In Your Gut
by purpleturnips
Summary: Tegan and Sara are kidnapped and forced to admit their taboo love for one another. Quincest.
1. Don't Rush

It's been three years since Emy and I broke up.

Three years since I've been with anyone.

Three years since this all began.

I refused to accept it. I refused to show it.

I pushed everyone away.

I secluded myself, I became hushed on stage. I didn't want to talk about about this new found attraction towards my twin. I didn't want to talk at all.

It's taboo, shunned my society and thought to be tainted, it was unwanted. I didn't want it, either. I would have much rather been without the thoughts of being with my sister. I didnt want to acknowledge my love for Tegan.

It was forced out of me.

After every tour, Tegan and I go "out." We go to clubs and bars where we know fans won't interrupt our celebratory drinks.

This year is the end of the Sainthood tour. We're older now, in our thirties. We dont party as hard as we used to. I dont, at least.

"Tegan, hurry the fuck up!" I tie the laces on my two-sizes-too-large shoes and grab my Blackberry from the dresser provided by the hotel.

I examine my reflection in the mirror of the bathroom, feeling dissapointed, and walk out of the bedroom into the lounge area. Tegan had on a baggy tee shirt and skinny jeans, sunglasses shading her eyes under grown-out bangs. She looked stunning.

"You ready?" I check the time on my phone. "We've got to leave soon."

Tegan powered off her Blackberry and placed it in my hand. "If I'm getting fucked up tonight, there's no way I'm letting myself near my it." I huff, amused at her determination not to embarass herself again. Tegan's always had a problem with drunk texting people, especially ex-girlfriends. She even changed the name of a girl she'd been eyeing before Lindsey to "Bad Idea" in her contacts.

I slid her phone into my back pocket. "Okay, lets go."

"Wait, fuck, I forgot something.." Tegan ran into the bedroom and came back empty handed.

"The fuck, Tegan? God, I swear you waste time just to piss me off."

"What?" She opened the hotel's front door and waited for me to exit. I rolled my eyes at her as I passed by, hearing the faint noise of the lock on the door clicking behind me.

I had no I idea that she was packing.


	2. Relief Next To Me

Relief Next To Me"

_SARA  
_  
After so many years of being on the road, you'd think Tegan and I would have managed to get a drivers license.  
The club was only a few blocks away, so instead of taking a bus or calling a cab, we walked. Tegan was ahead of me, knowing the way better than I did. She seemed uncomfortable, taking wider steps than she usually did when she walked.  
"Do you have a wedgie or something?" I smirk. She turns her head to look at me and gives an awkward laugh. "Oh, yeah. Massive wedgie. Huge."  
"Gross, pull it out." I playfully nudge her shoulder as she laughs. "That's what she said."  
Our laughter echoes through the streets as we arrive at the club.  
The place wasn't too packed as we made our way through the tipsy crowd to the bar. We sit furthest from other people. Tegan orders us drinks and downs her first quickly.  
"So, Sar, see anyone worth seeing?" Tegan turns to me, waving to the bartender for another drink. "I havnt bothered looking." I say, taking a sip of my drink.  
"No?" The bartender fills her glass.  
"Stop, Tegan." Ever since Emy and I seperated, Tegan's been trying to hook me up. Tegan crosses her leg over the other swiftly, covering her lap with her empty hand.  
Tegan shrugs. "You can't be single forever, Sara."  
After a couple of hours, I began to feel myself loosening up a bit. Tegan had finished her fourth drink when she got up from her seat and pulled on my hand, tugging me towards the dancefloor. "C'mon, I love this song." I held on to Tegans wrist as she led me through the growing crowd of blurry faces. I didnt dare let go, afraid of drowning in the sea of people that seemed to be towering over me like crashing waves. Tegan stopped and spun around to face me. She shouted something I couldnt hear and turned around again, walking off and leaving me to drown. I pushed through the crowd after her, searching for the safety of the shore. I'd made it past the last wave when I saw Tegan heading for the restrooms, her hands fumbling with her belt.

_TEGAN_

"Fucking fuck...shit," I pushed open the stall door and slid the lock shut, unclasping my belt and unzipping my jeans, holding my shirt up with my teeth. Beneath my waistband, I adjust the base of the strap-on. The attatchment had been grinding into me ever since I left the hotel. It was driving me mad and I was getting paranoid, thinking people could tell what I'd been packing. I tucked it in, making sure it was well hidden and pulled up my pants when I heard Sara calling my name as she entered the bathroom.  
In a panic, I flushed the toilet and left the stall, greeting my twin with a gummy smile.  
"Sorry, had to shit." Washing my hands nervously, I watched Sara's reflection as she stuck her hands in her pockets and leaned against the counter, her eyes furrowed.

_SARA_

Tegan dries her hands and fixes her hair in the mirror. "You forgot to buckle your belt." I observe, walking over to her and trying to fix it, only to have my wrists caught by Tegans hands. "No, no. No. It's okay, th-thanks." She says in a rush, her face turning scarlet. Tegan released me and quickly fastened her belt. 


	3. Burn Your Life Down

Chapter 3: "Burn Your Life Down"

"Tegan, what the hell is up with you?"

"Nothing" Tegan opens the bathroom door. "Let's just go, okay?" I push my hand against it to prevent her from leaving. "Tegan, you can talk to me. And stop," she tries to open the door again, forcing me to add my other hand to hold her off. "trying to fucking leave." I keep a hand on the door in case she tries to escape again. Tegan crosses her arms, clearly annoyed. "Can we just go? There's nothing wrong, I just had to use the bathroom." Not in the mood to argue with her, I sigh and pull open the door, letting Tegan out ahead of me. We decide to go to the club a few blocks away.

On our way there, walking in silence, I feel familiar fingers lace around my arms and pull them up behind my back, causing me to buckle over.

I'm greeted with darkness as an empty bookbag is thrown over my face, faintly suffocating me. I can hear Tegan's muffled screaming as a needle meets my skin and pierces through, a rush of drousiness flooding my mind. I try to wriggle free, only to be met by a relentless punch to my gut. Tegan cries out in pain and I choke, gasping for air.

Someone lets go of my arms and pushes me into what I assume is the backseat of a car, my face falling flat on the floor. I try to push myself up, my feeble efforts wasted when Tegans body is suddenly on top of mine, pushing me further into the depths of the floor.

I can feel her trembling against my back, her sobs shaking me, causing me to lose my breath.

Everything is a blur as I lose consciousness.

-

I felt the slap before I heard it. My eyes are shut tight as I wince at the excruciating pain in my cheek.

"You stupid fucking bitch! Let us go!" Tegan tries to wrestle out of the locks that hold her back from ripping out the throats of our masked kidnappers. I hear another slap echo off the bare walls surrounding us. I shut my eyes tighter, feeling Tegans pain in my other cheek.

A soft thumb wipes away my tears gently and I can't help but lean into the welcoming touch. Before I can find comfort in the warmth of her palm, she digs her nails into my neck and under my chin, pressing her once inviting thumb into the side of my face. I cry out, begging to be released from the death grip tearing at my skin. "I'm gonna fucking kill you! Stop! Oh my god, Sara, no! Stop you fucking cunt!" Tegan explodes with anger.

The hand finally sets me free. I wince at the scratches left along my neck and open my eyes, meeting Tegan's as I did. Sitting across from me, her glossy orbs bloodshot and streaming with tears, Tegan fights against the handcuffs chaining her to the chair against her will. 


	4. The Con

In Your Gut

Rated: M for later chapters

Chapter 4 "The Con"

Standing behind Tegan are three figures dressed in black from head to toe. Each has a ski mask over their faces with mouth and eye holes. One speaks and I'm suprised at how high it's voice is; a woman? "Look, I know you're pissed, but slow the fuck down." The woman standing between the two says to the one on the right, who catches me staring and turns away quickly. "The sedation's worn off, we can start now."

Tegan continues to try and break free when two of the masked women move to stand beside us, leaving a gap so I can still see Tegan in front of me. They stand there and wait for the other, crossing their arms, watching Tegan and I closely. I make it my goal not to look any of them in the eye.

"It's not that I really want to hurt you," the remaining woman speaks from behind Tegan. "I just need to figure some things out." She puts her hands on Tegans shoulders, pulling them back against the chair to keep her from moving. Tegan tries to shove them off, halting her movements when a blade meets the tender skin of her neck. She shuts her eyes, her breath becoming hitched. "Tegan!" I plead for her release, shot down by a glare from cold, blue eyes above Tegan. "I won't hurt her if you stop screaming."

I've seen those eyes before.

"Let her go." Teeth clenched, I break our eye contact and look at Tegan. Her eyes are still shut tight, her hands balled into fists. Tegans captor doesn't move.

"I need to know something, Sara. I'm not letting you," She presses the blade harder. "or Tegan go until you tell me." It takes everything in me not to look into her eyes. "Even if I have to force it out of you." Tegan whimpers and I feel myself yearning to relieve her pain.

"What the fuck do you want?" I ask, not really wanting to know.

Before I can stop myself, I look up to see Tegans captor reach her empty hand up and pull off her mask, the blade still threatening to cut into Tegans throat.

Emy drops the mask on the floor and replaces her hand on Tegans shoulder. Confusion and realization flood my mind as our eyes meet once more. I've never seen her so...hurt.

"Emy?"

Tegan tries to talk, but is stopped when the hand around her neck chokes her, the blade of the knife pressing against her throat.

"Sara, we were together for five years. Five years." Memories ran through my head of our engagement, of our aparment in Montreal, of sleepless nights spent together. I wanted to forget everything that reminded me of her. "I loved you." Her eyes cut into mine, shattering me. I couldnt speak. "You never told me why you left me, Sara."

It had been three years, why was she confronting me now, and like this? She didnt have to kidnap me, let alone Tegan. Why WAS Tegan here? She had nothing to do with our relationship. Emy removed the blade from Tegans throat and switched it shut, letting go of her shoulder and sticking the knife into the pocket of her pants.


	5. So Jealous

"It took me a while, I'll admit. You hide it well." Emy motions for the two people standing between us to sit down at the table behind Tegan.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I glare at Emy, ignoring Tegans efforts to catch my eye. "That's bull shit." Emy says, scoffing. "Just admit it, Sara. You know what I'm talking about. You want her and here she is." She gestures to Tegan who looks up at her, looking utterly confused. "I gave you everything I had when we were together, it wasnt enough, right?" I felt exposed, Emy had gone where I wish she'd not have and she wasn't going to turn back. My mind fought to comprehend what was happening, it seemed unreal. I've never seen this side of Emy before. I slowly nodded my head in response, dropping my eyes to the floor.

TEGAN

No matter how hard I try, Sara will not look at me. I need reassurance that everything will be fine, but despite my obvious need to meet her eyes with mine, Sara avoids making any form of eye contact with me. Emy's words cut into me for some reason, I feel the need to say something, to silence her taunting of Sara. But I can't. Emy brought us both here, not just Sara. Why?

Why have I been brought into this mess? It's Emy and Sara's relationship that they're discussing, I shouldnt be here, I dont care.

Okay, so thats not really true. I care about Sara and Emy, I do. Emy has been our graphic designer almost since the beginning. And Sara... well, I love her.

We're sisters so I have to care, but even if we weren't, I'd still want to be there for her.

I never thought Emy'd do something like this. She's practically kidnapped Sara and I. She's threatened me with a knife. And all because Sara broke up with her? A part of me wants to just scream at her to wake the fuck up and realize what she's done. Another wants her to go on with whatever it is that she's planning, to find out what's brought her to kidnap her ex-wife and her twin sister.

The sudden need to know why Sara left Emy overwhelms me.

SARA

"Right?" Emy repeats her question, this time through gritted teeth.

"You think I'll just say it?" I scream. "That I'll go right ahead with this sick fucking game you're playing and potentially ruin Tegan and I's relationship, our career?" I scoff, gaining some kind of courage from Emy's words. "You won't get away with this shit, Emy. Once you come to your goddamn senses and let us go, there's no way you're getting away with it, no fucking way." Tegan flinches at my raised voice and looks over to me with wide eyes. After what seems like an eternity of silence, Tegan speaks. "Sara, just give her what she wants, she'll let us go..." Her eyes study Emy's reaction, searching for approval of her compromise. Emy looks over to Tegan, a grin spreading across her face. "Oh, Sara, you honestly believe that I've got no brain, dont you? Ofcourse I think you'll say it, you WILL say it. And you want to know why?" She walks the few steps between us and places her right hand on the back of my chair. Leaning in, I feel her cool breath ghost over my ear, sending a shiver down my spine. Straining my neck, I try to keep as much distance between us when I feel her other hand force my face to press against hers. "Because if you don't, I won't hesitate," She nibbles my ear, an act she knows has never failed to send unwelcome feeling to my center. "to take her away from you, from everyone." With this, Emy pulls away and walks over to Tegan.

"I'm actually helping you, Sara. You've kept it a secret for what, twelve years?"

I feel hot tears filling up my eyes as Emy stops in front of Tegan, blocking my view of her. She leans down to her and makes work of the ropes bonding Tegan to her chair.

"I don't understand," One of Tegans hands are released and the two of Emy's helpers move from their spot by the table, bringing what appears to be more rope and a small dagger. One stands behind Tegan and grabs her free hand, holding it down. "why you never bothered to ask Tegan if the feeling was mutual." She cuts the ropes from Tegans remaining hand, which is immediately captured by her side, keeping her from fighting back. "What the fuck are you talking about?" Tegan glares up at Emy, confusion and hatred blurring her vision. "Sara, what is she talking about?" Tegan stretches her neck to see around Emy, only to be pulled down into her seat by the figure in black holding her arms. I shake my head, refusing to acknowledge that this is happening. "No." Emy turns around to face me, brows furrowed. "No!" I scream, the denial burning my throat. Emy's turned around again, ignoring my pleads.

"Tegan," She says, leaning down so that their eyes are aligned. "Your sister loves you."

"Yeah, I love her, too. Now get the fuck away from me." Tegan tries to remain calm, clenching her teeth.

"Say it, Sara. Tell her." Emy doesnt break eye contact with Tegan.

I shake my head frantically, tears running down my cheeks. "No!"

Tegan flinches, I can see her fingertips clawing at the side of her chair.

TEGAN

"Say it."

It's barely a whisper, but I know Sara heard it. Emy falters, taken aback by my sudden participation in her efforts to break Sara. She gives me a questioning look, a smile playing at the corners of her lips. Before I can blink, Emy's left my presense and stepped next to her helpers side, a hand outstretched. A dagger is placed in her palm, her grin wiped away to be replaced by a determined demeanor. She traces the edge of the blade with her thumb. "Fucking say it, Sara." I plead. Looking over at her I see the pained look on her face, the tears falling down her cheeks. "Sara..."

Emy runs a hand through my hair and presses the side of the dagger just under my jawline. The blade is cool, giving me goose bumbs. I swallow hard, the lump in my throat making it hard to form words. "Please, Sar-"

Suddenly, Emy's lips are on mine. I gasp, pulling back, trying to break the kiss. It's rough, relentless as she takes my bottom lip between her teeth. My eyes are wide and I taste a hint of blood as Emy presses the blade of the dagger tighter against my neck. Out of the corner of my eye I see Sara staring, her tears have stopped flowing and her nails are clawing at the arm of her chair, her knuckles white as snow. Her expression is pained. I shake my head, tearing apart our lips. Emy hovers close to my face, glaring. She licks her lips, wiping away the taste of blood and removes the dagger from my throat.


	6. Like O, Like H

Emy shifts her eyes from me to Sara, a hint of a grin playing at her lips. I spit the taste of her and the warm blood from my mouth towards her feet. Emy doesnt move to wipe away my disgust, instead, the stupid smile that had formed on her face was swept away and replaced with a grimace. I meet her glare with heavy eyes. Leaving the stain I'd given her to rest on her shoes, Emy turns on her heels to see Sara sitting still across from me, staring at me with sullen eyes.

"Really, what good do you think will come of this? Even if I play your stupid game, it wont change what's happened between us...and what never will." Sara never breaks eye contact with me as she addresses Emy. "I just want you to be happy, Sara." Emy toys with the dagger still in her hands, trying to catch Sara's eye.

"If I wanted her to know, I would have told her. If I'd wanted you back, I would have called you. Some things just aren't meant to be and shouldn't be."

"Why not?" Sara takes what feels like hours to answer.

"Because, we were wrong for eachother and it's wrong."

"So was being gay just a few years ago." states Emy.

"That...that's different."

Sara looks at me now with an expression I wish I could read. She bites her lip, eyes still glued to mine. I dig deeper into them, searching for something, anything.  
I find despair and...longing. I blink. Sara closes her eyes, shutting them tight and turning her face away from me.

"I want to make you happy, Sara. This is the only way I know to do that without being with you. Just let me help you be happy. Let her make you happy." Emy steps closer to me, hands still twirling the dagger. I don't move my eyes from Sara. Tunnel vision.  
"Why couldnt you just talk to me like a normal person? This is ridiculous." Sara shakes her head slowly, ignoring Emy's eyes.  
"I tried to. You wouldnt answer your phone, your email, your texts." Emy's shuffling closer to me. "This is the only way I knew to get your attention." Her left hand grips my shoulder, causing me to wince. "Next time you'll reply, though," Her nails dig into my collarbone. "won't you?"

I scream louder than I ever thought possible from such a small set of lungs like my own. Emy's nails cut through the thin skin of my neck just as my arms are pulled up behind my seat. My wrists are forced to meet my shoulder blades by the Shadow behind my chair. My arms feel like they're being ripped out of their sockets. Emy's fingernails sear through my broken skin. I shut my eyes, begging for the unbearable pain to stop. "FUUUUCK!"

Underneath my cries for relief, I hear Sara's tiny voice erupt. "Tegan? Leave her alone, let her go! It was me that hurt you, not her!" I can hear her crying when my arms are pulled down to my sides once again and Emy's grip on my neck is gone. "Admit it, Sara. Tell her or I take her." Emy's voice is surprisingly calm with her threat.

What is it that Sara can't say? Who is "her"?

I flip through the black book of my mind, searching for anyone that Sara could possibly be attracted to. Kate? Kate Cooper? I don't even think she's gay... What about Kaki? No, she's too much like mum, and that's just wierd.

But wait, why isn't whoever "her" is, here? Why am _I_ here?  
Wait...

The pain in my shoulder makes it hard to wrap my mind around what's happening.

"You won't! How the fuck do you think you can get away with this? You've already done enough to land you in prison! You won't get away with this shit, Emy." Sara's shouting now, determined, it seems, to avoid giving Emy what she wants and admitting that she wants "her."

"Oh, don't worry. I don't plan on leaving here alive." Sara tries to object, but is cut off by Emy. "I suppose you'll have to find another graphic artist, my dear."

Am I...am I "her"?  
No. No, no.

Emy motions for the other Shadow holding the rope to untie the bonds on my ankles. I'm lifted onto my feet and shoved forward to stand in front of Sara.

She left Emy because of _me_.

The Shadow keeps their grip on my fragile wrists tight, my arms still throbbing from them almost being torn apart.

Why?  
Because of our career. Yeah, that's why. We toured too much and too long. They never got to see eachother or be with eachother, so Sara broke it off. Yeah...  
I look down at Sara, but she won't look up at me.  
That makes total shitless sense.

_Yeah, right._

The Shadow standing next to Emy dissapears behind me and I feel my hands being tied together. The rope is thinner than the ones used to keep me in my chair. Double knots are tightened and the Shadows step away from me, their jobs done.  
I feel Emy's hands snake between my elbows and rest on my hips. "Get the fuck off of me." I say through gritted teeth. Our friendship was far from what it used to be now and just being a few feet from her was making me sick. I feel out of control, even though my legs are free, I can't think up a way to escape with my hands tied behind my back and Emy so close to me. Sara looks up at Emy over my shoulder. "If you can't say it, then show it." Emy demands. Sara furrows her brow as I feel Emy's hands inch their way to my stomach. I'm suddenly aware of the friend I brought with me when Sara and I left our hotel.

_Shit shit shit._

Her hands reach the button of my pants and my heart thumps loudly against my chest. The sound clogs my ears and it's hard to focus on avoiding Sara's eyes as Emy's fingers glide over my zipper. "Get off!" I try to shrug her off but I stop my movements when I hear a small 'click' beside me. Sara jerks her head toward the noise with wide eyes. Following her direction, I'm met with the sight of the Shadows, each aiming a silenced pistol at Sara and I.

"You've got it all planned out, don't you?" Sara scoffs, glaring at the Shadow holding her life in their palm.  
"You're sick, you know that?"

Emy laughs "Not as sick as you."

She finally unhooks the button of my jeans and pulls down the zipper in one swift motion. Her left hand makes its way into the waistband of my boy shorts as her right works on pulling my pants down lower. I gasp, my face turning scarlet as I try to prepare myself for what I know is coming when Emy discovers the company I've brought along with me. She elicits a quiet "Oh." when her hand reaches the base of the strap on. "Wow, Tegan. I didnt have this planned, but I suppose we can improvise..."

I try not to look at Sara as Emy pulls my jeans to my ankles, my underwear quickly following suit. I open my mouth to protest but the Shadow waves their gun, silencing me. My ears are on fire. This is not happening. I want to scream for her to get away from me, but I fear the Shadow won't hesitate to pull the trigger and keep me quiet for good. Emy begins to stroke the the shaft of the strap-on and I cant help but let myself feel every movement. My eyes close and I gasp despite myself when she applies too much pressure, the attatchment bringing unwelcome pleasure to my core. "Shit" I can't help but feel defeated as Emy quickens her pace and I let myself give in to the feeling.

SARA

I've got to keep my eyes off of Tegan, but just hearing her groans as Emy works her is breaking my efforts to keep my underwear dry. I know she's testing me, taunting me to see if I'll give in. I can't let myself be turned on by the scene in front of me but it's so ridiculously difficult. I can feel Emy's eyes boring into my face as she continuously pumps Tegan, trying to get a reaction out of me. I don't chance a glance, though.

The Shadow presses the barrel of the gun to my shoulder. "Open your eyes." Emy says to both Tegan and I. The gun is pushed harder into my shoulder and I reluctantly open my eyes slowly. Tegan's head is being pulled back by Emy's left hand, her neck exposed and her teeth clenched. She looks like she's in pain, her eyes are open but focused on avoiding my own. Emy's staring at me with raw determination. She lets go of Tegan's hair and brings her hand around Tegan's arm, sliding it under the leather straps. Tegan gets louder, apparently unable to control her moans as Emy rubs and pumps her without breaking rythm. I feel myself getting wetter as Tegan's knees begin to shake and her body quivers and I curse myself for having such terrible self-control. Tegan finally rides out her orgasm against Emy's hand and leans back into her, exhausted. Emy removes her hands and motions for a Shadow to hold Tegan up. She steps around Tegan and stops in front of me. I don't look at her as she wipes her hands on my jeans, cleaning Tegan off of her fingertips. She unbuttons my pants and without warning, slides her middle finger across the length of my slit. No doubt she's felt how impossibly wet I am, my underwear far from fresh. Removing her hand, she wipes my arousal on her shirt, not bothering to fix my jeans.

"So sick."


	7. I Bet It Stung

"Do you see this, Tegan?" Emy turns to face Tegan, lifting her damp fingertips to her eyes. Tegan keeps them to the floor, ignoring Emy's presentation. Annoyed by Tegan's lack of attention, she wraps her dry hand around Tegan's head and tugs on her hair, pulling her face up and forcing her to observe the light sheen of cum left on her fingers from my failed attempt to control myself. I study Tegan's reaction to the sight in front of her. "Can you smell it, Tegan?" Emy moves her hand towards Tegans nose and pushes her head in closer. "Smell it."

TEGAN

I breath in through my nose.

_Oh my god._

So this is what I do to Sara? A part of me is disgusted with myself for inhaling a bit longer than my lungs are adept to. I let out a fast rush of air that had been stifled from indulging in the scent of my sisters sex, blowing a wisp of Emy's hair to the side. Emy notices and raises an eyebrow, intrigued by my breathlessness. She lets go of my hair and drops her hands.

It's normal for people to get turned on by something like this but Sara is soaked. I can see the wet spot between her thighs as she wiggles in her seat, trying to somehow pull her jeans up without making it worse. It's only a glance but I feel like I've been staring for much too long. That's what I do to Sara?

How long have I been doing that?

She's never done that to me. I never thought about it. About her. Like that. Never.

Why am I not repulsed by this?

Why do I want Emy to keep pushing it?

Why do I want Sara to do that to me?

SARA

It's too quiet. Emy hasnt said anything for a few minutes, she's just standing in front of Tegan with her arms to her side. The ropes and chains keeping me from hiding my shame are starting to leave bruises from my resistance. My wrists are weak and I feel I've failed to save Tegan the uncomfortable truth. The truth that, if she reacts the way I've played out in my dreams so many nights asleep, nothing will ever be as concrete as the bond of our sisterhood and our band. Will she even acknowledge it if she finds out? Will she claim an only child when asked what of her siblings? Will she go solo? I hit the bottom of myself and slowly, cautiously, I begin to break the silence.

"I..."

Emy, unsure if she'd heard me at all, looks over her shoulder to me. Tegan flinches, but doesnt look. She's lost in a daydream, it seems, staring past everything.

"I...uhm," I bite my lip, terrified of what's to come.

"How long?" Tegan interrupts my hesitation bluntly. She doesnt look over to me, just stares.

"Wh-what?" I'm afraid she'll dissapear if I raise my voice higher, so it comes out as a whisper.

"How long have you been in love with me?"

Stunned. I can't move. I now know how the deer felt when the headlights shot through the darkness and cut through its pupils. Tegan finally blinds my eyes with her own, beaming and paralyzing. The contact rips away my voice box along with the courage I'd found during the silence.

Emy backs away from Tegan and walks to the table behind her.

"Sara," My name pulls me back to reality. I shake my head.

"How long?" Tegan repeats.

"Three... three years."

"Three..." She looks away for a moment and I feel like it lasts forever before she meets her eyes with mine again.

"Yes." Another whisper.

Tegan looks down, suddenly remembering how exposed she was. I give myself a chance to look her over as she hangs her head in embarassment. The cock of the strap-on is dangling innocently between her legs, the leather adjustments fitting close to her jutting hipbones. The skin between her legs glistening from the aftermath of Emy's wrath. Tegan looks up abruptly, catching me staring at the friend she'd brought along with her. She looks so distraught, like some helpess animal that's been trapped in a cage, that shocks them to no end, and has given up on fighting against the pain. I'd give anything to give Tegan everything.

**BANG!**

My ears ring and I flinch, eyes going wide with shock. Tegan ducks down to the floor and onto her knees. The Shadow holding her up kneels down, too, but doesnt seem frightened by the gun shot. My body shakes and I refuse to blink. Tegan, not caring about her jeans and underwear being hooped around her ankles, tries to crawl towards me. The Shadow holds her arms and keeps her in place.

I look around frantically, searching for the source of the sound.

I find Emy on the ground, her body stiff and limbs splayed. A small 9mm pistol rests inches from her right hand.

"Oh my god..."

Tears well up in my eyes when I see the blood pooling out of her slightly parted lips. Her gut looking like it'd been hit with the bullets' impact worst. I felt myself growing ill. I heaved, hoping something would come out, that I could get rid of some of the bad feelings that had built up in mere hours. Nothing came out. I looked away to Tegan's trembling body, coiled up as best she could manage without opening the wound left by Emy on her shoulder.

I let myself cry as the Shadow rose from the floor and untied the ropes holding Tegan together.

I let myself cry as Tegan pulled her sore arms close to her body and hugged herself, trying to stay whole.

I let myself cry as the Shadow walked away, met with the other, and lifted Emy up onto the table.

I let myself cry as they packed her body into a bag and dragged her out of the room through a padlocked door hidden behind dim light.

I let myself cry as Tegan made her way to my legs, wrapping her arms around them and sobbing into my weak knees.

I let myself cry as a Shadow returned, let me loose, and left again, for good, without saying a word.

I let myself cry as I held Tegan in my arms and and rocked her gently, whispering "I love you" over and over again until we gained enough strength in our hearts to fasten our belts and find the bolted door, unlocked.


	8. Where Does The Good Go

Through the padlocked door, Tegan and I are met with a bright hallway. Too bright. I hide my eyes beneath my trembling hands and wait for them to adjust. When I can finally see clearly, I look around. I've been here before. This is Emy's art studio. Framed pictures adorn the white walls. Tegan grabs my wrist and leads me down the hall. She's been here, too, countless times, to go over merch designs and album covers with Emy. We spent days here working on our books. It feels like an eternity ago when in reality it was just barely a year. I glance back before we turn the corner. Emy never let us go into her "storage" room. She always said that the supplies she kept within it were too expensive for us to use, she was afraid we'd damage something she'd cherished.

We round the corner and tread through Emy's office. All of her things were gone. No computer, no desk, no more stacks of printing paper she'd used to sketch her design ideas on. It was just an empty space now. Tegan stops in front of where the desk should have been and sits, pulling me down along with her. She crosses her legs and hides her face in her hands. The only sound I can hear are her sobs. It's difficult to comfort someone when you're as broken as they are. I try to stay quiet as she cries, letting her fill the emptiness of the room with her tears.

She really did have it all planned out. The kidnapping, the captivity, the suicide. All of it. I wouldn't doubt her apartment looking much like her studio. It's like she erased herself completely.

I reach into my back pocket and pull out Tegan's Blackberry and power it on. 7:13 am. We've been here all night. I dial Emy's cell phone number and wait. "I'm sorry, the number you have dialed is not in service. Please hang up and tr-" I press the 'end' button furiously. I try her home phone. "I'm sor-" Fuck. How could she do this? To me, to Tegan, to Sarah, her current (or former) girlfriend? And her parents? I can't be the one to tell them. Not when I'm the one who caused it.

Tegan wipes her face with the collar of her shirt and dries her eyes. She looks at her phone in my hands and sighs. "Don't call mum, not yet." I nod and hand her the Blackberry. She looks at the time and grimaces.

"Tegan," She looks up and meets her eyes with mine. "lets go." I stand and reach out my hand to help her onto her feet. She obliges and I pull her arm, uttering a small "Sorry" when she winces at the wound on her shoulder. She starts to head for the door, but I don't release her hand and pull her back in. I wrap my arms around her waist and back, hugging her close. She buries her face in my neck and I can feel her breath hitch from another round of tears forming in her eyes. "It's going to be okay, Tee. We're going to be okay."

TEGAN

Sara calls us a cab and it takes almost two hours to make it back to our hotel. I've been wearing this strap-on for almost an entire day. I don't think I'll ever go near another one after this shit, regardless of how good it feels. I'm relieved when we make it to our room. I head for the bathroom, ready to take it off and empty my bladder. I take off the strap-on and drop it to the floor, glad to be rid of it when I get to the bathroom. I decide to shower until Sara knocks on the door quietly.

"Tegan, can I...uh, use the bathroom?" She sounds hesitant.

I flush the toilet and open the door. Sara gives me a weak smile as I walk into the hotel room to my suitcase. She closes the door as I go to look for a fresh outfit to wear.

SARA

After clearing my body of unwanted fluids, I wash my hands and look into the mirror. I look dishevelled, almost older. I wash my face and plan to shower after Tegan, who looks more in need of a cleaning than I do. Stepping toward the shower curtain, to check if the hotel left us any shampoo and soap, I accidentaly step on something beside the toilet. Lifting up my foot, I see Tegan's 'friend' resting on the tile floor. I feel my ears growing warm. I bend down slowly and observe the srap-on. It's still got some of Tegan's excitement on it.

I stand and go back to the mirror. My ears are bright red and my face looks flushed. I wash my face a second time.

A light knock on the bathroom door wakes me up from my trance as I'm staring at my reflection.

"Can I get in there now? I need to shower."

I nod even though she can't see it. "Yeah."

TEGAN

Sara unlocks the door and opens it, quickly shuffling past me. I put my clothes on the counter and reach for a towel. Looking down, I see I left the strap-on in the bathroom while Sara was using it. _Shit_. As if things couldn't get any more awkward. Embarassed, I pick it up and run it under warm water until it's clean.

I step out of my clothes and turn on the shower. I keep it cold, the wound on my shoulder not yet healed enough to be met with anything hot. I leave the strap-on in the sink and step into the bathtub.

I rinse my hair.

_Okay, so Sara loves me... what am I supposed to do? Should I do anything? It's just so weird. _

Apply some shampoo to my hair and lather. Thoroughly.

_I don't know what to think anymore. Everything's so fucked up and we only just ended our tour for Sainthood. She spent three years keeping it a secret. How could I have been so oblivious to it? Looking back now, there were things she'd said and looks she'd given, even on-stage, that should've told me "Hey, your sister's checking you out. Look! Listen!"_

Rinse hair, try not to get any shampoo in my eyes. Again.

_What's worse is that I'm not creeped out by it. I don't want to scream at her to get away or never talk to her again. I just want to know why. I'm not that great, she knows that. Some of our fans think we're like gods. We're far from it. Sara's been in my life from, literally, the very beginning. She's seen me at my worst. I remember when it felt like she'd hated me. We fought all the time, we didn't get along. We went to therapy to sort everything out. Sara still goes to a therapist in Montreal, but I stopped years ago when we seemed to have resolved everything._

Grab soap. Wash arms and face first. Avoid neck and shoulder.

_Why does Sara love me? _

_Do I love her?_

Wash legs and feet. Use the side of the shower wall to hold myself up.

_She's not bad looking. I mean, she's always had a more defined jawline. I do love jawlines... She has nice collarbones, I'll admit. And hair. She's always had nice hair. I love her bowl cut, I don't see why some people don't agree. It fits her. She's got a nice neck. Does that sound weird? Ofcourse, I'm talking about my sister. It's 'gross' and 'sick'. Why do people do that? Why do they think being in love with your sister, brother, whoever, is wrong? It's love isn't it? I find it funny that people used to think, and some still do, that being in love with the same sex isn't really love. Why is being in love with your relative any different?_

Wash stomach and back. Crotch and ass.

_If Sara loves me, I guess that's okay. I accept her for who she is. She's my sister and I love her. But am I _in _love with her?_

I rinse my body and turn off the water. I step out of the shower and grab my towel, drying myself off and getting dressed. I brush my teeth almost robotically and put on some deodorant after I wrap the strap-on in my dirty clothes and open the bathroom door.

SARA

Tegan steps out of the bathroom with her clothes in her hands. Her hair is damp and she looks degree's better, although still pale from exhaustion. She drops her things next to her seperate bed and rummages through her suitcase. I mark my place in the book I'm reading and place it on my pillow as I get up. Collecting my clean clothes, I look over at Tegan. I wish I could explain this all to her, clear things up. I just hope she doesn't push me away. I love her so much. I just want her to love me, too, no matter how fucked up it seems.


	9. Sheets

_Sara slithers down my body and pauses at my hips, planting gentle kisses past my naval until she reaches the place I need her most. Her mouth hovers above my mound, teasing me with careful nibbles to my inner thighs. Her warm, hitched breaths tickle me and I squirm under her body. I let out a soft sigh and run my hands through her greasey hair, curled from sweat and apprehension. "Oh, Saraaa."_

_I feel her lips curl up into a grin against my burning skin. _

_"Mmm, Tegan. You smell so good..." Her mouth wanders back to my throbbing clit, not yet making contact, but still causing me to moan. Sara's hands slide up my stomach to my breasts, carressing me with meaning. She takes each nipple between her thumbs and index fingers, making quick, punctual circles. _

_"Ohhh," I breathe, arching my back and exposing my neck. Sara climbs up the miles of my skin and attacks my throat hungrily. Her teeth graze under my jawline and she slides her silky tounge across the length of my neck. She gives a lingering kiss to my clavical and goes for the spot below my ear, her left hand dropping to my throbbing clit and her right continuing to palm an alert nipple. She makes slow, deliberate figure eights with her fingers to my clit. I moan and arch into her hips, revelling in the feeling of the ecstacy she's bringing me below my waistline. She sucks at my pulse point, no doubt leaving a mark. She slips a finger inside my impatient core, ready for this moment for far too long. Sara keeps a steady pace and adds a second finger, forming a familiar feeling deep in my stomach. _

_"SARA!"_

I jolt up in bed, suddenly awake and panting loudly. I pull the stifling covers closer to my body, ignoring the sweaty stickiness built up beneath the cotton fabric and how unsanitary I feel because of them. Focused mainly on hiding myself, I keep the covers over my body as I check to see if Sara is still asleep in her bed, and, after assuring myself that my twin sister was indeed in an unconscious dreamland, I slowly pushed the sheets off of me and stepped out of my own bed. Determined not to wake Sara, I tip-toe to my pile of clothes near the nightstand in the darkness. Standing above a new pair of boxer briefs and a white v-neck, I try my best to normalize my racing heart. When I can finally breathe through my nose, I grab my new night clothes and make my way carefully to the bathroom.

SARA

I yawn and stretch my stiff legs out across the bed. Rubbing the grogginess out of my eyes, I roll over to check the time. The green, illuminated numbers read out 4:02. Judging from the absense of the sun, it's AM. Too early.

"Fuck." I grumble into my welcoming pillow, burying my face into its plush depths, so soft and inviting. _Why did I have to wake up?_

I hear the bathroom door open quietly and squint my eyes at the light coming from behind Tegan, her figure outlined by the brightness until she switches it off. She stands there for a moment and I close my eyes, paranoid that she could tell I was watching her. I hear the ruffling of her sheets after a few seconds and open one of my eyes. Tegan stands at the foot of her bed and pulls the comforter and sheets completely off. She drops them in the corner of the hotel room and goes back to standing close to the bed. Tegan rubs her face with her hands, messing up her hair and leaving it tangled when she leans over the bed and grabs her pillows. She drops one onto the carpeted floor and hugs the other close to her chest. She sighs as she begins to kneel and make herself comfortable on her new makeshift bed.

"Tegan?" Her head jerks my way, eyes glimmering from the tiny green light of the alarm clock beside me. "What are you doing?" I sit up a little to let her know she wasn't hallucinating. Tegan looks down at her pillow and back at me. "Uh, I was, um, going to sleep."

"On the floor?"

She nods first and says "Yeah." when I don't reply after a while.

"Why?" My brow furrows as I try to guess the reasoning behind her ridiculousness.

"I just want to, okay?" She fluffs her pillow and scoots back on her knees until she's satisfied with the given space.

"You're not going to sleep on the floor." I say it like it's a demand.

Tegan lays down on her side, facing away from me, still clutching the pillow as if she'd die right there if she ever let it go.

"Tegan,"

I don't understand why she has to be on the floor, she's got a bed _right there_.

She doesn't answer me for a full minute and I sigh, confused.

"Tegan."

Another minute.

"_Tegan._" Still no reply.

I'm beginning to think she's fallen asleep.

_How?_

How can she fall right asleep when I'm calling her name, clearly concerned and eager to know why she's left her comfy bed for the hard ground.

I get more and more frustrated as the wait for her answer grows longer.

_How dare she fall asleep on me! _

Five minutes.

_She can't be asleep! She's just ignoring me. Why is she ignoring me? Oh, god, she hates me. I just know it. I just want to know why she's down there._

Six minutes.

_Maybe she's sick of me. Maybe she doesn't even want to look at me. Maybe she's disgusted by what happened at Emy's studio. She hates me. Please don't hate me. I love you. Just look at me, I need you to look at me. Let me know I don't make you want to run away from me when I look at you. _

Ten minutes.

_Please please please please please please please please please please please please please._

TEGAN

Eyes wide open, I stare at the wall in front of me. Everything feels so different when you're looking at the world around you from below. I feel smaller, like less of a hassle.

It's been ten minutes since Sara tried to pull me from the floor.

She's given up.

I hear a choked sob spill out of her lips and fill the rooms' darkness.

I wait for her to stop crying.

She doesn't.

Fifteen minutes and Sara's still muffling her sobs in her pillow, probably damp from tears by now. I feel a hot tear glide down the side of my face when Sara gets louder.

_What am I doing?_

_Your sister is crying because of you. Just go comfort her. You know you want to..._

I'm afraid.

_The dream... It makes me uneasy. I had lasted so long in blocking it out of my mind, trying to forget how wet my sheets were when I woke. So much to wipe away when I went to the bathroom and cleaned myself off. So much disgust and desire._

Sara didn't hold back now. She was practically bawling her eyes out at this point. More tears filled my own eyes.

_It'd felt to real, so tangible. I could feel Sara's hands on my skin. I could hear her breathing in my ear. I could smell the sweat on her, taste her. She felt so close, so actual. I want to feel her._

I throw the pillow away from my body, not caring about the direction it headed in. I hit the floor with the side of my fist. Pushing up off of the ground with my hands, I rise to my feet and swing my left arm into the wall. My fist hits the smooth surface with a loud pound and breaks Sara's sorrow. She stops crying and I lift my right foot, bring it to my back thigh and let it crash into the wall. My head throbbed, my foot ached and my hands shaked in agony, but I didn't care.

It was my turn to cry.

I fall to my knees and drop my face into my hands, not bothering to wipe any tears away that had begun to soak my palms with confusion and hatred toward myself.

_I was the reason for all of this._

_It's my fault._

I didn't hear Sara get out of her bed and kneel in front of me.

"Tee, Tegan. Tegan. Look at me." Her voice waveres and dies behind my frustrated cries.

"Tee!" Sara is on the verge of tears again. She sounds tougher, though.

I take her seriously and wipe my eyes. "What?" I'm so tired of her needing me and not knowing myself if I even want her to. "Fuck, Sara! You make me fucking crazy!" Another sob cracks my voice when I meet my glossy orbs with hers. Bloodshot and puffed. Look what I've done. She reaches her arm out and tentatively attempts to place her hand on my shoulder. I shove it away. Too close.

_So close. _

_She's so close..._

"I'm so sorry." Sara says in the smallest voice, almost inaudible.

I try my best to calm down and look her in the eyes without doubt. She stares back and waits.

_She's waited so long._

SARA

I watch Tegan as she stands up and holds out her hand for my own. I lift a trembling hand up and into hers and meet her eye level once again. She steps around me and guides us to my bed without looking back. At the edge of the mattress, Tegan motions for me to get in first and I settle down on top of the blanket. She turns around and for a terrifying second, I fear she's not going to come back. Instead, she picks her pillow up from the floor and adds it to mine.

"Turn around."

I roll over and face opposite her, curling my body into a loose ball.

I feel her hand press down into the mattress to keep her balance as she climbs into bed and adjusts her pillow. She scoots closer to me, curling her body to fit into my own. She hesitates and I feel her hands wind close to her face, her elbows pressing into my back.

"Tegan, please."

It takes her a full minute to lift her arm again and slowly, cautiously, wrap it over my stomach.

When an hour passes and I can finally tell that Tegan has fallen asleep, I slide my hand over to hers resting against my stomach and fill the spaces between my fingertips with her own and drift into unconsciousness at the break of dawn.


	10. Take Me Anywhere

I wake up around noon to find that Sara has turned around to face me in her sleep. Her button nose is inches away from my own identical one and I can smell the ghost of the strawberry scented shampoo left in her hair. My left hand is entangled with her right, resting in the little space left between our bodies. I smile from ear to ear when she twitches her nose and squeezes my hand tighter. When she tries to stretch out her legs, I realize they're wrapped around mine. How did that happen?

"Mmmm." Sara buries her face deeper into her pillow and breathes in a slow, deep breath. When she exhales, her breath hits my face and I'm wide awake, aware of everything.

I wait another half an hour, simply watching her dream, before I try to escape.

When Sara's in a deeper sleep, I slowly untangle our hands and unwind our legs. When I'm free, I wait another five minutes to make my next move.

Before I attempt to quietly get out of bed, I lift my hand, previously held by Sara's, and bring it to the side of her delicate, sleeping face. She looks so beautiful when she's dreaming.

My fingertips hover over her, unsure. I let my middle finger slowly descend and barely touch Sara's cheek. With the smallest amount of pressure, I trace the side of her face and jawline with my fingertips. I give a small smile when she twitches again, so cute, even when she's unconscious. I gently tuck the little hair she has left behind her ear and slide my legs off of the side of the bed, careful not to wake her. Without moving the matress or making any noise, I step out of her bed and stand. Before I can stop myself, I lean down and kiss her forehead. I breathe in the scent of her hair and hold my breath when I pull away. I don't start breathing again until I'm in the bathroom, alone with my thoughts.

SARA

When I wake up, Tegan's gone.

My heart almost breaks until I hear the faint sound of running water coming from the bathroom. It seems like she's always in there. We need to get out of this hotel.

I yawn and extend my limbs, stretching and sprawling myself out across the mattress, not yet ready to get up. I check the time, 1:31 PM.

When it's 1:40, I finally roll out of bed and go to my suitcase next to the nightstand. As I'm rummaging through the books and clothes buried in my bag, I catch a glimpse of Tegans' bed. There's a stain in the center and the comforter, along with the sheets, are piled in the corner of the hotel room.

_She wet the bed?_

_It doesn't smell like urine in here..._

TEGAN

I turn off the water and step out of the shower, grabbing my towel and drying my hair. Wrapping it around my waist, I brush my teeth.

"Tegan!"

I spit out the toothpaste in my mouth and into the sink. "What?"

"We're leaving in an hour."

_What? Why?_

"Uh, okay. Where are we going?" I rinse off my toothbrush and start getting dressed.

I hear her zip her suitcase as she answers. "I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"Well, my apartment is a few hours away. We'd have to take a cab..."

"Sure." I button my jeans and pull on a shirt.

I open the bathroom door and see Sara sitting on the edge of her bed, Blackberry held to her ear, lips moving.

"Yeah, uh, to Montreal. Just two. Three hundred dollars? Yeah, okay. How long? Okay, thanks." Sara hangs up as I pull on my jacket and finish packing my suitcase.

"So, are we going to tell the hotel about the wall and the matress, or are we just going to leave?"

"What?" _Oh, great. Guess who forgot to put the blanket back on the bed? _

"The wall. You kicked a hole in it last night."

I look at the wall and sigh. "Oh."

"Yeah, and room service can clean up the rest. It's not too much damage, though. I don't think they'll sue us or anything..."

I examine the stain I'd left on my bed. My face flushes, embarrassed.

"I'm ready. We should go now, maybe get something to eat. I'm starving."

Sara nods and lugs her suitcase to the hotel door, opening it and stepping out into the hallway. I put my phone in my jacket pocket and follow her out the door and close it behind me.

We decide to go to a Denny's down the street. I don't think I've eaten in days. It shows when my stomach growls angrily as we enter the restaraunt, the smell of coffee filling my nose. Sara immediately heads for a booth in the corner and we tuck our suitcases under the table. I look through the menu, wanting to order everything. Sara calls the waitress over and orders a black coffee and an omelet.

"Is that all for you?" The waitress asks with a sweet smile.

"Uh, I'll have a chocolate chip waffle, scrambled eggs, a pumpkin muffin and some water."

Sara gives me an amused look.

"Okay, it'll be about ten minutes." The waitress scribbles our orders on a notepad and walks away from our table.

"Jesus, Tegan."

I give Sara a gummy smile. "What? I told you I'm starving."

After we finish eating and Sara orders a third coffee, our cab arrives. Sara pays the bill and we carry our bags to the trunk of the taxi. We get into the back seat and the driver asks Sara if the directions he's printed are correct.

"How long did you say it'd take to get there?" I ask the driver.

"About three hours, at the least."

I nod and sit back in my seat.

Three hours sitting next to Sara, inches away from me. She'd brought a book with her, prepared for boredom. I only had my phone with me. I decide to text Lindsey.

_Lindsey. _

I'd almost forgotten about her with everying that's happened. I don't plan on filling her into it all. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

The driver starts the car and we head on our way.

I look over at Sara, book open and leg casually crossed over her knee. I pull out my phone and see that I've already recieved a message from Lindsey.

_Hey, baby. I miss you. _

I smile to myself and type away my reply.

_**I miss you, too. **_

_When will I see you again?_

Sara turns a page in her book.

_**I don't know. I'll be at Sara's for a while until I can get a flight home. **_

_But I'm in LA and I can't leave because of work._

_**I'll come to you, then. (:**_

Sara closes her book and sighs.

"What's wrong, can't focus on reading?" I ask.

"Yeah, I can't stop thinking about Emy."

I glance at the driver through the mirror and give him a pleading look. He returns a small nod and cranks up the radios' volume.

"I'm sorry."

I don't really want to talk about anything that's happened in the past couple of days. It only brings back vivid, unwanted memories.

"Honestly, Tegan, I didn't want any of this to happen. I didn't tell you because... because I was afraid, you know?" Sara looks down at her book, flipping it over in her hands.

_Why is she bringing this up now?_

"I know." My phone vibrates in my jacket pocket, but I ignore it and continue to look at Sara.

"I...I don't disgust, um, you...do I?" Sara begins to fiddle with her hands nervously.

I scoot closer to her, now sitting in the middle of the backseat, between the front and passenger seat of the cab where I can see the road ahead of the car clearly. Sara flinches when my knee touches hers. I take the book she's holding and replace it with my right hand, slowly letting it slide into hers until we're holding hands. Sara's ears turn a bright scarlet. She's nervous.

"No..."


	11. Hell

"...Not at all." Effortlessly, my eyes lock with Sara's and I find it hard to blink.

Sara squeezes my hand, tightly intertwined with her own. The driver of the cab announces that we'll be on the highway soon over the music. I nod, eyes still fixed on Sara's grinning face.

SARA

I never thought, after all that's happened, I'd be so close to Tegan. To be able to touch her. To be touched by her so innocently. I'd always fantasized that I would be the one making all the moves.

_Why is she the one making all of the moves?_

Perhaps Emy's plan had worked.

Maybe Tegan's found that the feelings I have for her are mutual. It sure appears that way. She's the one who shifted closer to me, reached for my hand to hold in hers.

I look down at Tegan's bold move and run my thumb across her knuckles.

TEGAN

I feel like, if I don't at least try this with Sara; try to understand and give it a chance, no matter how fucked up it seems to other people, that I'll be failing Emy. Her last act would be a waste, her death unjustified. I shake myself mentally. That doesn't make any sense._ You're saying that if you don't try to be in love with your sister, your ex-graphic designer's death will be for nothing?_ _Selfish. She didn't pull the trigger for you. _

Sara continues to stroke my knuckles with her thumb as we stare at our hands in the backseat of the cab.

_She did it for Sara._

Emy loved Sara. She wanted her to be happy. She knew how much Sara loves me. Sara didn't feel that way about her anymore, it's that simple. Emy knew that I could make Sara happy, something she could no longer have an opportunity to do after their break-up.

I unwind our fingers and bring Sara's hand to my lips, pressing them to the palm of her slender hand. I close my eyes, feeling Sara's on me, watching me tentatively.

Emy wanted us to be together. Somehow she knew that if she could open my eyes to see Sara in a new, less sisterly light, she could make Sara's pain subside. _What kind of person would I be if I didn't at least attempt to make Sara happy, when she's been so down for so long? _

I open my eyes as I pull Sara's hand away and place it gently back onto her knee, reaching beside me and replacing the space between her palms with the paperback she was reading. The cab driver turns on a major exit and we're on the highway, the radio turned up too loud now that I've got nothing more to whisper about.

SARA

Blurs of gray and green rush past our speeding car, going a steady seventy miles an hour at this point. The book in my hands feels heavy, weighing me down. I open it, hoping the pages will fall away onto the floor or out the window, to leave me with a spine and two measly, worn-out covers. The driver reminds us to put on our seatbelts and Tegan is back in her seat, clicking the safety belt into place. She feels so far away now after being so close, so sweet and endearing. How, in just a few short moments, can my heart beat so wildly, jumping from its confines behind my ribcage and die down so easily? Tegan makes me feel alive and uneasy simultaneously. She must feel powerful, having so much authority over the beat of my pulse. I stare at the black, printed story in front of me incoherently, distracted by the owner of my heart sitting so close, yet so far away.

Tegan takes out her phone from her jacket and taps at the keys.

_I wonder who she's texting..._

_Lindsey?_

How could I forget Lindsey? She's been Tegan's girlfriend for what, four, five years? It's hard to keep track of something so important to someone when you're desperately trying to forget it even exists. _I bet they're planning their next fuck._ They barely ever get to see eachother, Lindsey off in another time zone while Tegan's on the other side of the world with me. _I should be so lucky._ I feel a tinge of jealousy sting at my eyes and threaten to confront Tegan. Maybe she's just updating Twitter, just business. _Maybe, maybe, maybe._

I squint my eyes, trying to focus on making it seem like I'm not going insane with worry about the unpredictableness of my surroundings, and pretend to read.

TEGAN

I type my response to Lindsey but I can't bring myself to send it. I press the 'clear' button and come up with something else. I erase one reply after the other, unsure of what to say. Lindsey had asked how Sara was doing.

_What the fuck do I say?_

_Oh, she's fine. Her ex-wife just killed herself not a day ago. No biggie. She'll be fine. We'll be fine. _

I finally give up and drop my phone in my lap, defeated by uncertainty. I pinch the bridge of my nose and lean my head against the cool glass of the window. _Only three more hours of this to go..._

I watch the cars pass by as they head in the opposite direction of the cab. Odd, how similar our lives are to speeding traffic. We rush too much, never pause to enjoy the moment we're in, no matter how dull it may seem. Even when it's a yellow light, we don't slow down. I can't blame anyone for wanting to get where they need to be. But why not try to cherish the little things, like the way clean socks feel when you put them on? Maybe we'll run a red light a few times, but we all have to get out of the car sometime and lock the doors.

The cab driver is tapping the steering wheel to the beat of the music pumping through the aged speakers. I try to enjoy it, too, but I find it difficult.

Basically, I just feel numb. Emy's gone. Sara's probably torn up inside from it all. And I don't know what to do about it. I don't know if there is anything I can do to make it better.

_Would giving Sara and I's relationship a tug in a new direction really fix anything, would it really help anyone? What if I'm not what Sara's brought me up to be? What if I disappoint her?_

My head jerks forward and my stomach lurches. My face hits the back of the driver's seat and I feel my teeth crunch down into the inside of my cheek. The sound of the cabs' tires screeching along cement fills my ears and blocks out the sound of Sara screaming. My head is pulled back by inertia and meets the window with a crack. I don't have time to wince at the pain in my skull. I hear metal bending into metal and the clash of bumpers meeting in close proximity. I open my eyes as wide as they'll manage and see that a large portion of the front of the taxi is missing. The driver's arms are splayed; his left elbow bent in the wrong direction and, judging from the amount of blood surrounding him, is on the verge of collapsing. I turn away before my lunch finds its way back up from my stomach. My eyes dart to Sara, whose head is slumped, chin to chest.

I try to shout for her to give me a sign that she's alright, but all that comes out is a choked gasp. My throat burns and I taste blood. I reach to unbuckle my seatbelt, but stop when I find I wouldn't be able to move if I wanted to. My legs are buried halfway beneath the driver seat and I'm keenly aware of the brutal pain vibrating from my feet. I catch a glint of a reflection and reach down to grab my phone. With shaky hands, I dial 9, 1... Another crash of metal and I see the car rip into Sara's side of the cab as my phone flies out of my hands and lands in front of me near the bleeding driver. Hot tears well up in my eyes and spill over, blinding me temporarily until I blink and reach out for Sara's motionless body.

_Sara!_

_Please!_

_Oh, god, no. _

_Not now, please!_

_Please wake up._

_Sara, come one. Please._

_Wake up!_

_**Please.**_

I try once more to call out her name, but the exhaust clogs up my throat, causing me to cough instead. Everything has stopped moving and I feel like I'm the only living thing left, alone to sputter against the fumes of the shattered cars and hearts.

As I'm falling into unconsciousness, I swear I can hear Sara's voice, but before I can determine whether it was a hallucination or not, my mind goes blank and my eyes flutter closed.


	12. Floorplan

"...and she's been given pain killers. The stitches should heal in a few weeks. Do you have any questions, Mrs. Quin?"

_Where am I?_

"No, thanks. Can I stay with her for a while?"

_Mom? What's going on? _

"Of course."

_Okay, breathe. You're lying down. In a bed? Where?_

I try to open my eyes, but the piercing light above me forces them to shut tighter. I move my fingertips and feel the smooth surface of a hospital bed. I can tell it's a hospital's from the stiffness of the sheets, they're all the same. Crisp, cold. The pillows are artificial with comfort that's almost suffocating. The echo of leather soles tap against the linoleum floor and trace my ears. Everything is punctuated when I hear the sound of my mother settling into the chair next to me. I try to bury my ears into the cold cotton, but find that it only makes it worse. I groan in frustration.

_Can I please just go back to sleep?_

"Tegan?" Her voice is laced with worry. _If I don't respond, will she stop trying to rouse me? _

"Mom?" I croak out, my voice cracking. I sound tired.

_I'm so fucking tired._

"How are you feeling, honey?" _Honey? Mmm, honey. Fuck, now I'm hungry._

"I'm hungry."

"I'm sorry, but you can't eat anything just yet."

"What, why?" _Honey nut Cheerio's sound really good right now..._

"You just got out of surgery." She hesitates at the word 'surgery' and I grip the bleached blankets covering me. Suddenly it's too hot. I try to push the covers off of me, but they're tucked in or something because I can't escape no matter how hard I try. I feel my mother's hand push my shoulder back to keep me in place as she undoes the sheets and sets me free.

I lift my hands to rub the sleep out of my eyes. Inch by inch, I lift my eyelids slowly. The light seeps in and attacks my pupils. "Fuck." I mumble. I hear my mom sit back into her chair and I just know she's watching my every move.

My eyes adjust to the brightness and I can finally see my surroundings. I feel like a newborn kitten, tiny eyes peeking open. I look to my right to see a disappointing white wall. To my left, I'm met with the sincere smile of my aged mother, so sweet and caring. I let a smile of my own grow and I drop my arms back to my sides.

"It's so good to see you." She leans forward in her seat when she outstretches her hand and tucks a lock of hair behind my ear. "It's getting so long. You look beautiful." I smile against her hand as she cups my face. "Thanks, mum."

"Where's Sara?" I ask impatiently.

_Please be okay..._

My mother retracts her hand and runs it through her hair.

_Please._

"She's, uh...well,"

"Tell me!" I try to raise my voice, but it comes out as a desperate whisper.

"She hasn't woken up."

"Oh, god." I can already feel the tears welling up in my eyes as my mother rests her hand on top of mine. "What happened? Tell me what happened." I close my eyes again, wishing I'd never come out of unconsciousness to hear what I'd feared most.

"They found you in the back of a taxi. You were both out of it. They said Sara was hit hard, worse than you. You had blood in your mouth, said you must have bitten you tongue or something. God, I'm so glad you're okay." She squeezed my hand. "You both had your seatbelts on, that kept you from ending up like the driver. They said he was hit the worst. Lots of blood, and... Well, he didn't make it. You were hit by a truck and a minivan. Apparently, two kids were killed." I shut my eyes tighter, fighting against the tears that threatened to flood the very room. "They had to saw out the front seat to get your legs out." I tested my toes and found I couldn't move them. My legs are in casts. I bit my lip and wiped my eyes with my free hand.

"I'll be okay? I'll be able to walk again, right?" It takes everything in me not to burst into tears when she says "Yes."

I let out a hollow sigh.

_What about Sara?_

SARA

_Everything is blue. Crystal. I move my hands in front of me and find they're not my hands at all. I have fins. I extend one, a rush of indigo diamonds slice through me, but I don't feel them. I can see it, though. Red bubbles float out and wrap around me, gathering up until I'm surrounded by scarlet marbles. I reach out to discover my hands have come back and reach out to grab a dancing, red orb. When I touch one, all of them pop and dissolve before my eyes. In an instant, I'm left with pale blue. I search, frantically for any other sign of a way out. Looking down, I'm met with a starry-eyed girl. She looks familiar. _

_"Hello, Tegan." I wave politely, hoping I don't seem too needy. She huffs, turns to face away from me and crosses her arms. "Teegs, what's wrong?" I ask, concerned. She looks at me over her shoulder and pouts. "You're gross."_

_Shocked at how hurt I am by her childish words, I cover my eyes and try to block her out. "You don't mean that." I hear her laugh dangerously. "So sick."_

_Emy's bright, blue eyes replace Tegan's brown ones and it's Emy's voice that I hear when the teenaged Tegan continues her taunting._

_"You're so sick. So sick. I'm not as sick as you. So sick. Admit it. You're sick. So sick."_

My eyes dart open and I reach out for air. I can't breathe and the tears are starting to blur my vision. I gasp when I realize I don't know where I am or where my puffer is.

"He-elp!" I choke out.

I feel hands pulling my own away from my face and familiar plastic push past my lips. On instinct, I inhale. I rush of oxygen fills my lungs and relief washes over me.

The nurse guides my hand to the inhaler in my mouth and looks me straight in the eyes. Mine are open wide, perplexed. "You're fine?" I nod and remove the inhaler. "Yes, thank you." I wheeze. "Lay back... and watch your head." My eyes follow her as she leaves through the door and I relax into my pillow.

"Wait!" I try my best to be heard just as the nurse lets the door close shut. Thankfully, it opens again, but she doesn't come back in.

"Hello, it's good to see you're finally awake. I'm Dr. Stevens, you must be a bit disoriented, I assume." He stands at the side of the hospital bed and goes on to check several monitors and machines. "Uh, yeah." I clutch the inhaler and watch him closely.

"So, you've suffered a bit of damage in the accident, Sara, is it?"

I nod. "What accident? What damage?"

"You and your sister were in a car accident. You were hit in the back and side of your skull by the impact of a rather large minivan that crashed into the taxi you were in. You were unconscious for quite a while, we were beginning to think you'd never come out of it." I keep my eyes glued to him, afraid he might disappear and I'd fall back into dreamland again. "The cab driver was dead by the time the paramedics got to you and a five and nine year old didn't make it, either. Tragic. You're lucky to be alive."

"What about Tegan?" I ask.

"Your sister? Her legs were caught under the front seat; it was pushed back by the impact of the truck that hit the driver in the front of the car. She'll be in a wheelchair for about four months, and crutches a few more, but she'll be walking as good as new in, say, eight months."

I sigh, the realization that Tegan is okay made the bricks building inside my chest crumble and fall away. _We're going to be okay. Okay._

"You, on the other hand, were hit pretty hard. We stitched you up, but you've been in a light coma for almost a week."

A shiver runs down my spine when the doctor pulls the covers off of me, exposing my bruised right arm.

"The car door and a couple of shards of glass also got a hold of your arm." He lifts my arm and twists it slowly, showing me the dark yellow and purple bruises that had accumulated on my forearm. A line of stitches spread along my arm and stopped near my elbow, interfering with my ship tattoo.

"There was no brain damage, but you won't be able to take a proper shower for a few weeks. Also, we had to shave an area of your hair off to get a clear view to sew you up."

I nod, over and over again. I don't really know what to say. The only evidence that I'm not still dreaming is the searing pain radiating from the side of my head.

"When can I see my sister?"


	13. The Ocean

Dr. Stevens looks at me with honest eyes. "Sara, you only _just_ woke up from a _coma_. Give yourself some time." He goes to adjust the bandage around my head. My brow furrows as he fiddles with the gauze, his fingers nudging the wound and making me wince.

I don't need more time; I've already wasted three years giving myself time, hoping the pain would just go away. Sometimes waiting doesn't make anything any better. Sometimes it makes it worse.

I sit up when he finishes. "Can I go now? Where's her room?" I start to pull my legs out of the hospital bed, but Dr. Stevens puts a hand up to stop me.

"You can't go anywhere right now; you need some time to rest." He's so frustrating, it kills me! "I just fucking got done 'relaxing', now tell me where Tegan's room is!" My shouting startles him and he drops his hand.

I sit at the edge of the bed and attempt to stand. When I lift myself up, I feel the stitches in my arm strain, clutching it despite my efforts to appear well enough to leave.

"Please, just tell me where it is." I give him my most pleading gaze and hope he gives in and lets me go.

He stares back at me and bites his lip with an expression of understanding on his face. "I'll walk with you." I give the biggest grin I can manage without stretching the stitches in the back of my head. He holds out his arm and helps me gently off of the bed.

Being the height I am, I almost have to hop down. Dr. Stevens practically lifts me up and slowly down until my feet are firmly planted to the ground. He stands by my side as I take my first step towards the inevitable.

TEGAN

"Sara's coming?" I can already feel the butterflies making their way into my stomach as the nurse nods. "Now?" Another nod and the butterflies morph into dragonflies.

_She's coming._

_She's awake._

_She's okay._

The nurse turns to leave and I remember how insanely famished I am. "Wait! Um, do you have any Cheerio's?" My mother laughs lightly and says she'll get them for me. I sink into my pillow and sigh "Thanks, mum."

Five minutes after she's left to fetch me a bowl of cereal, I hear Sara's voice behind the wooden door.

"This is it?"

_Oh, god. _She sounds hoarse, much like she does after practicing "Walking with a Ghost", a song that she's admitted to struggling with vocally. The dragonflies go insane when the doorknob turns and Sara's small frame enters through the door.

She looks to her right before turning to face me, new to the room. Our eyes lock and it feels like my heart's caught on icy fire. I realize now, as Sara smiles at me with purest feeling I've come to accept and embrace, that I never want to lose her. I would die without her. If she'd had never woken up, I think I would have refused to open my eyes at all.

Without Sara, there is no Tegan. We were made for each other, and if one our sets of little lungs stop, the other will follow suit.

I've never been more sure in my life than I am right now, staring into Sara's glossy orbs, into the depths of her, at her deepest need. I see myself in her eyes, even behind my reflection as Sara makes her way to me.

She sits in the seat our mother had been occupying not ten minutes ago. She uses her left hand to scoot the chair closer to the bed and it finds its way to my right. When she looks back up at me, I catch a glimpse of her right arm.

"How are you feeling, Sara?"

"I'm okay. It hurts, though." She says, acknowledging her forearm.

"Your tattoo, it's ruined." The ship was cut off by an obvious line of stitches that almost burned burgundy.

"It's fine, really. I just won't wear t-shirts for a while. I don't wear them often, anyway, so..."

I grimace and look down at the casts encasing my legs and feet. "And I guess I won't wear shorts ever again."

Sara follows my eyes to my legs and inhales sharply. "Tee, I'm so sorry."

"It wasn't your fault. They said I'll be able to walk again in like, a year." Sara's eyes glisten with fresh tears.

"Sara, no. Don't cry. It's okay; they said I'll be okay." I plead with her not to cry, but I feel my own tears welling their way into my eyes. Sara buries her face in her left arm resting on the side of the bed. I lift my right hand to rest under her ear and wipe away a tear with my thumb.

"Shh, Sasa it's okay." I can't subdue the sob that breaks out past my lips. Sara lifts her head up slightly and searches for my eyes, locking them with her own. Her hand finds mine and links our fingers together.

"Tegan, I can't live without you. After everything, all I want to do is to just hold onto you. I'm afraid if I let go, I'll lose you forever. I... I know it's got to be hard for you to feel it, too, but I n-need you, Tegan. I need you more than you'll ever, _ever_ know." Her tears are falling past her cheeks now, each one building up after the other, faster than the last. She says it all in a rush, almost in a hurry.

"I can't lose you, Tegan. I've already lost Emy; I can't bear to lose you, too. Just promise me you won't leave, promise me you won't do something you'll regret."

Sara's eyes cut into mine. Here, in this hospital room, I've found the very thing I was born to live for.

_Sara._

SARA

Our fingers are tightly intertwined and it feels as if our tears are synchronized. I reach to wipe away Tegan's damp cheeks, and just as I begin to lean into her, our mother walks in.

"Tegan, I got your-" I let go of Tegan's hand in a hurry and wipe my eyes with my hospital gown. Tegan looks over at our mom as I sit back in my chair, cradling my arm. "...cereal." She walks over to us and hands Tegan the bowl of Cheerio's, followed by a plastic spoon.

I take to focusing on the sound of Tegan crunching on her breakfast and hide my eyes from my mother. She pulls up another chair from the corner of the room and sits on the other side of Tegan, facing me.

"Sara, I'm _so_ glad you're awake. I was beginning to worry." She examines my arm from across Tegan and a look of concern invades her smiling face.

"I'm fine, mum." My eyes still burn from crying and I try to blink it away.

Tegan finishes her cereal and our mom gets up to take the bowl back to the cafeteria. She's always been overly polite like that. I want to tell her to forget about the fucking bowl and stay, but once she's left the room, I decide I can't wait any longer.

I wait for the door to click shut and stand over Tegan, leaning into her until our faces are inches apart. Without breaking eye contact, I let my heart spill out over her chest and watch her anxious eyes as I finally give Emy what she wanted from me.

"Tegan Rain Quin, my sister, my twin. I, Sara Kirsten Quin, am in love with you and I don't give a _single fuck_ what anyone thinks of it."

Tegan's still mesmerized when I lean in and press my lips firmly against hers. I wait for her to react, half expecting to be pushed away. She hesitates for a split second and I feel myself falling apart until she starts kissing me back, lips returning the same amount of heated pressure I'm giving. Eyes closed, Tegan deepens the kiss until I'm begging for breath. With all the strength and will left in my body, I pull away and bring my lips to her ear. I hover there for a moment, letting her hear how jagged my breathing is, how easily she takes it away.

"Do you love me?" I ask, whispering as softly as I can, afraid of scaring her away.

She reaches up and cups my face in her hands, bringing it directly in front of hers and looking straight into my wide eyes, full of want and need.

"I love you, Sara."


	14. Frozen

I drink in Tegan's eyes, tears welling up in them as she bites her bottom lip, waiting for me to make the next move. I blink away the blurriness brought on by fresh tears. The lump in my throat makes it hard to breathe steadily and it's noticeable how fast my heart is beating when I take in a deep rush of air, releasing it in a jagged, broken breath.

I keep my eyes on Tegan's and train my brain to remember the look on her face, the feeling of her apprehensive hand on my cheek, engraving itself and branding me with her searing skin. I feel her slowly pull my face back to hers.

Cautiously, her lips brush over mine. Her breath is warm against my lips and I can already taste them, still inches away. Her hand reaches back behind my head, bringing me even closer to her until our lips finally collide for the second time. I grip the sheets of the hospital bed, holding on for dear life as Tegan presses our mouths together. She moves her lips and I follow suit. The kiss is stronger than the first. The desperation in the quiet moan against my lips jolts through my body.

I squeeze my legs together, trying to stifle the pulsing between them when Tegan gently tugs at my hair, avoiding the bandage keeping my stitches intact and causing my neck to arch. She separates us, her mouth mere centimeters from my own. When she exhales, her breath is caught with mine and I inhale, the heavy air traveling to my busy lungs.

Tegan traces my bottom lip with her tongue, so soft and inviting. She asks for entrance with the tip her tongue and I open my mouth a fraction more. I slip mine past my lips, catching hers in mid-sweep. They touch and I make a point of taking my time. I don't want to rush anything, even if I _have _waited so long to feel Tegan like this, to feel as connected to her as I do in this instant. I open my mouth wider and she slips her tongue in between my teeth, still dancing with mine. I smile in the kiss when I realize I can taste Tegan's breakfast.

She parts our lips again to lick her own. I open my eyes to see Tegan smiling from ear to ear, her white teeth practically glimmering. My ears feel like they're on fire when Tegan leans in again, but doesn't go for another kiss. Instead, she ends up at my ear.

She must know it's my weak spot_. _A shiver runs down my spine and makes its way to my throbbing core when she takes my earlobe between her teeth and bites down with the perfect amount of pressure.

My eyes fly up to the ceiling as her hand makes its way to my neck. Her fingers stop at my pulse point, calculating how uneven the beat of my heart is when she flicks her tongue across my earlobe.

"Oh my god." I whimper.

I hear the doorknob turning and my eyes open wide in terror. I pull my face away from Tegan's quickly without warning. I regret my action when Tegan doesn't release my ear from her mouth.

Startled, Tegan closes her teeth around my earlobe as I pull away, breaking skin and causing me to yelp.

"Ow! Fuck!" I reach for my ear with my right hand and push Tegan's shoulder back with the other.

Maybe too hard, because her head thumps against the wall and she cries out, too.

"Shit!"

She retracts her hand from my neck and brings it to the back of her head. The door opens all the way and a nurse walks in as I frantically create more space between our bodies and sit back in the chair by the hospital bed. I look up the nurse and she closes the door behind her.

"Everything alright?" She gives Tegan and I a suspicious look laced with interest. I try to hide my aching ear behind a trembling hand and adjust my hair with the other. Tegan answers after I don't give a hint of responding.

_How could I, when my breathing is so labored? _I wouldn't be able to form a coherent sentence right now if my life depended on it.

I cross my legs and find that I'll need to wipe myself off later.

"Yeah, um, her head just hurts from the stitches and I accidentally hit them, sorry."

I watch the nurse to see if she'd caught onto the lie. She nods and looks over to me.

"The pain should subside in a few days, you'll be okay. Just don't mess with the bandage too much, alright?"

I plaster a fake smile on my face and give her a thumbs up. The nurse returns the smile and goes to check Tegan's monitors.

The nurse says that I have to go back to my room and I say goodbye to Tegan. More like grin at her since I can't seem to find my voice just yet. I leave the room and immediately find myself fighting the urge to turn back around, rip open the door and leap back into Tegan's embrace.

I sigh and walk back to my hospital room with the nurse, hand still massaging away the pain in my earlobe the entire trip there.

TEGAN

I cover my mouth with my hand. _What the fuck just happened? _

I don't have time to wonder when my mom walks into the room. I keep my hand over my lips, afraid she'll somehow figure everything out if I reveal the scene of the crime. She comes to sit in the chair beside my hospital bed and smiles at me. Oh, how unaware she is. I feel a wave of guilt and shame wash over me as I look into my mother's eyes.

_She accepts Sara and I for who we love, she supports our choices in life. _

_But would it be the same if we told her we loved each other? More than sisters? Would she think we were mentally ill, try to put us into another therapy session? Maybe a mental hospital? Would she even believe us? She could laugh; say we were just fucking with her, attempt to disregard the way Sara looks at me behind her back. Ignore the subtle signs that clue her into the seemingly sick emotions that I feel when I think of Sara_. I shudder, imagining our mother interrupting Sara and I in such a heated moment, like the one that'd happened in this very room.

"Sara went back to her room?" My mom breaks me out of my trance with her sweet, understanding voice.

"Yeah." I run my hands through my hair and sigh. "Is there a remote for the TV in here?" I ask. She looks around and finds the channel changer lying on the stand beneath the monitor. "Oh, here it is." She gets up and grabs it, handing it to me as she sits back down in her seat. I press the 'power' button and watch as the screen comes to life. I flip through channels of cartoons and reality shows until I hear a familiar name.

SARA

"Emy Storey has been reported missing this morning. She hasn't been seen in four days, last sighted in New York City at an opening for an art gallery. If you've seen her, please call the number below. Again, Emy Storey has been reported missing; please call the number below if you've seen her."

I stare at the television screen in shock. My eyes burn and the throbbing in my ear is getting increasingly worse. Emy's bright face stares back at me. I thought I'd never see that smile again.

The tears come back, this time cold. Icy drops of agony fall down my face and I drop my arms to my side, giving up on trying to comfort myself when I know it won't do any good. The reporter moves on to the next breaking news story and I turn down the volume.

_She really did have it all planned out._

I imagine Emy shadowing over her desk in her studio, scribbling out her plan on snowy sheets of printing paper. Her favorite blue pen scribbling out her suicide, creating the occurrence in detail from the eye of her mind. I bet she even drew diagrams. Hell, maybe even illustrations of the gun in her gut.

"I'm so sorry, Emy. I'm so sorry." I whisper, letting the syllables float through the sterilized air and die slowly when they reach the opposite wall of the hospital room.

TEGAN

Emy didn't even tell anyone about her plan. She didn't give anyone a sign that she was in such a depressed state. No sudden change in style, she didn't give anyone her things. Nothing.

Maybe they'll never know. I'm certainly not going to be the one to tell them. Not when I was a part of the cause for it.

No one would have expected dear, sweet Emy to pull the trigger.

I know I didn't.

When she and Sara broke up, I thought it would surely be Sara that might have a small chance of weighing the idea of suicide in her mind. She practically cried for three years over her.

Before that, I thought there was a limit to how many tears you could shed. I was proven wrong when I visited Sara one winter break off of tour at her apartment in Montreal. It was so cold there. The icicle wind felt like it belonged there, though. It matched up with the sadness that practically radiated off of Sara as I hugged her close to me in the doorway of her home. She shivered against me, partly from the freezing temperature, but mostly due to the sobs that racked her small frame each time she tried to breathe properly.

I turn off the TV and wish I'd never turned it on in the first place.

People are going to start asking questions. People close to Emy are going to ask me if I know anything about her disappearance, seeing as we were fairly close friends and being her employer. I don't doubt them interrogating Sara, asking her everything she knows, even if Sara and Emy haven't spoken much or even spent time outside of work together.

_I won't open my mouth. I'm not saying a word_.

_They probably won't ever find her body, the Shadow's must have been informed ages ago of what they needed to do with it to clean any evidence. _

_Emy always was a very specific person._

My mom turns to me and takes the remote out of my hands. She puts it back where she found it and looks at me, her eyes searching for an explanation in my own. I don't give her one.

And I never will.

She asks the obvious question that I expect every other person I encounter from this day forward to wonder. "Do you know where Emy is?"

I create a barricade between my eyes and my mind, blocking her out from reading my facial expression and figuring me out.

_Why is this so easy? How is it possible for me to become so distant from my actual emotions in only an instant? _

I smile, not because I know the truth behind my lies, but because of my ability to hide it.

"No, I haven't heard from Emy in months. I was beginning to worry, too. I can't believe I didn't suspect she'd be missing." I sigh, slumping my shoulders and sinking further into the hospital bed. "I hope she's okay..."

My mother grimaces and reaches out to pat my hand. "Me, too."

The nurse walks in and announces that visiting times are over and my mom rises from her chair.

"I love you, Tegan. I'm going to say goodbye to Sara, but I want you to let her know that you love her, too. You could lose eachother so easily. You have to remind one another of how much you mean to eachother, okay? Life goes by too quickly, my dear." She leans down and kisses my forehead and walks to the door of the hospital room.

"I will."


	15. Walking With A Ghost

The next two months almost drove me insane. I wasn't allowed to leave my hospital bed and the only time I could move was with a nurse holding me up so I could make my way to a wheelchair. That was the only way I could go to the bathroom down the hall.

At least I had Sara.

She came to my hospital room every day during visiting hours. She sat in the chair next to the bed when there was company, but once the nurses left, she was in my arms again. The door would click shut and I would scoot over to make room for Sara. She'd stay over the sheets in case someone came in. Her hand would find mine and we'd lay there watching reruns of 'Friends' on the TV until I fell asleep and she had to leave.

_I wish she were here right now._

Today, I get the casts on my legs replaced. My insurance paid for the hospital bill and the wheelchair I'll be in for another four months. I'll have to use crutches for the remaining two and then I'll be on my feet again. This means I can't fly home to Vancouver and that I'll have to stay at Sara's apartment for six months.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't elated by the thought of living with Sara.

It took us days to convince our mom not to stay with us. We're thirty, we can take care of ourselves, but she insisted that we would need her for comfort.

_"What are you going to do for food? You can't order pizza every night for six months." Our mom crossed her arms, sure that she'd win this argument with little effort._

_"I can cook, mum. I can go to the store and buy groceries. I can do all of that, really." Sara said, crossing her own arms. "We'll be fine without you, okay?" Our mother sighed and submitted defeat. "Fine, but if you two need anything, anything, just call me."_

The doctor goes over the finer lines of what I need to know and announces that I'll be released before the end of the day.

"Thank you." I say, relieved at the news. "Not to be a bitch or anything, but I hope I never see you again."

He laughs and clicks the pen in his hand. "And I you, Ms. Quin."

SARA

Dr. Stevens said I'm free to leave since they've done all the tests they need on me and I'm well enough to make it home on my own.

"Your sister will be ready later today, so if you want to wait for her, feel free to wait in the lobby."

I shake my head. "I can't go to her room?"

"No, I'm sorry." He heads for the door.

"Wait, why?" I ask quickly.

"She won't be there. They're replacing the casts on her legs in another room. I have to check on my other patients, but at least go pick up your personal items, okay? Goodbye Ms. Quin." He doesn't wait for me to object and closes the door behind him.

I stand up from my seat on the edge of the hospital bed and silently say my farewells to this room. I'd hated everything about it ever since I woke up from my coma. The boring, white walls and the annoying beeps of the heart monitor. I hate how cold the sheets feel and how ridiculous I look in this gown. I hate how secluded I feel. I hate how far away Tegan is from me.

I walk out of the room and through the halls, taking an elevator down to the front lobby. At the reception desk, I tell the nurse my name and ask for my belongings. She has me sign some papers and gets up from her desk to find my things in the storage room behind her. She returns with a plastic sealed bag. I thank her and search for a seat in the waiting room of the lobby.

Other than me, a teenage girl and middle-aged woman are sitting on opposite sides of the room.

_I'm still in my hospital gown, I better go change..._

Before I turn around to go to a nearby restroom, the girl in the corner of the room catches my eye. She seems to recognize me, as her previously somber appearance transforms into one of awe. I brush my growing bangs forward to cover my eyes and turn away. I hope she isn't some crazy fan and won't try to follow me for a picture. That's one thing I'm not interested in right now. I rush to the bathroom down the hall and pray the girl doesn't come in after me.

I go to the last stall and close the door, clicking the lock in place before I go to open the bag in my hands. I break the seal and search the contents for my phone. I pull out a Blackberry, but it isn't mine. It's black. It's Tegan's.

_She'll know if I look through it. _

I put Tegan's phone back in the plastic bag and search for my clothes. When I'm done getting dressed, I find my phone and the key to my apartment at the bottom of the bag. Beneath our jackets is the book I'd been reading in the cab. I pull it out and examine the damage. Save for a creased cover, it's in pretty good shape.

Thankful for something to distract me while I wait for Tegan, I exit the bathroom.

"Shit!" I gasp. The girl that had been sitting in the waiting room is leaning against the wall, arms crossed. She jumps when she hears the surprise in my voice and elicits several honest apologies. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's fine. I need to go." I say in a rush and turn to leave.

"Wait! Uh, someone left this for you." The girl hands me an envelope. I tuck the plastic bag under my arm and flip the envelop over to find my name typed clearly in the center.

"Who gave this to you?" I start to peel open the sealed flap as the girl adjusts the collar of her shirt.

"Some lady with brown hair dropped it off while you were in the bathroom. She said to give it to you when you got out, so I did."

I look up at the girl in front of me. She's not a fan. I wonder if she even knows who I am...

"Taylor! Come on, we're leaving." The girl turns to look at the woman sitting in the waiting room and sighs. "I've got to go, sorry." She walks away before I can inquire any more about who gave her the envelope. She walks out of the front entrance of the hospital with her mother.

I go back to opening the envelope and tear the rest of the seal off. Inside, I find a folded piece of paper and a key. I pull the paper out first and unfold it.

454 Beaumont, Montreal pod #27

I take out the key. It has the number 27 engraved into it.

I know what I have to do.

TEGAN

They released me after replacing my casts and I was pushed in my wheelchair to the front lobby by a nurse. When I got there, Sara was waiting for me. She was lost in her book, captivated yet again by her favorite novel. I say goodbye to the nurse and roll over to Sara, clearing my throat to gain her attention.

"Hey, Sar. Is that my stuff?" She looks up at me and smiles, handing me the plastic bag from her lap.

"Yeah, the bathroom is over there." Sara points toward the restroom.

"Oh, and we have to make a stop before we get to my apartment, okay?" She closes her book and stands. I nod and turn the wheelchair around and Sara pushes me to the bathroom, opening the door, but she doesn't go in with me.

After struggling a bit to pull my pants on over my casts, I'm dressed fully and I put my phone in my jacket pocket. Sara is once again reading her book when I exit the bathroom.

"I called the taxi already. Don't worry about the wheelchair; it's the hospitals anyway. Mum already dropped yours off at my house." The cab is waiting for us outside and Sara gives the directions to the driver once again.

"We're going to a storage facility? Why?" I ask, confused.

Sara pulls a key out of her pocket and a folded piece of paper from the other. She holds them up in front of us, waving them slightly in her hands. "We're going to find out what Emy left us."

I stare back at Sara blankly. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

Sara waves the key and paper with more urgency and raises her eyebrows. "Somebody left me an envelope with this in it. They gave it to a girl that was in the lobby and told her to give it to me when I got out of the bathroom." She opens the folded piece of paper and hands it to me. "It's an address, Tegan. The girl said a lady with brown hair gave it to her. Who do you think it was?"

"I don't know, but I have a feeling we'll find out sooner or later."

Sara nods and takes the paperback, folding it again and tucking it into her pocket. She sits back and buckles her seatbelt. I do the same and watch the road in front of me carefully, analyzing the movements of the cars around us. 


	16. Terrible Storm

SARA

We arrive at the storage facility nearing evening. Through the entrance gate, I instruct the driver to park close by. He stops in a spot next to the pod labeled "30".

"I'll just go in; you can wait out here, Tegan?" I unbuckle my seatbelt and turn to Tegan, who was about to unfasten her own. She clicks her buckle back into place and nods. "Yeah, just hurry, okay?" I open my door and place my book on the seat, grasping the envelope in my hand as I utter a rushed "Okay." and shut the car door.

Clutching the envelope in my palm, I walk a steady pace to the pod filling the space between number's '26' and '28'. Standing in front of pod '27', I pull out the slip of paper with the typed address and reassure myself that I've got the right place. I pull out the key and turn it between my fingers, feeling the serrated edge against my thumb.

The pod looks more like an archaic garage of sorts, with peeling, gray paint and a slightly rusted latch. The only sign that it had been in use as of late was the form situated next to the large opening. It's mandatory that each visitor who opens the pod initial and fill it out. I walk up to the framed paper and read the single log that's been filled out.

_27_

_Name: K. K._

_Date: 2/25/11_

Finding the key slot, I slide it in and turn it to the left. I hear the lock click out of place and take a deep breath.

I bend down and pull the latch up.

The sunlight pours into the open space, but it still feels dark when I enter the storage space. I tug the arms of my jacket and put the key, along with the paper, back in the envelope. The chilly air hits me like daggers and a shiver races down my spine. Goosebumps rise on my arms. Despite the light coming from outside, I still can't see much inside. I search for a lighswitch and come across one on the left wall.

They flicker and illuminate the room. My teeth start to chatter as I look around. There's nothing in here, save for what I believe is an overturned refrigerator. I inch my way closer to investigate, but I'm halted when I lay eyes on a photograph lying on top of the fridge.

I inch closer to get a better look and pick up the picture with hesitancy. I remember when Tegan took this when we were touring for So Jealous. Emy and I had found an old, cherry red bike at a yard sale on our day off of playing shows night after night. It'd caught Emy's eye as we were taking a walk and I, eager to please my girlfriend's inner child, bought the vintage bicycle. She insisted I climb on for a ride and I complied as Tegan was determined to document every occurrence of our tour life after some advice from a wise former musician. Passing by her in a parking lot where the tour bus was parked, Tegan snapped the picture of Emy and me at a time when I can recall actually being in love.

The tears welled up in my eyes and I shivered once more before turning the photo over. On the back, printed in what is without a doubt Emy's handwriting, was a last request.

_Bury my body in the park near the coffee house where we first met. You know where it is._

_Yours,_

_E Storey_

I stare at the fridge, afraid of making another move. I could always just not go through with it. I could leave her corpse here, in this storage pod, to freeze. I could always just walk out and leave.

Whatever it is that keeps me from ignoring Emy's dying wish, it forces me to lift open the freezer and look inside. I raise the lid and the bitter iced-over rush of air hits me like a speeding truck. I expect to be met with Emy's shocked, blue face, but rather, I find a zipped body bag. I know she's behind the thick plastic. She's probably as pale and fragile as egg shells. So easily broken, so delicate.

And I broke her.

I close the lid of the freezer and fold the photograph, tucking it into my pocket and pulling out my phone. I text Tegan and shut off the light. With the pen that's connected to the form, I initial my name and scribble out the date; _S.K.Q. 3/17/11_

I walk to the taxi and climb back inside, picking up my book and opening it to the last page I was reading. Tegan looks at me with wide eyes and a question threatens to spill out past her lips. She grimaces and takes her bottom lip between her teeth and sits back in her seat.

TEGAN

I read the text over and over again as Sara continues to read her book.

_It's empty._

Why would Emy go through all the trouble of renting out storage pod and end up not using it at all? It's like she's just fucking with us all over again, and she's not even alive.

It could be her helpers, I bet. Sara said the person who gave the girl the envelope had brown hair. Who do I know that has brown hair?

I go through the people I know, picking out those who are brunettes. I discard suspects like Lindsey, who I know couldn't possibly be involved.

It's probably someone Emy's close to, as well. There are so many people that could have been there to witness what Emy has done to Sara and I. I'm embarrassed to think some stranger could have seen what had happened at Emy's studio.

Frustrated, I decide to check my missed alerts on my phone to distract me from my uneasiness. Lindsey's left me two voicemails and three texts. I read through the texts first, they all they the same thing, "Are you okay? Did you hear about Emy? I love you, I hope you're okay." I sigh and listen to the first voicemail.

"Hey, Tegan. Your mom called me this morning and told me about the accident. I'm so glad you're alive. You have no idea how much I love you. I can't wait to see you."

A smile breaks my grimace and I listen to the next voicemail.

"Emy's missing! Have you seen her? Oh, god, I cannot believe this shit. Oh my god, oh my god." I can hear her voice almost crack from sobbing into the phone. "I can't... I need to see you. I'm booking a flight, Tegan. I need, I need to..." I can hear her moving the phone to her other ear. "I love you, baby, okay? I'll be at Sara's by the twentieth; hopefully you'll be out by then. I'll call you when I get off the plane. I love you." The line clicks and I exit out of the voicemail.

She's going to be here in three days.

"Sara? Uh, Lindsey's coming in a few days, is that okay?" She doesn't look away from her book and nods. "Yeah, 's fine."

I should be excited to see my girlfriend, but I'm filled with dread instead. I don't want her to see me like this. Vulnerable, helpless, immobile. Maybe she'll distract me from Sara. Keep my mind off of the newborn thoughts of my twin that I wish would disappear. I've only just begun to notice certain things about Sara that make me feel disturbed, yet intrigued.

Like the way she articulates her words. I never thought I could be attracted to intelligence before. It's almost...sexy. And when she gets that slight lisp, oh my god. Her neck, that jaw line, even her hands get me going.

I really need to stop before I get carried away with my thoughts.

I'm saved from my train of thought when the cab stops in front of Sara's apartment complex. Sara closes her book and pays the driver.

"I'll go get your chair." She says as she leaves the cab and enters the building. Minutes later, she returns with a wheelchair and brings it around to my side of the car. I open the door and unbuckle my seatbelt. Sara aligns the chair so I can get into it easily and I grab her book before I exit the taxi.

Thank god her apartment's on the first floor. I haven't been here in a year, but I still manage to remember which one is Sara's and roll up to the door. It's unlocked, so I invite myself in without waiting for Sara to catch up to me. It appears Sara hasn't been here in a while, either.

"Way to keep it tidy, Sar."

"Oh, fuck off, Tegan. We've been on tour for over a year." She says playfully. "Mom already dropped our suitcases off with your wheelchair. Good thing the back of the car didn't get hit, I've got my computer in there." Sara goes to the kitchen and begins making a pot of coffee. "Can you unpack by yourself, or do you want me to help?" She looks at me over her shoulder, filling the cartridge with coffee carefully so as not to spill any. I shake my head. "I got it, thanks." I go over to my luggage and look through it, checking if everything is there. When I feel the harness I sigh in relief and zip my suitcase back up.

Sara comes into the living room and sits on the loveseat with a mug of steaming java in her pale hands. She takes a sip and looks at me from behind the lip of the cup. I give her a small smile and pretend to look for something important in my suitcase. Sara puts her coffee on the table in front of her and crosses a leg over her knee. "You can take the bed, I'll sleep out here." I glance up at her for a moment. She seems sure of her decision and I accept her attempt at being generous. I wouldn't be able to say no to her offer, it sounded more like an order, anyway. Being the stubborn character she is, she'd end up forcing me to sleep in her bed. "Thanks, Sar." I plant a weak smile on my lips, failing to hide my want for her to join me in her room.

SARA

Sometimes I wonder why I buy furniture in the first place. This couch was cheap; I got it at a local thrift store owned by an elderly French couple. It was cheap; I'd purchased it when I first moved here. I just needed something to fill the open space in my living room. All I had was a mattress on the floor of my bedroom and my recording equipment set up close by. At least now I had air conditioning and heat.

I'm staring at the ceiling that I can't even see through the darkness surrounding me. It's almost one in the morning and I still haven't gotten any sleep. Tegan's probably dreaming away right now in my comfortable bed. But she deserves it. She needs more sleep than I do, she needs more rest. At least I can walk.

On that thought, I get up and toss the blankets onto the couch. I find the lamp and switch it on, squinting as my eyes adjust to the brightness. I slip on my shoes, not bothering to find any socks and pull on my parka. I grab my phone and keys and lock the door behind me.

I don't know where I'm going, but my feet just keep following one after the other. I turn as many street corners as possible. I want to be lost in this familiar city. I leave spaces in the snow where my shoes have been. I hide within the hood of my coat and trudge on until I can't feel my toes.

I let my mind wander.

I think about Tegan. I think about Emy. I think about what Tegan might be thinking about.

Is she thinking of me? I must be on her mind, some way or another.

My phone vibrates in my jacket pocket. I stop in the middle of the empty street as I'm crossing to the other side and stare at the screen.

_Bury the body or we'll bury you with it._


	17. Back In Your Head

Is this a joke? I look for the number on the illuminated screen. How did they block me from seeing it?

This must be a joke.

Aware of my surroundings even more now, I look around cautiously. It seems I'm the only person out and about tonight. I'm alone.

_Are you really?_

Paranoid and shaken, I turn around and try to remember how to get home. Every step I take echoes in my ears. The world seems dauntingly bleak as I trudge through the bitter winds of Montreal. My thoughts intervene with the comforting sound of the soles of my shoes hitting ground through sheets of winter.

I have no choice, do I? The Shadow's are obviously still alive. There are at least two of them that I can recall from Emy's studio. I never caught a glimpse of either of their faces or features. According to the girl at the hospital, one of them has brown hair. Who else would leave a key to the place where Emy's body is? It's got to be one of the Shadows. I know they're watching me. They have my information. Probably left by Emy. All in the name of her master plan, right? I wonder what else she has planned.

I turn a corner and find that I haven't walked too far from my apartment. It's only a few blocks away. With my phone still encased in my trembling hand, I cross my arms close to my chest and look behind me every few seconds.

_I know you're watching me._

I have to do it, then. If their eyes are on me, surely they've got Tegan under their surveillance. I can't do it alone, though. I don't know how to drive, I haven't got a license. I'll need someone to help move the body. I'll need Tegan.

I'm alleviated when I see my apartment building and make my way up the steps and into the complex. The heated air numbs my fingers and I feel myself defrost. I unlock the door and wipe my shoes on the welcome mat.

TEGAN

I hear the front door open. It closes shortly afterwards and a figure fills the space left by the bedroom door ajar. It doesn't move for several seconds. When I see the door begin to open wider I close my eyes and pretend to be dreaming. Their breath is shallow as they sit on the side of the bed, careful not to wake me.

"Tegan?" Sara whispers.

I fake a yawn and stretch my limbs with perfect artificial grogginess. I rest my right arm over my forehead and open an eye. Sara has her coat and shoes on. "Where did you go?" I ask, my voice cracking and making it seem like I haven't been awake since she left hours ago.

"Out. Just walking." She turns her head to look at me through the subtle darkness, low light coming in through the open door. She left the lamp on in the living room. It's only half of her face that I see, but it troubles me nonetheless. Her eyes are so despondent. I bite my lip, anticipating what she's bound to reveal. "At the storage place, there was something in there." I use my arms to sit up and I forget my charade of just waking up. Her demeanor screams 'Distressed!'

"Sara, what is it?" It comes out louder than I want it to and I flinch at my own interest. Sara is unaffected and I know it's difficult for her to keep her eyes locked on mine.

"Emy. They left her in a fucking freezer, Tegan! I ca-can't..." She drops her head and holds her face in her hands, letting her phone fall onto the bed. She starts to cry and I wrap my arms around her, pulling her into me and choking back my own tears. A sob racks her body like a gunshot. "Shh, it's okay. It's okay."

"A motherfucking f-freezer!" Sara almost shouts and returns my embrace, her arms now wrapping around me tightly. The last time we were this close was months ago in Sara's hotel bed. Sara's crying just the same as that night. The hood of her parka falls and I can tell from how cool her skin feels that she's been outside in the negative degree weather for much too long. I open my mouth and lightly breathe warm air onto her neck, hoping it'll calm her down. When she feels it, she stiffens and releases me. Her arms, once desperate, now push me away from her body. The act is not violent enough to anger me, but it's somehow cold and I'm surprised at how hurt I am by it.

"I, uh, sorry." I stutter and she rubs her neck with her hand, wiping away my attempt to make things better. I silently curse myself as she picks up her phone from the bed. I ruffle my unkempt hair and wish I was asleep.

Sara holds her Blackberry up to my face and I squint to see the screen through the brightness. "They're talking about Emy. It's a threat, Tegan. They'll kill us if we don't do it. They've got everything they need, too. Remember the other people that were at Emy's studio?"

"With the masks?"

"Yeah, they sent me this while I was walking and there isn't even a number. They've got the guns; still, I'm sure of it." Sara takes her phone back and gets up from the bed. "We don't have a choice, Tegan. They're watching us, following us. I wouldn't be surprised if they were peeking through the goddamn window right now." She begins to pace the short distance from the bed to the door. "I mean, how the fuck are we going to do it? Why do we have to do it? God, it's like she's torturing me all over again." I wince at the memory, all too real in my mind's eye. I can't believe it's only been months. It feels like we're still in that studio, tied to those chairs.

"Maybe if we just do this they'll leave us alone. We'll find someone who can help us without asking too many questions. We need a car, shovels..." I pull the sheets off of me before realizing I wouldn't be able to get up. I reach for my phone on the side table instead and use the notepad on my Blackberry to make a list of the things we'll need.

Sara sits down on the bed again and runs her hands through her hair. "Who can we ask that we know won't try to pry?"

"Wait, I know!" I save the list on my phone and go to my contacts. "She can drive, she can rent a car, and she won't ask questions or anything. It's perfect!" I type out my message. Sara looks at me, totally confused. "Who?"

I finish my text and show Sara before I press send.

_To: Lindsey Byrnes _

_Can you do me a favor when you get off your flight?_

"Tegan, you're brilliant." Sara slips me a smile and stands up again. "I haven't gotten any sleep; it's been on my mind ever since we left the storage place." Sara admits and walks to the door. I put my phone back onto the side table and pull the sheets back over my legs. "Are you good now, though?" I make myself comfortable, adjusting the pillows and lying back. I want to ask Sara if she wants to sleep with me, but I bite my tongue. With the way she reacted earlier to my attempt to ease her, I'm afraid she'll push me away again.

_It won't hurt to ask, you know._

_She could say no._

_You'll never know if you don't._

_Ask her._

_But she might say no._

_But she could say yes._

"Hey, Tegan?" I'm snapped out of my cognitive dilemma by Sara's sweet voice.

"Yeah?" She's still standing by the door. It's been a few minutes and she hasn't answered my question of whether she was okay or not.

"Can I, um, sleep in here...with you?" She falters when I hesitate and don't reply fast enough for her. "Okay, sorry. I didn't mean,"

"No, no. I mean yes. Yeah, you can." I say quickly before she decides to bolt out of the room. Sara's halfway out of the door when she says "Thanks." and starts to unbutton her parka. When she takes it off and hangs it on the rack by her computer desk, she slips out of her shoes but doesn't bother to change into pajamas. She leaves the door open and walks over to the other side of the bed. I feel her pull the covers up and climb in next to me. With me on my back, she turns hers to me and I wait for her breathing to slow before I say anything.

"Goodnight, Sasa." I whisper loud enough for her to hear it and turn my back to her as well.

I don't know if I'm imagining things, but I swear I could hear her elicit the quietest "I love you" when I almost slip into unconsciousness. Maybe she didn't mean for me to hear it, but I turn slowly and lightly kiss the back of her shoulder. "I love you, too." I turn to my side again and wait for her to push me out of the bed.

"Tegan, why do you do that?"

I catch my breath. I was hoping she'd just take the moment and let it sit, but she speaks up instead. "What?"

"I know things have been crazy, but can you just be real with me?"

I don't say anything. I don't know what to say. She just keeps talking when I don't, maybe she can tell I don't know what to say.

"I say 'I love you' and you go and do that? After all that's happened, can you at least pretend you're not pretending to love me, too?"

More silence. I stare at Sara's back, watching her mouth move as she speaks.

"Yes, Tegan. I'm in love with you. Maybe you're in love with me, too. I can't tell if it's real or if you're just trying to justify Emy's death. You don't have to be with me. I know some people think it's wrong. It could be. But when I think of you, when I see you, I just... I feel for you in ways that are against what society expects of me. You're my sister and I'm in love with you. It's so simple. It feels so right. I don't want you to love me like I love you if it's not how you really feel."

Can she tell I'm crying? Can she hear it?

Can she even feel me when I scoot closer to her and wrap my arm around her waist?

"Don't do this if you're not doing it because you want to. Forget Emy and her twisted plot. Emy's suicide isn't a waste no matter what you decide to do, okay?"

She waits for me to answer. I have to say something...

"I...I'm in love with you, too, Sara. And not...not because of Emy. I just never realized it before. I never thought about it, about you, like that. I was so unaware of how much I love you, but I see now. I see what I've done to you and I see what you do to me."

I kiss her shoulder again, but this time I linger there for a moment. Her hand finds mine wrapped around her stomach and laces our fingers together. She lifts our hands and at first I'm convinced she's going to throw me over the side of the bed. When her lips brush lightly over the back of my hand, I let out a breath of air that wisps a strand of Sara's hair. I let my head fall into the pillows and curl my body even closer to Sara's until we're spooning the same way we had in the hotel room. Though, this time I can't hold back the smile that etches onto my face. With Sara tracing figure eights on my knuckles, I drift off to sleep and secretly wish Lindsey wasn't on my mind at the same time.


	18. Hop A Plane

The sound of my cell phone rattling against the wooden side table wakes me up from sleep. Careful not to wake Sara, I wiggle my hand loose from her weak grasp and reach for my phone. Judging from the gentle rays of sunlight coming in through the curtains of the window, it must be close to mid-day. My Blackberry claims it's 12:40. I view the new text message that roused me from my slumber.

_From: Lindsey Byrnes_

_Of course, baby. Can you pick me up from the airport when the plane lands? It should be an hour or so and I don't know how to get to Sara's from there._

I type my reply quickly.

_I'll have to ask Sara to get you. I can't walk for another couple of months and she has to take you somewhere before you get here, anyway._

I slide my legs over the side of the bed and the casts hit the floor with a thud. When I press send, I put my phone down on my lap and rub the sleep from my eyes.

It's going to be a long day.

I turn around to Sara. I wish I didn't have to bother her while she looks so tranquil. It seems like I've been causing her trouble more and more now. I hate feeling like I'm only making things worse by staying here. But I can't leave. I don't want to.

"Sara... Sara, wake up." I nudge her shoulder and she stirs.

"Yeah?" Her tiny voice is muffled by her pillow and she curls her legs up to her chest, extending her arms and stretching them before yawning. Could she get any cuter? She's like a kitten that's just woken up from a ten hour nap. My instinct tells me to reach over and run a hand through her hair. If she were a kitten, I don't think I'd ever put her down. A part of me says I sound like an old crazy cat lady imagining her sister as an infant animal. Still, I lean over to Sara and tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear. She looks up at me and gives an exhausted grin.

"Hey, sleepyhead." My phone vibrates again and I remove my hand from Sara. "Feel like picking up LB for me?" Sara groans and sits up. "How long do I have?" She scratches her cheek and rubs her face with her hands. "Uh, an hour. You should probably shower." Sara nods and starts to get out of bed. "Wait, how am I going to get there? If I have to ride in another taxi, I swear,"

"It's only to get to the airport. I'll tell her as a part of my favor to rent a car. The airport should have a place where you can do that, right?"

She cocks an eyebrow and steps halfway out of bed. "Right. Tegan, are you sure she won't try to pry?"

"I know she won't, she trusts me."

Sara gives me a look that says "Yeah, right." and finally leaves the bed and goes to the bathroom.

After Sara's ready, she fixes me a bowl of Ramen noodles, the only edible food in her apartment that isn't coffee beans or stale pretzels.

"I'll have her stop for groceries on our way back. Sorry, I just haven't been here in a while with tour and everything." Sara muses and picks up her phone. "Text me if you need anything." She stops at the front door as I finish my lunch on the couch, resting my legs on the coffee table before me. "Oh, and uh, last night did you um..." I look over to her with a questioning leer. "What?" With a hand on the door knob, Sara stutters and bites her lip. "Did I what?" I push her to finish her sentence.

"Did you mean it, what you said?"

I put my bowl down on the table and contemplate Sara's anxious demeanor. She still doesn't believe me.

Somehow, I've got to convince her I'm not faking the ardor I feel.

"Every syllable."

Sara assesses my words and opens the door. "Not when Lindsey is here."

With that, she walks out the door and lets it close behind her.

SARA

The cab takes me to the airport and I wander through the bustling people to find the terminal that will unite me with my sister's girlfriend. I've been to this place countless times and it still feels new to me. They all look the same, sound the same, and even smell the same.

My phone vibrates and it's Tegan telling me that Lindsey should already be off the plane. I look around for a sign of her. I'm about to text Tegan back when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn in that direction, but I don't see anyone. I hear someone chuckle beside me and turn the other way.

"I gotcha!" Lindsey beams at me, impressed by her own slyness. I give her a gummy smile despite the urge to show my annoyance. "Hey, Sara! I'm so glad you're okay. Come're." Lindsey lets go of her suitcase on the floor and pulls me into a quick embrace. "So, where is that car rental place Tegan was talking about?"

We find the dealership and decide on a small Sedan recommended by Tegan. It's cheap enough and Lindsey declines my offer to help pay for the rental. We stop at a food center and fill a cart with enough coffee, Nutella, and mozzarella sticks to last us a couple of weeks. On the drive home, I get another text from Tegan.

_Sleeping arrangements?_

Knowing that in order to keep everything a secret from Lindsey, I have to make some sacrifices for my own good.

_You and LB can take my room. I'll be fine on the couch. Better lighting for reading, anyway. _

Even if it keeps me from sleep.

_We won't do anything, I promise. _

We arrive at my apartment in the late afternoon. Lindsey parks the Sedan on the curb and starts unloading the bags of groceries.

_I'll miss you._

We won't be able to show any affection. We have to make it appear to Lindsey like nothing has ever happened between us.

I get out of the car and help Lindsey carry the bags into my apartment. Tegan's still on the couch when we walk in. She's on her laptop, typing away an update for our band's website and watching YouTube videos. Lindsey puts the groceries away in the kitchen and goes to sit next to Tegan. She kisses her on the cheek and Tegan turns to face her, proceeding to kiss her full on the lips. I watch this from the kitchen, putting away the remaining food into the refrigerator. My heart grows tired of beating and I'm temporarily hollow. I want to jump in between them, separate their faces. I want to be Lindsey's lips and kiss her girlfriend like I haven't seen her in months.

But I don't. Instead, I organize the bottles of water into neat rows and make another pot of coffee. The smell calms me and promises an excuse to keep quiet. Lindsey is watching videos of 'Ninja Cat's' and teacup pigs when I settle into the loveseat next to them. I turn on the television to drown out their laughter.

When they've finished guffawing over a video of a sleeping panda, Tegan closes her computer. Lindsey gets up from the couch and heads for the kitchen before asking if anyone wants something to eat.

"I could make some pasta."

Tegan nods her head. "That sounds really good, actually."

I sip at my second cup of coffee and agree. "Yeah, I think I put the sauce in the pantry."

Lindsey cooks us dinner as we watch a marathon of The Office. By the time we're finished eating, Lindsey is nodding off on Tegan's shoulder and it's almost eleven at night.

"Well, I think it's time for bed, LB." Tegan rouses Lindsey and takes her feet off of the table. I stand up and stretch my limbs. Lindsey and I help Tegan get to the bedroom, holding her up by her arms. I wrap my arm around Tegan's waist and Lindsey does the same. I want to swat her hand away when it interferes with mine. It almost feels like a contest between us to see who can take better care of Tegan. Once we set Tegan down on the bed, I'm ready to leave the room, but Tegan grabs my wrist to stop me. Lindsey goes to the bathroom to relieve herself and I'm left alone with Tegan. The television is loud enough that even I can barely hear what Tegan says to me.

"Goodnight, Sasa. I love you."

The bathroom door opens and I pull my hand away from Tegan's quickly and leave the room. I close the door behind me and go to clean up the mess made in the living room. I wash the dishes and clean out the coffee maker. When everything is in its rightful place, I turn down the television, but don't turn it off. With only a lamp providing light, I open up Independence Day and finish the remaining seventeen chapters. By the time I decide to try and sleep, it's two in the morning. I leave the TV on, afraid to be left alone without something else to listen to other than my conscience.


	19. Soil, Soil

I drag myself out of bed at noon. In order to take a shower, I have to wrap my casts in plastic bags. I find some are already on the countertop by the sink and imagine Sara must have left them, knowing I'd need them. I smile to myself, noting the small, but courteous, effort made by Sara. I slip the bags over my legs and make sure they're waterproof. I take a shower, letting Lindsey sleep while I'm in the bathroom. When I'm finished, Lindsey is awake and waiting for me, still tangled in the sheets. She peers up at me from her pillow and grins.

"Sleep alright?"

I lean against the frame of the bathroom door and nod, relaying a smile and crossing my arms. "Yeah. You were in my dream," I lie. "We got married by the beach."

Lindsey's grin turns into a wide smile and she sits up in bed, waving a hand for me to join her. I oblige and make the short distance from bathroom to bed in careful maneuvers. I force myself to ignore how obtuse I feel with the casts on my legs making it particularly difficult to appear graceful. I settle on my knees at the edge of the bed and Lindsey takes my face in her hands, locking our eyes together.

"I'd trade every picture I've ever taken, every camera, every shutter... to be with you for the rest of my life." Lindsey whispers and I lean into her. Our lips collide in a sudden fleet of emotion. My jaw goes slack and Lindsey's tongue flicks between my teeth. Her hands grip my face and one finds its way to the back of my neck, pulling us even closer together. Our tongues meet and Lindsey's hands run through my hair, sending a shiver through my body and punctuating itself between my legs. I'm lost in the kiss when the door opens and I open my eyes to see Sara's temporary figure quickly shut it again. Lindsey stops and separates our mouths to glance at the door already closed. She turns back to me, a question forming on her swollen lips. I shake my head and reach for her hands, taking them away from my face and holding them in her lap. "It's just Sara. She probably needs to get into the bathroom." I look down at our hands resting against Lindsey's crossed legs.

"We'll finish this later, then?"

I peek up at Lindsey. Not knowing what to say, I lean in again and press a soft kiss to the side of her mouth before sliding out of the bed, gesturing her to do the same. She helps me to the door and we join Sara in the living room.

When we sit down on the loveseat, Sara immediately gets up and goes to her bedroom.

Lindsey starts making lunch when Sara returns.

"I was thinking maybe we could get this over with." Sara says to me, not bothering to whisper. I check to see if Lindsey is paying us any attention. She's busy slicing a loaf of bread, but I turn the volume of the television up anyway.

"What, Lindsey?" I ask, deliberately keeping my voice down. "She's supposed to be helping us."

"No, not Lindsey. I meant the body. Let's just do it today. Get it over with."

I study Sara's face. "I can barely get around here, how am I supposed to help you carry it and everything?"

"I'll do it. You can distract Lindsey while I bury it. Just keep her talking or something." Sara opens her mouth to say something else, but she clamps it shut.

"Or what?" I pry.

Sara turns away from me and pretends to be interested in the TV when Lindsey walks out of the kitchen and holds out two plates. "I made sandwiches. Hope that's okay?" Sara takes her plate and thanks Lindsey. "No cheese, no tomatoes, and extra pickles." Lindsey hands me my plate.

"Wow, LB. I didn't know you were so good at cooking." Sara takes another bite.

"Aw, thanks, Sar." Lindsey beams and settles down next to me, taking a bite out of her own sandwich.

I can't help but feel a growing sense of false acceptance from Sara for Lindsey. I understand it hurts Sara to see me seem so happy without her, but there's a faint air of jealousy that surrounds her. Her complement isn't as genuine as I know Sara meant it to sound.

After lunch, Sara turns down the television and speaks up again. "Do you guys want to go out for a drive?" The expression on her face says casual, but I know better. Lindsey shrugs, "Sure. Where to?"

"How about for some coffee?"

Before I can say 'you've got coffee here.' Sara reads my mind and gets up from the couch. "They sell some that isn't sold in stores at the cafe a few blocks away. You'll see why it's worth the extra two dollars. How about it?" Lindsey turns to me and shrugs a second time. "I don't mind. Come on, Tee." She stands up and reaches for my arms. I let her help me get to my feet and walk me to the front door. Sara already has her shoes on, apparently having planned to leave in advance. Lindsey slips on her own and grabs her keys and phone before we leave Sara's apartment with me in my wheelchair and Lindsey pushing me along to the Sedan.

"Can we make a pit-stop first?" Sara asks on our way to the cafe. From the backseat, I watch Lindsey turn slightly to Sara at a red light.

"Where to?"

"Oh, just down this road here." Sara points toward a street sign and looks back at Lindsey for approval.

"Yeah, okay." Lindsey chirps and the light turns green.

When we arrive at the storage facility, Sara asks us to wait as she hops out of the car.

"I'll be a few minutes. So, just, I don't know. Listen to music or something." She closes the door and Lindsey nods politely.

When Sara turns out of sight behind a building, Lindsey turns around to me.

"She'll be a while, won't she?"

I shrug. "No clue."

Lindsey raises her chin to the right and unbuckles her seatbelt. She takes the key out of the engine and opens her door before getting out of the car and closing it again. For a moment, I panic, expecting her to run after Sara and discover what she's doing at this very moment. By the time Lindsey opens the door across from me, I'm utterly confused.

"What are you doing?" I sputter when Lindsey shuts the car door and scoots closer to me across the backseat. She takes my face in her hands like she had this morning.

"Where were we?" She asks, daring me to do anything but kiss her back when she fills the space between us and our lips meet. I close my eyes on instinct and focus on breathing through my nose as Lindsey's tongue invades my mouth. She licks away inside my mouth, hungrily exploring every inch with her tongue. My right hand ends up on her forearm and my left is clutching the handle of the car door. What if Sara comes back too soon and sees us again? All thoughts are erased from my mind when Lindsey deepens the kiss even more and I'm gripping her arm tighter.

My breathing is getting ragged and soon Lindsey lifts a leg over my waist until she's straddling me. With one hand still attached to the door, I slide my other down over her arm and hold her waist to keep her steady on my lap. I can't keep up with the pace she's going at. My mind is fighting to stay aware of the possibility of being caught by Sara again. When Lindsey begins to grind her hips into me, I know I have to stop this. I manage to pull away from the kiss as Lindsey is circling her hips, but she doesn't quit. Her hands let go of my face and land on my shoulders. I drop my head to my chest to hide my grimace as Lindsey tilts hers back, letting a choked moan escape from her lips.

_What the fuck is happening? Why is she being so upfront? Doesn't she know how risky this is?_

_She must have really missed me on tour._

"Linds- oh god." She's getting faster, the fabric of our jeans rubbing together with more friction. "Wait, wait. Lindsey, w-wait," It's getting harder to form words and the feeling between my legs isn't making it any easier to slow things down. Lindsey's hands start to slide down to my chest. In a panic, I catch her wrists and bring them to her side. She stops moving and I look up at her.

"We've got to stop. Sara's going to be back soon. Let's just," I let go of her and she lifts her leg back over, sitting down next to me and watches my face. "Wait, okay?" I peer into her eyes. Unable to find any traces of hurt or bitterness, I run my fingers down the side of her face and she gives me a small smile. "Okay."

Lindsey returns to the front seat and turns the car back on, playing music from her iPod as we wait for Sara. It's almost twenty minutes before she comes back around from the building and taps on Lindsey's window to roll it down.

"Can you pop the trunk?" She asks, out of breath. She catches my eye when Lindsey bends down to pull the lever that opens the back of the Sedan. She gives me an assured look and a thumbs up before going to the back of the car and lifting the trunk open. I reach up to the front where the stereo is and crank up the volume. Lindsey nods in approval when one of her favorite songs plays and quickly loses herself in the music. I try to join her and pretend to be enjoying the tunes, keeping an eye out for any signs of Sara after she disappears behind the building again.

SARA

My entire body feels like its shaking. I need to calm down, get myself together. I can do this.

I open the freezer a third time, closing my eyes as I lift the lid. The cool air hits me like iced daggers.

_I can do this._

I peak an eye open and the body bag is still the same as it had been a few minutes ago when I left to open the trunk of the car. I won't bother with taking a last look. Besides, it's not Emy anymore. It's just the shell she lived in. What I'm about to bury is no longer my ex-girlfriend. This is just a corpse.

_Breathe. Just pick it up, carry it to the car, and get this over with._

I close my eyes again and brace myself for my next move. I lift the lid up all the way until it can hold itself. After counting to ten several times, I finally open my eyes again and reach down. The body bag is cold. Everything is so cold. When my hands meet something stiff beneath the plastic, I gasp and retract my hands.

_Just get this over with._

Clenching my teeth, I reach down again and quickly lift the body completely out of the freezer. My fingers go numb from the cold and I'm thankful for the lack of stench. Using the trolley provided by the storage facility, I push Emy's body to the Sedan, taking the longer way so I won't be seen by Lindsey. When I get to the car, loud 80's music is blasting and Tegan is fist pumping with Lindsey. In no mood to find their antics amusing, I quietly lift one side of the body bag into the back of the car, following it with the other until it's fully inside. Feeling accomplished that I Tegan and Lindsey haven't discovered my return; I turn on my heel and race back to pod 27. After closing the lid of the freezer and putting the trolley back in its place, I make my way around the building I had come from the first time.

I turn the corner and try to act as casual as I can. Tegan and Lindsey are still listening to music in the car, though not as intensely as before. When Tegan sees me, she gives me thumbs up behind Lindsey. I return it and Lindsey waves at me, mistaking my gesture to Tegan as a greeting. I go to the back of the car and close the trunk before climbing back inside of the passenger seat.

"Okay, let's go." I say in a sing-song voice, masking my worry.

We make it to the cafe in ten minutes and park near the back. Lindsey gets out of the car and helps Tegan into her wheelchair. I stay in the passenger seat and wait for Lindsey to wonder what I'm up to.

"You guys go on in, order something to eat. I'm going to check out the art store I saw across the street." I try to look as eager as possible, knowing Tegan can see through my artificial smile.

Lindsey seems to buy it, though, and that's good enough for me.

"Alright, don't be too long!" She turns Tegan around in her wheelchair and they head into the cafe, leaving me in the car to decipher my next move.

I take a deep breath before popping the trunk and opening the door, slamming it shut behind me and jogging to the back of the car. I lift the lid, swiftly grabbing the shovel hidden under a duffel bag and shutting it again.

Thank god it's getting dark. I can't believe how long I spent in that storage facility. It's nearing dusk and the sun is already lowering behind brick buildings and trees.

I run as fast as my asthmatic lungs will allow until I make it to my destination.

This is the place. This is it. Right here by the wooden bench of this park, where I met Emy for the first time. I'd been sitting, watching elderly couples walk their dogs and sipping at my cup of coffee, keeping to myself. Then I saw her. She was walking towards me, hands stuffed into her coat pockets. She didn't see me start to stand, too distracted from following the path of the sidewalk with her head down. I felt like I had to talk to her. At least get her long enough to invite her for coffee. She'd walked right past me when I'd said hello. She didn't even appear to hear me.

I look around and catch a glimpse of the bench. There's an envelope taped to the seat. What is it with all of these envelopes?

I pick it up, anyway. Of course, my name is printed just like the other one had been on the front. I rest the shovel against the bench and tear open the seal.

_Kaki marks the spot._

Confused, I look around for any other notes left for me. I scan the bench, and then study the area around me. Finding nothing, I stare at the slip of paper again.

Kaki marks the spot?

The only Kaki I know is Kaki King. If she marks the spot, then where is she? Where is the spot?

I look around again, frantically darting my eyes left to right, searching. It's getting darker, harder for me to see past the dense trees. I need to get started before it gets too dark and I can't see my feet beneath me. Where is Kaki?

I pick up the shovel and tuck the paper in my back pocket.

"Sorry I'm late."

I jump at the voice and spin around, almost falling over the bench.

"Who are you?" I point the shovel at the approaching figure as I watch the outline of their head shakes no.

"Fucking tell me or I'll,"

"Slow down, Sara. It's me, Kaki." She stops in front of me and takes the shovel out of my hands. I let her, feeling paralyzed from shock and fright. She leads me to the bench and sits me down before joining me and resting the shovel on her lap. I can't seem to form words and she says what I'm wondering for me. "I'm here to help you bury Emy." She looks at me and lets a smile creep onto her features. "We shouldn't waste any more time, though. Sorry again for being late." Kaki stands up and holds her hand out for me, holding onto the shovel with her other. I don't know what else to do but take her hand and let her assist me back to the Sedan. I help her carry the body bag to the park bench and by the time she's started digging, it's already dark.

I watch Kaki dig deeper into the soil. She works quickly, faster than I imagine I would have. The muscles in her arms flex when she pulls each chunk of dirt from the ground.

My cell phone vibrates in my pocket and I know it's Tegan before I view the message.

_Where are you? We've been waiting for almost an hour. Are you okay?_

I look over to Kaki, who is beginning to sweat as she nears the third foot of the grave.

_I'm fine. Kaki's here. She's helping. Don't leave yet, we're close to done._

When I send the text, Kaki is watching me.

"Who are you texting?"

I put my phone back into my pocket and shrug. "Just Tegan."

She gives me a dirty look and I'm astonished at how hurt I am. "Why can't I text Tegan?" I ask defensively. Kaki starts digging again and ignores my question. I cross my arms and shift my feet.

_This will be over soon. God, I hope so._

My phone buzzes in my pocket and I pull it out to see Tegan's reply. Kaki drops the shovel beside the grave and stomps over to me before I can stop her from tearing the phone out of my hands.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

Kaki turns my phone off and puts it in her back pocket. "You can finish the rest of the digging." She walks away from me and picks up the shovel, returning only to shove it in my hands. "Hurry up, it's getting late."

When I don't move, she looks at me like I can't understand what she's said. "What the fuck are you waiting for? Go!" She pushes me by the shoulders toward the unfinished grave and I almost stumble over my own feet. Anger courses through my veins and I turn around, gripping the shovel until my knuckles brush white.

"What the fuck?" I finally find my voice and instantly regret doing so.

Kaki's eyes sear through me and the look on her face is more terrifying than I've ever seen it. She stomps up to me and I flinch when I feel cool metal hit the skin of my abdomen. Her free hand grasps the shovel held tightly in mine, keeping me from defending myself against her. I hear the gun click between our bodies and I stop breathing for a moment.

"You fucking did this to yourself. She wouldn't have pulled the motherfucking trigger if not for you and your sick, fucked up mind. I don't even want to touch you." Kaki spits. "You're disgusting, wanting to fuck your own sister. Is it really worth it, bitch? Emy's dead because of you. She's fucking dead!" She screams in my face and I feel myself on the verge of tears. She doesn't even need the gun. Her words are bullets in my gut as she speaks. I don't dare look away from her. Through gritted teeth, she continues. "I don't know why I agreed to this. I knew she'd end up killing herself. I could have saved her. I could have fucking stopped her. You're supposed to be the one in that body bag!" Kaki presses the gun even further into my gut and I suck in air to provide some kind of distance. I can tell she's crying now. Behind the mask of darkness, I know her cheeks are anything but dry. "That should be your grave I'm digging, cunt!" It comes out as a sob and she lets go of the shovel.

"I'm so, so sorry." I whisper.

My words seem to fuel Kaki's fire even more and she shakes her head violently. "No, no! I'm fucking sorry." She retracts the gun and I can breathe again. "I'm sorry for not putting a goddamn bullet in your gut before Emy did herself."

Kaki pushes me with all of her strength, knocking me off my feet. My head hits the hard ground and bounces off from the force. I try to pick myself up off the ground, but Kaki's foot slams down onto my arm. I let go of the shovel and shriek in agony. Kaki bends down and holds my flailing limbs so I can't get up. She holds my wrists together and drops the gun beside her, reaching back with her free hand and pulling out a black ski mask from her pocket. She's not even looking directly at me as she bunches it up and holds it close to my mouth before shoving as much of it in as possible.

"No! N-mmph!"


	20. Wrists

Kaki shoves the beanie further into my mouth, forcing me to breathe through my nose. When she's sure I won't be able to spit it out, she holds my wrists together with both hands. Her grip is ruthless, fingernails digging deeper and deeper into my skin as she locks my hands together. I try to squirm, shake my head, anything to escape. It's pointless. She's got higher ground and a stronger arm. Her knees dip down until they're pushing against my stomach. I can't see her face through the dark anymore and the tears in my eyes have made it that much harder to find sight. I scream into the suffocating cotton when Kaki lets all of her weight down onto my abdomen. I feel my face burning as I fight back, growing weaker with every second passing.

"Fucking hurts, doesn't it?" Kaki spits. Her knees push me further into the ground, threatening to crush my organs. Her nails break the skin of my wrists and I scream in agony. Maybe someone will hear me. It's no use, the makeshift gag muffles any sound I make from reaching helpful ears. Knowing this, the tears in my eyes come faster. I'm practically blind behind the blurry walls in my eyes and the empty darkness sinking through the trees of the park.

Suddenly, Kaki lets up and lets go of my arms. She stands and stumbles to the park bench. I clutch my belly, but I don't dare try to remove the beanie from my mouth. Kaki lifts the body bag and hauls it over to the hastily dug grave. With a grunt, she drops it into the hole in the ground. She ignores me and grabs the shovel, gripping it and sinking it into the mound of soil. She shovels the dirt into the grave. I remain on the ground, afraid of what might happen if I chose to do otherwise. She still has my phone in her pocket. There's no chance of alerting Tegan.

Kaki pats the earth down until it's smooth. She stomps on the soil, making sure it blends with the treaded ground. I blink away the tears to see her holding a ball of light in her hands after she drops the shovel. In the blackness, the light coming from my cell phone looks all the brighter. I can see Kaki's face illuminated from it. Her cheeks are smeared with sweat and dirt. Her eyes are almost auburn. She looks over at my writhing body and catches me watching her. I whine and bite down on the thick cotton of the beanie. Kaki chucks my phone at me and it hits me in the right eye. I yelp and hold my face in my hands, curling into a ball on the dirty ground. The tears are back again and my head throbs in pain. My phone falls in front of me, within my reach. I quickly retrieve it and hold it close to me, afraid Kaki might come back to get it. I'm worried over nothing, because when I look back up, she's already started making her way out of the park. I lay there for quite a while, pressing my knuckles into my throbbing head and gently rocking my body back and forth on the ground. When the pain in my skull becomes bearable, I take the beanie roughly of my mouth and spit out the taste. I crawl to the park bench and find that Kaki left the shovel. I sit on the bench and my head spins as I attend to my phone.

I text Tegan with shaky hands. I use the light of the screen to examine the damage done. My fingernails are caked with dirt and my clothes are filthy. I find traces of fresh blood along my fingertips and on my wrists where Kaki's nails dug into my skin.

Tegan replies fast, almost a minute after I'd informed her that I needed her and Lindsey to come to the park near the cafe.

TEGAN

We make it to the park and Lindsey tells me not to get out of the car. In my haste, I object and open my door, but she quickly closes it.

"I'll go get her, Tegan. Just wait here. I won't be long." Lindsey kisses me through the open window of the car door.

"Just hurry."

Lindsey runs toward the park and leaves me in the car. I text Sara in the meantime.

_Are you okay? What happened?_

I knew I should have gone with her to help. What if Lindsey see's the grave? I hope the darkness can be enough to hide it. As long as Sara doesn't let anything slip, we'll be fine.

_Kaki was helping me bury it, but she just flipped out on me. She's one of the people that helped Emy kidnap us. I have the ski mask to prove it._

Shock rips through me and I realize the extremity of what's happened.

_I can't believe it. Kaki would never do something like that. Are you sure it was her?_

_I'm sure. Her voice, her nails, I'd know them anywhere._

_Her nails?_

_Yeah, she dug them pretty deep into my arms. Lindsey's here. We'll be there soon._

SARA

The square of light floating through the darkness lets me know that Lindsey is here. I stand up, ready to leave this dreaded place. I shine my phone's light towards her and see that she's gone straight for the grave. I panic on instinct. What if she realizes what it is? And the shovel! I make my way over to her and she stops in front of the grave. I grab her by the arm.

"Let's go, let's get out of here."

Lindsey looks at me and concern floods her features.

"Holy shit, what happened?" She ignores the grave and I sigh.

"Someone tried to mug me on my way from the art store." I lie easily.

Lindsey uses her phone to shine light and take a look at me. "Oh my god, Sara. Come on, we need to get you some ice for your eye. And your hands..." Lindsey traces the scars made by Kaki's nails and shakes her head.

I follow Lindsey's lead by holding onto her arm as we make our way out of the park. The Sedan is waiting for us. Tegan looks at me from the car and seems to be dishevelled. I take the ski mask out of my back pocket that I had stashed there before Lindsey came to get me. I hold it up behind Lindsey's back as we got closer to the car. Tegan's eyes widen as we come closer, no doubt seeing the state that I'm in.

Lindsey opens the door for me and I climb in, closing the door and handing Tegan the beanie. Tegan turns in her seat to look at me, switching the overhead light on. Lindsey gets into the car and starts it up.

"Who's the asshole that would try to mug a five foot two woman at an art store?" Lindsey scoffs and begins driving us back to my apartment. Tegan shakes her head and turns back around in her seat. "I don't know," Tegan mutters "but whoever they are is going to fucking pay for messing with my sister."

I'm just relieved that it's over with. Hopefully the grave is hidden well enough that a dog or a curious child won't try to dig it up. I know as well as Tegan that we won't be seeing Kaki for a while after tonight. She's done her duty to Emy, it seems. I wasn't aware that Kaki and Emy were so close. They've met before, at the Portland house when I was recording The Con with Tegan. Kaki agreed to play on a few songs and Emy was our art director. That was when we were still together, but when my feelings for Tegan arose.

Tegan was silent on our way back home. Lindsey voiced her opinion of the supposed "asshole" that mugged me every now and then. When we arrive, Lindsey helps Tegan into her wheelchair and I hold the front door of my apartment open for them. In my room, revealed under the artificial light of lamps, I get a better look of the result of Kaki's rage. My wrists would need bandages and I'd have a black eye in the morning. Lindsey calls from the living room asking if I want anything to eat and I decline politely. Food is the last thing I want right now. I strip of my clothes and take a cool shower, washing away the dirt and sweat. The water stings my wounds, but I ignore the pain, knowing it's for my own good. When I'm done showering, I dry myself off and get dressed in my night clothes. I wrap gauze around my wrists and attend to my swollen eye.

_I deserve this._

Finding no false truths in my thoughts, I leave the bathroom. Lindsey is waiting for me by the door. "You should sleep in here tonight. Tegan and I can take the couch."

"LB,"

"Sara, it's fine."

Lindsey leaves the room before I can say anymore of the subject. I get into bed, lying on my back and resting my hands on my stomach. I wince and lift up my loose t-shirt. Large bruises cover the usually smooth, pale skin of my abdomen.

_I deserve this, too._

Luckily, I fall asleep easily, spared from troubled thoughts formed throughout the day.

TEGAN

I flip the ski mask over and over in my hands as Lindsey heats up a frozen pizza. It's still got some dirt on it. I wipe it off and it falls into a collective pile on my jeans. The TV is on and Sara is most likely asleep in her room. Tonight, Lindsey and I are sleeping in the living room. I suggested that we do so, since Sara would be much more comfortable in her own bed. Lindsey comes to sit next to me on the sofa and places the plate of pizza on her lap. She'd cut it in half for us to share. She digs into hers and I mine. I stuff the ski mask under my thigh and wipe the dirt from my lap before taking a bite of my half of the pizza. Despite the events of today, my stomach is rather empty and I actually find myself wanting to eat. Some people, like Sara, are repulsed by food when they're overcome with anxiety. Others, like myself, would be happy to do nothing but eat and take our minds off of what's bothering us with the comfort of food.

Lindsey finishes her slice and aims her attention at the television.

I, on the other hand, do my best to ignore the TV. Instead, I put the plate on the coffee table and opt for my laptop. I open a file on my computer labeled "Contact Info" and search for Kaki's name. I always keep people's phone numbers, email addresses and street addresses in case I ever need to contact them or send something in the mail. When I find what I'm looking for, I use MapQuest to find a route and send the information to my phone. I know I won't be able to act now, but once these casts are off and I can walk on my own, I'm going to pay Kaki a little visit. I know just what to do to get Lindsey to help me some. I just need to be patient and work out a good plan is all.

Lindsey yawns and gets up from the couch. She takes the plate and drops it off in the kitchen sink before turning off the lights and settling back down next to me.

"You ready to sleep, baby?"

I close my laptop and smile at her. I'm so glad she's here to help. She's been so generous lately, almost like she wants to make up for something. Forgiving her wild attempts to get somewhere further than kissing with Sara around, I lean in and brush my lips with hers. She doesn't try to lead it anywhere past that, and I'm grateful. I pull my legs up and rest them along the couch, and Lindsey lies down next to me with the space left. I wrap my arms around her and she reaches for the channel changer, turning the TV off. Darkness replaces the light once coming from the television and Lindsey puts her head down on my chest.

"Goodnight, LB. I love you." I whisper.

"I love you, too, Teegs."


	21. I Hear Noises

FOUR MONTHS LATER

Lately, my days have consisted of Lindsey cooking the most amazing food I've had since Sara and I went to India. Only now I'm not convulsing over the rim of a toilet seat from delhi belly.

I no longer have to be carted around in a wheelchair. My casts are off, but I have to depend on crutches to get around Sara's apartment, which I rarely ever leave. Sara's hands have healed up and the bruise on her eye is gone, but she's left with a scar. A small reminder of why I've been staying up late after Lindsey has fallen asleep. Tonight, I've slipped out from the confines of the sheets of Sara's oversized bed. I left my laptop in the living room. I try to be as quiet as possible as I manuever a crutch under an arm across the carpeted floor. It's dark and I make my way over to the coffee table, where my computer rests. Sara is curled up on the couch, a blanket loosely covers her small frame. I pick up my laptop, tuck it under my free arm and start to turn and return to Lindsey. I stop when I hear my name. Or at least, when I think I hear it. I'm not sure if I'm just hallucinating from sleep deprivation until I hear it again, louder now.

"Tegan."

My ears perk up and I look around the room, still unsure if I'm simply hearing things that aren't there.

"Teeegan."

My head whips around on instinct towards Sara's sleeping figure.

Did she just moan my name?

"Tee..."

My face flushes and my ears grow warm. She's dreaming about me? Oh god. Should I wake her up? I can't really see anything through the thick paste of night that seems to stick to my skin. I notice my hands are growing sweaty and my laptop almost slips out of my grasp. Can Lindsey hear it, too? She's probably still asleep. I hope so.

Sara whimpers and for a second I'm convinced she's awake. When she doesn't move after a few seconds, I decide to make mine. Slowly, I find the loveseat next to the couch Sara is slumbering on and lean the single crutch against the arm before I settle into the cusions. I keep my ears open for the sound of Sara as I flip open my computer and go to work on my plan. I'm almost done with it, I just need a way to convince Sara to leave Montreal for a few days. If she's here, it'll ruin everything. I have to find a way to get her out of here before I make my first move.

It's been about half an hour since Sara let my name slip past her lips. I'm strategizing, completing tweaks and finding loop holes in my plan when I hear it again.

"Tegan, please."

My eyes dart to the sleeping Sara, her face is illuminated by the light coming from my laptop. Her eyes aren't open. That's good. She's still dreaming, then. I stare at her, waiting to catch her whispering my name again.

"Tegan?"

I jump in my seat. Lindsey is standing in the doorway of Sara's room, a hand in her hair, apparently just waking up. She doesn't seem to notice my fright. I don't want to wake Sara, so I whisper in Lindsey's direction.

"Hey, I'm just checking my email. Go back to sleep, alright, babe?"

Lindsey stays in the doorway, obviously torn between joining me and going back to bed. She rubs her face in her hands and shakes her head.

"At three in the morning?" She croaks.

"Yeah, important business stuff is all. Go back to bed." I really don't want to deal with Lindsey right now. Not when Sara is so close to moaning my name out loud in front of her. What if she did? Lindsey probably wouldn't remember. She's half asleep, anyway.

Still, I'm afraid of the possibilities.

I close my laptop and put it on the coffee table. Lindsey watches me grab my crutch and hop over to her by the door. She looks up at me with hooded eyes filled with drowsiness. A weak smile plays at her lips and I lean in to kiss them with my own.

Reluctantly, I join Lindsey and return to bed. She falls asleep against me, but my mind is wide awake. I want to go back into the living room. I want to finish planning. I want to listen to Sara calling out to me while she dreams. But I stay here, lying in between her sheets. This bed doesn't even smell like Sara anymore. All I can smell Lindsey's light perfume. All I can feel is her warm, unconscious body rising and falling against my own. All I can hear is Sara whimpering again.

Again?

"Please! St-stop."

Is she having a nightmare? I want to go comfort her, but Lindsey is like an anchor in this sea of sheets. I feel like I'm drowning.

I can't breathe.

SARA

Kaki's fingers tighten around my throat. I want to scream, but I can't make any sound with my windpipe being closed up like a deadbolt.

I can't breathe.

I try to inhale. No luck. I wheeze, desperate for some kind of relief. Kaki doesn't let up. Her eyes burn auburn again. Much like that night near the grave, so close to where Emy is. I feared I was going to join her in that grave. But here we are again. On the ground, next to the hole in the ground with Kaki's hands taking me to that place, six feet further away from where I want to be. I don't want to be with Emy anymore. Not now, not like this.

I find my voice, amazingly, despite my being suffocated.

"Tegan! Please."

Kaki turns her nails in towards her palm. They dig deep into my neck. Six feet deep into my throat.

"Tegan can't help you now. Your lungs are mine."

I want to cry, I really do. But I can't. Instead, the tears come out of my mouth. Only they're not tears. I cough at the feeling of the thick, warm liquid trickling up and out of my throat. Spurts of red pepper Kaki's face. Some gets into her eyes and she screams, releasing me from her death grip. Kaki reaches up to wipe the blood from her eyes, only to make matters worse. Her hands are drenched in carnage. Before she can wipe them, I start to get up from the ground. Only, rather than going up, I go down.

I'm falling. Terribly far. Too far. When will I hit solid ground?

Six more feet and my back meets with cool surface.

I can finally breathe.

Only until the soil begins to fill in the space around me. First, my legs, my arms. I try to wipe it off of me, but it only comes faster. Beating down on me, shrouding me in indecency. Now I can't see. It's in my eyes. It's in my mouth. My screams are muffled. My heart slows. My pulse shakes in my veins.

I can't breathe.

"TEGAN!"

I can't breathe.

I need air. I need air. I can't breathe.

Where is my puffer?

I can't breathe.

Cool plastic meets my lips, I accept it. I inhale. Medicated zephyr rushes through, reaches my lungs. Fills them.

I can breathe.

TEGAN

"Sara, Sara? Are you okay? Breathe, baby, it's okay. It's going to be okay. Just breathe."

I can't stop the tears. It's too late to try. Saras pale hand holds mine, with the inhaler slightly out of her gasping mouth. It shakes, quivers. I shake inside. I'm on my knees beside the couch that Sara's almost fallen out of. The foundations keeping me steady threaten to fall to pieces. Sara's hand is cold, frigid. It sends shivers through my spine, quaking every bone. I want to collapse beside her, but she'd fall right down after me. I need to hold us together before we fall apart.

Sara's pulse slows, almost goes steady. But I know she's far from calm at this point.

She wheezes, pushes my hand, along with the inhaler, away from her face.

"Tee," Wheeze. "Th-thank you." She exhales a long, ragged breath.

I wipe the tears from my eyes with my free hand. "Please, please, don't go back to sleep."

Sara turns her wide eyes to mine and silently swears with whatever will she has left, to keep them open. "Don't leave. Stay awake with me." She says it like a question and all I can do is nod.

Sara sits up and lets go of my hand. I place her inhaler on the coffee table behind me. I look to her bedroom to make sure Lindsey isn't hovering by the door again. She's not and I'm thankful. Sara scoots over and makes room for me to sit next to her. I pull myself up and lean back into the depths of the couch. I've never felt so relieved in my life.

"I'm sorry about that, by the way. Bad dream." Sara whispers, aware now of the time of night and the risk of waking Lindsey up. We both know that we'd rather not have her here, but we need her.

"I heard you saying my name, I thought you were in trouble." I whisper back.

"Did you? God, I really don't want to go back to sleep. It was just...terrible."

"What did you dream about?"

"Kaki. She was...choking me. She, uh, she buried me. Alive. I just couldn't breathe. It felt so real."

I watch as Sara runs her hands through her hair, tugging at the growing locks in frustration.

"It's okay, Sara. It was just a dream. She won't fuck with us again."

Sara looks over at me through outgrown bangs. "What?"

"I said she won't fuck with us again."

"Tegan..."

"No, I'm going to and you're not going to stop me." I know she can read right through me. She knows I've been planning revenge. I know she doesn't want me to do anything about Kaki. She knows she can't control me.

"Fuck, Tegan. I just want this to be over with."

I don't know what to say. I don't really want to say anything. And Sara lets me stay quiet. We sit there until the sun rises, just thinking. We don't have to say anything. I know what she's thinking and she knows what's on my mind. There really is no point in speaking. It'd only complicate things. I take this time to come up with a way to send Sara out of Montreal.

The morning light peaks through the parted blinds of the window in front of us. I watch dawn cast shadows on the walls. Sara still has her head in her hands when I speak for the first time in hours.

"I want you to leave."

Sara looks up from the ground and at me. She looks confused and... weary?

"You want me to leave?"

"Yeah. Just for a little bit."

"And you just expect me to go?" Sara almost laughs at the thought.

"Yes. In two months."

"Tegan, I'm not just going to up and leave because you want me to. This is my apartment."

"I'll pay for the hotel. I'll pay for everything. Don't worry about it right now. But just think of it as going on vacation for a week."

"A week? Look, Tegan-"

"No, you look, Sara. You know I'm going to do it regardless, it'll just be easier for both of us if you weren't around, okay?"

"You can't be serious. What are you going to do, anyway? You can't kill her, Tegan."

"I'm not, that's not what I was thinking. I'm just going to make sure she's not going to bother us anymore. Plus, I want to know who the other person is that helped Emy."

Sara shifts in her seat. She doesn't want to do it, but she will. I know she will, because she wants me to get revenge. She's too afraid of getting hurt again to do it herself. I'm more than willing, though.

"Are you sure it's going to work, whatever your plan is?"

"It will if you just do this for me, Sara. It's only a week, that's all I need."

There's a pause. She's hesitant, but I know she'll give in.

She wants me to find the other Shadow.

"Fine. But tell me what your plan is. I want to know what's going to go down when I'm gone. If you get hurt..."

She looks at me with her own hurt in her eyes, like she can already see what trouble I'll be in if I don't succeed. I grab my computer from the table in front of us and balance it on my lap. I open the word document and slide the computer onto her crossed knee. Sara reads it quickly and closes the screen when she's finished.

"You know, I think this could actually work."


	22. Living Room

SARA

I grab the last remaining suitcase and lift it into the back of the Sedan. Lindsey is already in the drivers seat, prepared to take me to the airport whenever I'm ready to go. I take my time as I head back into my apartment. Tegan is leaning over her laptop at the kitchen table. She looks up at me when I close the front and enter the room.

"You've got everything?" She asks as she closes the computer screen and gets up from her seat.

I stay where I am by the door. "Yeah. LB's waiting in the car."

I told Lindsey that I was leaving for a few days to help a friend produce a record in New York. In reality, I'll be spending a week hiding out in (thanks to Tegans wishes) a rather expensive hotel on Fifth Avenue.

Now that Tegan can walk on her own again, she uses any oppertunity she has to do just that. I can't count the many occasions she's gotten up to change the television channel, despite her having the remote in her hands.

She makes her way to me from the kitchen table in wide strides. Her hands land on my shoulders and her eyes find mine. I don't want to leave, but in order for this to work, I have to. Tegan is all too aware of this. I should be more worried about her plans after I'm gone than the possibility of Lindsey walking in on us as Tegan kisses me. I try to savor her taste, the way her lips feel against my own, and the touch of her hands when they roam the contours of my body. I clear my head and touch her back, ignoring the wet tears shared between us. Tegan doesn't slow down. Soon my back is pressed against the cool wood of the front door and my hands are tangled in her hair. Her own hands have been pulling at the hem of my loose shirt, begging for an O.K. to move further in their efforts to keep me here, even though they're the reason I'm leaving. Those fingertips typed out her plans to keep me here. Before I can stay, I have to go.

I tug Tegans hair back and pull her away from my lips. She's panting against my open mouth when I remember that I really should be going.

"I have to go." I whisper. Tegans cheeks are still damp with tears and I reach a hand down to wipe them away. She chokes back a sob and buries her face into my neck. Her arms wrap around my waist, holding me against her, unwilling to release me.

I inhale deeply before bringing her face up to mine. I run a hand through her hair. It's gotten so long.

"I love you, Tegan. A week." I brush my lips across hers. "I'll be back in a week."

She doesn't say anything, she simply watches me as I open the front door and close it shut to leave her standing there alone.

Lindsey is waiting for me when I get to the Sedan. I slide into the passenger seat quickly.

"Ready?" She asks brightly. I nod my head. I don't want to speak. I bet I could go this whole trip without speaking to anyone. It'll be like a weeks vacation away from the world.

TEGAN

I can still taste her and it's been nearly two hours. Lindsey dropped her off at the airport. That leaves the rest of my plan to complete. Kaki's in for it.

First, I have to take a shower. I've been huddled over my computer for ages reviewing my plan over and over, making sure I have everything I need. Lindsey sets herself on the couch and turns on the TV. I go to Saras room and undress before slipping under the hot water.

"Oh my god... This can't be real." I hear Lindsey say from the living room. "No, god no! Tegan!" I rinse my hair as fast as I can and grab a towel as I hop out of the bathroom. Lindsey sees me rush into the room and points to the television screen as she turns up the volume.

_"...Storey has been found dead this morning by a passerby and his dog at Parc La Fontaine. The body was found buried in a hastily dug grave. Investigators discovered a shovel that is said to have been used to do so. More information on this story is soon to come. Stay tuned..."_

I stand there in my towel, hair dripping water down my back and shoulders, stunned. How is this even possible? I thought Sara said it was taken care of. She said Kaki helped her...Kaki. It must have been her. She probably dug the grave shallow on purpose. And she left the shovel!

"Tegan, I can't believe it. Emy's dead, she's really dead. Oh my god..."

Lindsey looks over to me and sees that I haven't moved an inch. She gets up from the couch and comes towards me. I back away when she gets too close.

"I'm so sorry. Oh my god, Sara must be devastated. Does she know?" My eyes go wide and I frantically shake my head. It's most likely that Sara hasn't heard the news about Emy. She's probably just getting settled into her hotel room right now.

"Tegan... Tegan say something. Are you alright?" Lindsey touches my forearm and I flinch. "Come here." She pulls me into a tight hug. I feel suffocated, but I don't move.

There goes my perfect plan.

SARA

My cell phone buzzes in my pocket, but I don't rush to answer it. I_ am _on vacation, after all. Instead of viewing the new message, I power off my Blackberry and unzip my suitcase. As I unpack my books and clothes, I imagine that Tegan is beginning her efforts to get back at Kaki.

When I finish unpacking, I open up the book I'm reading and lie down on the plush comforter of the hotel bed.

This week is going to be a good one.

TEGAN

I go to get dressed while Lindsey tries to contact Sara.

"She's not replying." Lindsey says to me. "I'm going to let everyone know. Are you okay?"

I'm only half listening, I don't answer Lindseys question. She takes it another way and assumes I'm too sad to talk, instead I'm actually tuning her out. She leaves me alone anyway and starts dialing numbers on her phone as if she's calling the police for an emergency.

This could be considered an emergency.

I could still go to Kaki's. She's probably already heard the news by now. Maybe she won't even be there. Would she really run away? She was the one who buried Emy with Sara. She's at as much fault as any of us. If the cops get her, she'll tell them about Sara for sure. Rat her out because she won't go down without a fight, even if it's not her fists that are packing the punch.

There's a knock on the door and Lindsey shouts "I got it!". I pull out my laptop and search for more information about Emy.

"Yeah, she's here. We were going to come over but something came up... Yeah, you've heard, then. I can't believe she's really gone...She's in the living room. Of course, come in."

Kaki walks into the room behind Lindsey, who sits down next to me and pats the cusion of the other couch. Kaki catches my eye and grins before settling down into the sofa. My jaw clenches and imagine if looks could kill, Kaki's heart might stop beating.

She dares to speak, but I stop her before she says anything.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Lindsey looks over to me and her eyes widen.

"Tegan-"

"No! What the fuck do you want, Katherine?" I spit.

Kaki starts to show her anger, but she pushes it down. My use of her real name makes it plain to her that we're not on good grounds. Lindsey is probably going to be pissed at me for snapping at her, but, to be completely honest, I don't give a fuck right now. Seeing Kaki's face, the person who was a part of the seemingly never-ending pain from the last few months, just makes me want to rip the skin right off her skull. She's hurt me and Sara too much for me to treat her like a welcomed guest in Sara's apartment. I feel like some sort of guard dog whose bite may very well be bigger than its bark.

I wait for Kaki to respond, but Lindsey breaks the sandpaper silence for her.

"What is going on with you, Tegan? Has something happened between you two?"

I glare at Kaki and shake my head. "I'm sorry, LB. I just didn't expect her to come here. I'm still upset about Emy. I just want to know what you want, Kaki. So, what is it? Why are you here?" I cross my arms and wait for her to search for words. She finds them quickly, like she's already planned what she was going to say, knowing I wouldn't be willing to wait for her to take her time.

"They're going to start looking for Sara. I can help her get out of this. Is she here?" Kaki tries to look around me into Sara's empty room. I shake my head again. "She doesn't need your help. Nobody is going to look for her. If anything, they'll look for you." I say. Lindsey looks from me to Kaki, confusion rising in her usually pleasant features.

"What are you talking about?" Lindsey prods.

Kaki ignores her and looks to me. "She's not here? Where is she?"

"Linds, can you give us a second?" I ask and Lindsey stares at me, trying somehow to figure me out, before getting up and walking out the front door. I turn back to Kaki and put my computer on the couch beside me.

"She's not here and I'm not going to tell you where she is. I don't know why you think you can just threaten our lives and then walk in here like you've done nothing wrong. You and I both know that I'd love nothing more than to make you feel as horrible as you've made us feel. Sara didn't kill Emy, she's got nothing to worry about. But you, you helped kidnap us. You put a gun to our heads, a knife to our throats. You deserve to rot in prison."

Kaki calmly crosses her legs and glares back at me. "And how would you feel about the world knowing all about your incestuous relationship with your twin sister?" She lets the question fall and sink in.

"You wouldn't dare."

"I wouldn't care. Love is love, right? People will surely understand that you can't imagine being with anyone else but your sister. You love eachother so much that you broke up with your girlfriend just so you could be her only one. You'll even show the world how much you love Sara that you'll send pictures to every news, magazine, and internet celebrity gossip site that would post them for the eyes of your friends, family, and fans to see. Wouldn't you?"

"No!"

Kaki uncrosses her legs and leans closer to me. "Then tell me where Sara is."

"You're bluffing. You don't even care if you get arrested, do you?"

"I promised Emy a long time ago that I'd do everything she asked of me. It won't be forever. Besides, my shame won't be nearly as traumatizing as yours. I'm sure the video will scar your mother for years."

"What video?"

Kaki looks past me and at a corner of the room. I get up and follow her eyes to discover a microscopic security camera hidden in the wall. I turn back to Kaki and she's pointing to the other two hidden cameras.

"There's also a few in Saras room. And the one in the bathroom, let's not forget." She grins menacingly.

I stand there, shocked. She's seen everything. And for all these months we had no idea. I feel violated.

"Tell me where Sara is or I'll get to show the world that passionate last kiss you and Sara had before she left."


	23. I Know I Know I Know

"You think I'm bluffing?" Kaki asks me. She gets up from the couch and heads for the front door.

"I really wish you were." I say as I watch her begin to open the door. I can't let her leave here, knowing she'll expose everything to the world.

"Wait! Alright, I'll tell you where she is." I intercept.

Kaki smiles and closes the front door again.

"But you have to get rid of those video tapes," I say, "and the copies."

Kaki's smile fades, but she shrugs. "Fine." She returns to the couch and I sit down on the edge of the coffee table.

"How do I know you'll go through with it?"

With that, Kaki gets up from her seat again and enters the kitchen. She returns a moment later with a serrated cutting knife clutched in her hand. Before I can object, she's gone and ripped the wires connecting the hidden camera out of the wall. With the knife, Kaki cuts the wires and tosses the camera to me. I stumble and miss the catch, the petite lens falling onto the coffee table beside me. Kaki does the same for the other two hidden cameras in the living room before continuing into Saras room. I get up and follow behind her, not wanting to leave her alone to rummage through Saras personal things, though she's done a lot worse than that by now.

I don't say anything as Kaki removes the other cameras from Saras room. I shake my head when we enter the bathroom and Kaki cuts the wires of a hidden camera looking into the shower. I hold each of them in my arms when Kaki's taken them all down. There are eight of them when she's finished. I dump them all on Saras bed. I text Lindsey and a few minutes later she walks in the front door looking obviously annoyed by having to wait for almost twenty minutes.

I know she's got a ton of questions, but I can't answer them all at this point. I still have to ask Kaki some of my own.

"I want the tapes and the copies. We can go right now." I demand. Kaki stiffens. "Tell me where she is first." I look over at Lindsey, who has her arms crossed by the front door, her car keys dangling from her left hand.

I get an idea.

"Since we were planning on going to your place anyway, why don't we go and get them and I'll tell you where she is on our way there?" I propose.

Kaki nods and joins Lindsey by the door. "Take the long way, then."

Lindsey scolds me and follows Kaki out the door.

SARA

"Can I get another Vodka?" I ask the bartender, who nods and fills my glass to the brim. The bar is quite empty, being that it's a tuesday. I sit alone, away from the bartender. It's relatively quiet, if you ignore the passers by and the sound of the television monitor suspended on the wall above the bar. I sip my drink and keep an ear open as I stare off into space. I like not having to think about anything. I find it easier to keep myself from wondering how Tegan is doing with the alcohol clouding my mind.

I almost caved and called Tegan earlier, before I decided I needed a good drink or two. I left my phone at the hotel for further precautions. I should be able to keep myself busy in this city. So why am I still worrying about Tegan? She can take care of herself. I decide I need to go ahead and get out of here. I know a friend who lives in China Town, I'll just walk the few blocks there. I pay the bartender and get up from my seat. I reach for my phone in my back pocket, and upon realizing that it's not there, I look up to the TV, which has the evening news broadcasting. That's when I see her face again. Will she ever leave me alone?

Emy's bright blue eyes stare back at me and I find it hard to breathe properly. So they know. The world knows. Does Tegan know? Forgetting about my recently planned visit to China Town, I rush out of the bar and hurry down the block. I run as fast as my little lungs can take. The hotel isn't far, but I run nonetheless. I'm out of breath by the time I arrive at my room.

TEGAN

"She's in New York." I say to Kaki, who is sitting in the back seat of the Sedan as Lindsey drives. Kakis house in Montreal is one of many. She must have an apartment in every country with the amount of travelling she does. And I thought Sara and I were busy. Kaki tours just as much as we do.

"Where in?" Kaki asks from behind me. She has her iPhone out and ready in the palm of her hand, waiting for the address. I say the name of the hotel out loud and I know she's typing away, no doubt using Google to find the place. She's been there before, though. She should have no trouble getting to a place she visits often. "I'm only doing what I promised I would do, you know that?" Kaki says to me. "I don't break my promises."

I knead my eyes and push the hair out of my face. This is almost too much for me. First, she kidnaps us, threatens to kill us, and now she's trying to 'help' Sara? I knew Emy. I even thought I knew Kaki, but everything these past few months has been shifted. I don't even think I know who _I _am anymore. The only people I can rely on to remain constant in my life are Lindsey and my family.

"Then promise me you won't hurt her. Promise me I'll get to see her again."

Lindsey turns her eyes from the road to look at me. I stare at Kaki in the side mirror, where her reflection reveals her hesitation. Her lips move and I almost don't catch her words.

"I promise."

I let myself believe her.

We arrive at Kaki's house and I consider going through with my original plan, but decide against it. I still need those video tapes. Kaki leads Lindsey and I in through the front door. I've been here before, but I still look around. Her walls are bare and boring. She's only filled the place with necessities. Kind of perfect for a party, which is how I happened to be here the last time I visited with Sara. Lindsey couldn't make it, she was in LA.

Kaki stops us in the living room and tells us to wait. She disappears down a hallway and into a room. Lindsey takes the time we have alone to get some answers from me.

"Why would Kaki hurt Sara? Seriously, Tegan, tell me what's going on." She whispers.

I make sure Kaki isn't on her way back and whisper back. "She's just going to pick up Sara and tell her what happened to Emy, since she's not answering her phone. I don't want her to upset Sara. You know how she is. She's fragile." Lindsey bites her lip and reaches to squeeze my hand. I hate having to lie to her. I know she would never lie to me. I don't think she's ready to know everything yet, though.

"Yeah, I know. But what's up with you and Kaki? Did she do something to you?"

I sigh and Lindsey lets go of my hand. "Oh, yeah, we kind of had a misunderstanding, we're fine now. Just a little mix-up regarding a missing guitar, we figured it out, though."

I hear footsteps and Kaki enters the room again with a stack of CD's. She hands them to me and I hold them close to my chest to keep them from falling.

"That's all of them."

I feel my pocket vibrate and hope it's Sara. Lindsey takes the stack of CD's and I answer after the fourth buzz.

It's Sara.

"Hello?"

"Tegan! Emy, they found her. Her body, I mean. They found her!"

"I sent you a text and Lindsey left a message, are you just now finding it out?"

"I turned off my phone, I went to a bar, they had the news on." She gasps.

I point to the front door and excuse myself, leaving Lindsey and Kaki in the house as I attempt to comfort Sara.

"Have you been running? Why are you so out of breath?"

"Yeah, I ran back here to get my phone when I saw the news."

"You're drunk."

"...Yeah. I thought I was supposed to act like I was on vacation!"

"Just keep your phone on. And _with_ you."

"Okay, _mum_."

"Really, Sara? They found Emy and Kaki is ready to go to New York and get you. She says she wants to help, but I don't know."

"She can help me kick her _ass_!"

"Sara! Jesus, how much did you drink?"

"Just a couple of Vodka's. I'm fine, fuck, Tegan."

I roll my eyes. "Sara, focus. There's something else I need to tell you."

There's silence on the other end and then a whispered 'Okay.'

"Kaki's been watching us for months. She had video cameras everywhere in your apartment, but they're gone now. Actually, they're still on your bed." I say it all in a rush so she can't interrupt me. "And I've got all the tapes. All I need to do is get rid of them and the evidence is gone. Unless Kaki still has copies."

Sara is quiet for a moment, probably expecting me to continue. Then she erupts. "She's been video taping us? What the fuck! Oh my god, she's seen everything. Fuck...fuck."

"Sara. Sara, calm down, I've got it all under control, okay? Breathe."

I can hear her beginning to wheeze through the reciever and I curse myeself for letting her leave to New York _alone_.

"What the fuck am I going to do? I'm not going anywhere with Kaki."

I realize I've been pacing back and forth with the phone pressed to my ear for five minutes.

"I...I don't know." I say, defeated.

"Tegan, you can't let her come get me."

"I know... But she left the shovel, Sara. They've got a way to trace it back to you. Even if they can't, Kaki might do something...drastic. Something stupid. She could tell someone about us, expose us."

"No. She wouldn't..."

"Yes, Sara. She really fucking would and she can, she has the ability to fuck everything up more than she already has!"

"No..."

"Look, I know you're drunk and I know you're fucking depressed, but you've got to understand that I love you and I'll be digging my own grave before I ever let some _bitch _ruin your life. You got that, Sara?"

After a minute of waiting for Sara to say something, I look at the screen of my phone and realize my battery has died.

SARA

"Look, I know you're drunk and I know you're fucking depressed-"

The line goes dead and I glance at the screen of my Blackberry before chucking it against the wall of the hotel room.

"I need another drink."


	24. Want To Be Bad

I don't usually drink, but I feel tonight is an exceptional occasion to do so, and to do it thoroughly. I'd already gotten a head start at the bar earlier this evening. Being the petite size that I am, I get buzzed a lot faster than my bigger band-mates. Sean, Johnny, and Ted are always the last to start stumbling over their own feet at the end of the night. Tegan is sometimes close behind them, but I keep my distance from getting totally trashed. I'll usually replace a second drink with coffee.

Tonight, I'll be the first to get wasted. With the absense of any competitors to compare levels of drunkedness, I'm left with not giving a fuck.

First is the minibar provided by the hotel. I ignore the obvious printed prices of the tiny bottles of liquor and line them up on top of the queen-sized bed. I arrange them according to their levels of alcohol content. I start with the less threatening bottle of tequila, working my way up to the smallest bottle of vodka. If I'm lucky, I'll be able to make it to the vodka before I pass out. Since I've already had a few drinks at the bar, I don't believe I'll be able to reach even the rum before throwing it all up. With five bottles of various forms of alcohol resting on the bed in front of me as I sit down on the carpeted floor, I remember the time I'd gotten a little too drunk with Tegan.

We were twenty-eight, just finishing up touring for The Con. Still on the road, Johnny returned from a corner store on one of our few days off. He brought back with him a rather large bottle of liquor. The rest of the band were sitting together in the kitchen of the tour bus, we were talking about god knows what. I still can't remember what it was that we were discussing. Parts of that night I can't recall for the life of me. When Johnny nonchalantly placed the bottle of liquor on the counter in front of us, every head turned to Tegan. We all expected her to raise her voice at Johnny, toss the bottle off the side of the bus, to do _anything _but be the first to pour a glass. She took a sip and shrugged, "We don't have anything to do tomorrow, why not? But just this once."

Let's just say, we drank a lot. Johnny and Ted went out after about an hour of emptying the first bottle of liquor to fetch more. I was on my second drink by the time Tegan had gotten to her third. Tegan and Shaun were arm wrestling at the kitchen table while I watched them act like tipsy teenagers. I let myself laugh when Tegan threw her fist into the air, victorious. It was obvious Shaun was letting her win, but Tegan was too buzzed to really pay any mind. She let one of her tremendous laughs fill the room. Shaun and I laughed, too. I love her laugh so much. I remember thinking the very same thing that night on the bus. When Ted and Johnny returned, Tegan indulged in a couple more drinks before heading outside, claiming she needed some 'air'. I'd only just finished my second drink when I filled my glass again and joined Tegan outside. I found her leaning against the side of the bus, phone in hand. When she saw me, she looked like she'd been caught doing something she shouldnt have.

"You're not calling her are you?" I asked, surprised at how sober I sounded.

Tegan shook her head, but she handed me her Blackberry, admitting defeat. Of course she was going to call her, it's what she always did when she got drunk. I should have reminded her of this before she poured the first glass. After tonight, Tegan would always give me her phone before we went out drinking. She knew she had little self control when she was wasted.

"Hey, Tegan, girls like her don't deserve you. They're just _bitches_." I found reassurance in Tegans smirk. I leaned against the bus next to her and took a sip from my drink. Tegan watched me swallow the fiery liquid. I could see her eyes watching me out of the corner of my own. Back then, she didn't know how I felt about her. No one really knew then, not even me, not clearly at least. I was trying to push those feeling away at the time.

"Lets go for a walk." I said. I knew it might have been a bad idea to leave the bus without telling anyone else, but we had our phones. I thought we'd be fine, even if Tegan was a stumbling mess. I had to hold her up on our way down the road from our bus, which was parked next to the corner store. We ended up stopping at a large tree in a nearby park. Tegan leaned against the trunk much like she had with the tour bus. It was rather dark, but it was easy to see with the street lamps and stars lighting up the sky. The weather was nice, too. Not too hot, not too cold. It was early fall and everything was starting capture an essense of october. I remember feeling like I could spend the rest of the night under that tree with Tegan. Everything was quiet with the absense of cars. It felt peaceful.

"Lemme get some?" Tegan asked me. I didn't want to let her keep drinking, since she was already beginning to slur her words. I don't know why I handed her the almost empty glass. But I did and she drank the rest without pause.

"Do you ever feel like just not giving a fuck about anything?" Tegan said as she dropped the glass and let it fall to the ground with a thud.

I shake my head. "No, but sometimes it seems like it'd be easier."

"Yeah?"

Settled on the floor of the hotel room, I open the next bottle of alcohol and drink it down fast. I run my hands over the top of the carpet and rest my head on the side of the bed. I wish it were easier to not care about anything. I find myself caring too much sometimes. There must be an easier way to forget about everything than drinking it all away. But for now, this method will have to do. From the floor, I run my hands over the fabric of my jeans and close my eyes, letting the memory pull me in and engulf me.

Tegan nudged the dirt on the ground with her right foot. She began digging a shallow hole with her shoe absentmindedly as she looked up at me when I responded.

"Yeah. It'd be so much easier if you could just do whatever you want without having to worry about what everyone else thinks."

I watched Tegan nod and lean further into the tree. I wasn't standing too far from her. I was close enough to reach out to her. "So much easier." She agreed. When she looked down at her shoes, I moved to lean against the tree trunk next to her. She looked over at my shoes that had made their place next to hers. I watched her gather up a bit of sand with the foot of her shoe and brush it onto my right. Her smile was playful and I returned it, gently nudging the side of her high-tops with my shoe.

Our shoulders were touching. I hadn't noticed before Tegan had moved her arm to tuck it into her left pocket. I remember watching her play with the labret peircing in her lip as she concentrated on digging a deeper hole with the sole of her shoe. She wasn't looking at me when I inched a little closer to her face. Too focused on her task at hand and too drunk to react fast enough, and in the expected way, Tegan didn't seem to realize her sister was kissing her until after I had taken her hand out of her pocket and held her wrist.

Tegan's lips were soft, as they always will be, even with the alcohol tainting her breath. It wasn't too distracting, since we'd both had the same thing to drink. The taste of the liquor was only stronger, as if by tasting it on her lips and my own, we somehow tasted all of what we had at once. But that was the last thing on my mind. What I remember thinking most, or rather feeling, was how enthralling the kiss was. Even if it lasted only seconds, Tegan _did _kiss me back. And fervently. It was almost like she'd forgotten who she was kissing. And I'm sure she probably had. When I'd tugged her wrist closer to my body, I must have pulled some kind of switch that pulled her back to reality to realize what she was doing. When she pulled away, my lips didn't want to give up. As her head backed away, I leaned in further, almost chasing her lips so they wouldn't escape. I kept my hand on her wrist when she tried to push me.

With my head still resting on the side of the hotel bed, my hands have found their way to my inner thighs. I close my eyes tighter and try to hold onto the last bit of the memory I have left. I made an effort to remember what happened next that night. When I'd woken up the next day, it was the first thing I'd tried to recall. I knew Tegan wouldn't remember it, though. After we'd gone back to the tour bus, she drank even more. I wasn't surprised when she'd slept almost five hours past the normal wake up time. And when she spent the majority of her time vomitting in the bathroom, I felt kind of bad. I'd been a part of the reason she went back to drink more. I scared her, made her want to forget what happened at that park, under that tree. So when she slept longer than originally planned, it was expected.

I grabbed Tegan's other wrist and, holding them both in each of my hands, pulled them behind my back so that her body was brought flush with mine. She used her hands to push my hips from hers. "Sara, what the fuck?"

I could smell the strong scent of the alcohol with every syllable she spoke. She was so close, but she was pushing away. She was too clumsy to get out of my hold. I kept my grip on her wrists firm.

"It's easier if you act like you don't care." I breathed. Tegan shook her head, but immediately regretted it. She lost her balance and swayed back, but I was holding on too tight to let her fall. When she swayed back into me, I caught her lips again with my own. This kiss was rougher, I wasn't about to let her get away again. When I felt her giving into it, I bit down on her bottom lip and tugged it gently. I almost tripped over the hole Tegan had dug with her shoe. I let go of Tegans right arm and placed my hand on the trunk of the large oak tree behind her. I worried that with her hand now free, Tegan might use it to push me away, but I was surprised when she used it to pull me in closer to her. With her finger through a belt loop of my jeans, Tegan gave me the reaction I needed to push her further into the tree and grind our hips together. I separated our mouths and went for her neck, hoping it'd make her feel as hot as it made me. Her back arched into me and she exposed her neck, inviting me in for more.

My hands have left my inner thighs to work on the button of my jeans. I stretch out on the floor of the hotel room and pull them off of me. With my eyes still closed, I reach a hand past the waistband of my cotton underwear. I gasp at the sensation when I begin working fast circles around my clit. Replaying the memory in my mind, I rub harder before dipping a finger into my core. I'm impossibly wet. I can feel the damp spot from my underwear on the back of my hand as I enter myself with two fingers. I slide my left hand into my boy shorts and continue working on my clit.

Tegan moaned quietly and it sounded as if she was trying to hold it in. I was still sucking on her delicate neck when her left hand made its way to the front of my jeans. I pushed my hips harder against her hand between my legs. I'd forgotten we were in public by then. Just because it was late at night didn't mean there weren't people still present oustide. Luckily, I saw no one else in the park when I looked past Tegans neck. We were alone.

"Mmm, Tegan. You don't give a fuck if you fuck your own sister, do you?" I growl before attacking her neck again. I remember feeling like I'd been taking things further than where I wanted them to go. I didn't want it to be some purely sexual fling with my sister. I wanted the emotion behind it, I wanted a relationship with Tegan. I'd also thought of Emy. But with the alcohol behind me, I found myself not giving an ounce of a shit about it. I wanted Tegan, and she was there. If I tried hard enough, if I got her hot enough, I could have her.

I let go of Tegans other hand and reached behind her to place my left hand on her lower back. Her right hand was still pressed between us, not yet moving on its own, but still creating a much appreciated feeling in my stomach.

I bit down on the spot just below her ear and recieved a rather gravelly moan from Tegan. I nibbled on her ear and hovered there for a moment before whispering, "Do you?"

With this, Tegan kissed me again and rubbed me between my legs, hard. I stopped grinding into her and let her hand drive me insane. If it weren't for the feel of the tree trunk underneath my palm, I would have kept going. But I knew if we kept on like that, we wouldn't have been able to stop ourselves from having sex right there, under that overgrown oak tree.

I curl my fingers and my walls clench, letting out a stifled moan held back by bitten lips. When my heart has stopped racing, I lie down fully on the floor and wipe my hands on my underwear.

Tegan stops her movements and removes her hand from between my legs. Her lips are still on mine when her hand finds its way into my hair and tugs, pulling my face away from hers. Our lips then separate and Tegan bites her lip.

"Yes."

I didn't fully understand what she had said at the time. But it all became clear when she slid out from between me and the tree. I dropped my hand from the trunk and let it fall to my side. She started walking back to the bus, but stopped when she noticed I wasn't following behind her.

"I'm sorry." She said.

I get up from the floor of the hotel room and take my remaining clothes off before changing into clean boxers and t-shirt. I put the empty bottles in the trash and the left over drinks back into the minibar.

In a rush, I run to the bathroom and empty the contents of my stomach. By the time I finally make it to bed, my head is spinning and my mouth tastes repulsive, but I'm much too depressed and much too tired to give a fuck.


	25. Red Belt

TEGAN

I walk back into the house to find that Lindsey and Kaki seem to have been talking while I was away. They're seated on the couch of the living room, Lindsey still holding the stack of CD's in her lap. They're distanced on each end with Kaki's legs crossed, much like she had sat at Sara's apartment. I get the feeling that she does this when she's putting up a wall of defense. As if she needs to hold herself back and stay under control. Next to her, facing away from me, Lindsey's shoulders are slouched. If I didn't know her as well as I do, I would take her posture as just the way she sat. But I know better. Lindsey only sits like this when she's uncomfortable or upset. I step up behind her and watch Kaki slowly look up at me. Lindsey's eyes soon follow hers and she turns, straightening her back as I come fully into view.

"Watcha been talkin' about?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.

Lindsey answers before Kaki can respond. "Touring. Well, her touring. We were just discussing the possibility of me coming along with her on her next trip to Australia to take pictures. That's awesome, isn't it?"

Lindsey turns her head to smile back at Kaki. "Totally." Kaki stands up. "I'm sorry to have to kick you guys out, but I've got to start packing."

Lindsey gets up from the couch and I take the CD's from her hands.

"Yeah, that's fine. We've got to get going anyway. Let's go, LB." I start towards the front door with Lindsey following behind me.

"I'll see you soon." Kaki calls before we walk out, Lindsey shuts the door politely behind us.

On the ride back to Sara's apartment, Lindsey asks me about the CD's.

"So, what's on them? Is it... porn?" She laughs at her own joke. I laugh with her, maybe a little too loud.

"No! They're just some live video's of Sara and I for a new DVD we're working on. Gotta keep the fans happy while we're not touring."

Kaki is already beginning to pack her bags to get Sara in New York. I don't know what her plan is, other than to somehow 'help' us. I'm hoping I can trust that Sara will be sober enough when Kaki shows up to her hotel room. There's no way Sara's going anywhere with Kaki, let alone open her door to her. I hate it when Sara gets drunk. She makes the worst decisions. The tattoo she got in Portland a few years ago is pure proof. Even if she did beat everyone at Wii boxing, it doesn't exempt the fact that she can't keep herself from doing anything without thinking of the consequences. She can be so mindless when she's wasted. At least I have a little awareness of when to stop when I've had two too many drinks. I was always the more contained one when I'm smashed. Although, I'm known to forget most of what happened the night before I wake up to a freight train running through my head. I also can't seem to refrain from drunk texting.

That is, unless I have someone take away my phone for the night. Sara is usually the one to do so.

"I can't wait to see it." Lindsey snaps me out of my daze and I see her grin at the road in front of her, which she never lets leave her vision. After the car accident, Lindsey promised that she'd make sure something like that would never happen as long as she was in the car. I love how protective she can be. Sometimes I like being babied by her. I feel as if I do enough of that on my own when it comes to Sara.

When we make it back to Sara's apartment, Lindsey wastes no time in taking advantage of the time we have alone together. With Sara still in New York, we have the place to ourselves and Lindsey is fully aware of this. We haven't been able to do anything intimate for months now. Sara has always been here to keep Lindsey from making any moves on me. Lindsey hasn't tried to do anything since the episode in the back seat of the Sedan. Sara is a different story. She didn't care that Lindsey was in the living room when she whispered my name from her bedroom door. In the dead of night, when Lindsey was passed out on the couch, I would hear her call to me.

"Tegan? Tee, come here."

And every time, I'd come to her. She'd pull me into her room. Her hands would land on my hips and press my back against the door. Slowly, silently, we'd make our way to her bed. Her knees would hit the edge of the mattress and Sara would melt with me into the fabric of the sheets.

Lindsey's teeth graze my neck and my thoughts are sifted away from my sister. In the living room, Lindsey is guiding us to the bedroom. I hesitate before we reach the door and Lindsey takes my bottom lip between her teeth, tugging it and making me move further into her body. Her hands tangle in my hair, which has grown past my shoulders. My hands fall to her hips. When her back hits the door frame, I turn the knob and let us into the empty room. We stumble inside and and Lindsey sits down on the bed. Sara's face flashes under my eyelids as I kiss Lindsey and I make quick work of my belt and jeans. I step out of them without breaking the kiss and kick them into a pile on the floor. Lindsey's hands are on my hips before I can slip out of my shirt and bra. I add them to the growing pile of discarded clothes.

Shamelessly, Lindsey slides her palms flat against my backside and squeezes roughly. I groan when she catches a nipple between her teeth. Her hands leave my bum and pull her shirt up over her head. She tosses it to the side, paying no attention to where it lands. Her bra soon follows suit. Her pants are off before I realize they are and we're both left with only our underwear to remove. Lindsey leans back on the bed as I back up a few inches and thumb the waistband of my boy shorts. I'm half straddling her and her eyes are aimed at my hands, which are teasing their way beneath my boxers.

Lindsey has on white laced panties. But not for long.

"Lay back." I say and Lindsey complies, displaying her jutting hipbones to me. She holds herself up with her elbows to see me settle on my knees. I coax her legs apart with my mouth, kissing each knee cap until I'm satisfied with the distance between them. I place my hands on Lindsey's thighs and slide them up until I reach her hips. I slip my fingers under her panties and pull them down to her ankles. She toes them off the rest of the way and she's completely bare. My eyes behold the sight before me. Lindsey's cunt is smooth and shaven, save for a light patch of curls on her mound. Inches from me, she's wet and waiting, ready for me to make her squirm under my tongue.

I bring my tongue right above her core, licking the length of her slit slowly, marvelling in the way she moans my name.

"Teeegaan."

I haven't tasted her in so long. I'd almost forgotten how sweet she is.

I repeat the motion of my tongue a few times, gradually adding more pressure. Lindsey's head has fallen back and she's given up on trying to watch me between her legs. When I slip my middle finger inside of her, I move my mouth to lick quick circles around her clit. Her hands fly to the back of my head and I lift my eyes to see her back arch. I add my ring finger to the mix and I hear my name again.

"Oh, fuck! Tegan!"

I'm pumping in and out of her, never breaking the contact of my tongue. My free hand grips her ankle as hers mash my face into her clit. I curl my fingers and Lindsey's body shakes. Her hips rise off of the bed and her toes curl. I flatten my tongue while she rides out her orgasm.

Her body relaxes after a few seconds. I know it's not over yet. I still haven't had my turn and I know how much Lindsey loves making me come.

"God, I love you, Tee."

I can only smile as she helps me off of my knees. They've turned red from the carpet, but I don't mind. Lindsey stands from the bed and our mouths meet. She catches my tongue between her lips and begins to suck gently when I try to deepen the kiss. She turns us around and we scoot onto the bed. I take her face in my hands and separate our mouths.

"We need to clean the sheets." I breathe.

Lindsey pulls my hands from her face and places them on her breasts. She shakes her head and leans in close to my ear.

"Shut up and let me fuck you."

I can feel the lust in her voice when she nibbles on my ear, her warm breath ghosting along my neck and back to my lips.

I continue to knead her full breasts as she tugs my boy shorts off of my body. Her lips leave mine and she finds my eyes.

"Do you still have it?" She asks.

"What? Have what?"

"Your toy."

Lindsey knows that I occasionally wear the strap-on she gave me on our four year anniversary. It's the only sex toy I own. The very same that I'd worn when Emy kidnapped Sara and I. I thought about getting rid of it. Burning it, even. But I kept it hidden, wrapped in an old t-shirt that I keep stashed in a secret compartment of my suitcase.

I've used it on Lindsey a few times. I didn't expect her to ask for it now and I don't really want to use it tonight. Or ever. I could lie to her, tell her I left it at my house in Vancouver. She doesn't know about Emy and the incident. I don't ever plan on telling her, either. Not about practically being raped by my sisters ex-wife with the same thing I'd made love to her with.

"Where is it?" She asks again.

I sit up without thinking and Lindsey lets me out of the bed. I return from the closet with the strap-on in hand, which she promptly takes from me.

"Get on the bed." Lindsey puts on the silicon schlong and adjusts it to fit her. I crawl back onto the bed and lie face down with my bum in the air. Lindsey follows behind me and sets herself between my legs. Her hands rub my backside and she gives my right cheek a light smack.

"You have the nicest ass I have ever seen, you know that, Tee?"

I moan in satisfaction when she smacks the other cheek. Lindsey's hands plant themselves on my hips. I feel the head of the strap-on begin to probe my core, searching for purchase. When it catches and slips inside of me I lean on my arms and rest my head against balled fists.

Lindsey slowly inches her way in deeper and I cry out when the base meets my flesh. It's only seven inches, but it feels amazing. Lindsey pulls out before pushing back in painfully slow. I move my hips, trying to get as much of her cock inside of me. She holds my hips still and forces me to quit riding her.

"I said let me fuck you."

Frustrated, I relax under her palms and wait for her to continue. Lindsey pulls out before slamming back into me, causing my breasts to sway. She picks up the pace and all I can hear is the sound of our skin slapping together with every violent thrust.

Behind me, I hear clattering and turn my head to see the pile of hidden cameras fall off of the bed and onto the floor. I'd forgotten all about them. My mind goes to Sara then. I wonder if she's still drinking...

I turn my head back around and cover my face in my hands, biting down on the comforter to muffle my moans. Lindsey's hips are rocking into me, sending flashes of pleasure throughout my body, tearing my thoughts away from Sara.

"You like my cock inside of you? You like it when I fuck you from behind, Tegan?" Lindsey pants.

"Umph! Yes!"

Lindsey's right hand leaves my side and reaches to make fast circles with her fingertips on my clit. I see Emy's hands instead of Lindsey's. I'm in that room again. Sara is feet away from me.

My legs shake and my body tightens. Lindsey's fingers keep going as she stills her cock deep inside of me.

"Oh, Sara!"

Lindsey's fingers stop moving. I ride out my orgasm and my body goes limp. But Lindsey's cock doesn't leave me.

"What did you just say?"

It's then that I realize what I've done.

"Lindsey! Lindsey! I didn't mean- that was- I'm sorry! Lindsey, please."

I'm actually frightened. Lindsey hasn't pulled out yet and it feels like she's pushing in further.

"Please, it was an accident." I beg her to let me go and she finally pulls out of me. The slick sound of the strap-on echoes in my ears.

"Why the hell did you say Sara's name?"

My face turns beet red. How do I explain this to her?

Lindsey steps off of the bed and I roll onto my back, hugging my legs to my chest and leaning against he head board. I feel more exposed than I did when Lindsey was on top of me.

I look into her eyes and swallow. "I've just been worried about her. It was honestly a mistake. She was drunk when I talked to her on the phone. She's just been on my mind, it's not like that at all. That's gross, Lindsey! I mean, I can't believe I did that to you. That was so weird, I'm sorry, Lindsey."

Lindsey takes off the strap-on and holds it in her hands, staring at the sheen of come that I left on the phallus with a grimace.

"No, I understand. You didn't mean to. I get that you're worried about her. I'm sure it's happened to other people, too. But you've got to make this up to me,Tee."

Lindsey looks up at me and gives me the smallest of smiles before running an index finger along the length of the strap-on. She gathers up the remaining cum and holds it up to her face.

"Now go clean the sheets." She says and licks her finger clean.


	26. Not With You

SARA

I wake up to pounding on the door and a throbbing in my head. I reach for my phone on the bedside table. When I find that it's not there, I remember last night and curse myself for drinking too much. The pounding on the door starts up again and I give up on trying to find out what time it is.

"I'm coming!" I rub the sleep from my eyes and head towards the door. My bare feet pad against the carpet and I look down to assess myself. Luckily, I'm in clean clothes, but I can't imagine what condition my hair is in, let alone my face. I feel groggy and repulsive. Even my skin seems a lot paler than normal, which probably makes me look ghostly.

I make it to the door and press my eye to the peep hole. Sarah Fobes, Emy's girlfriend before she died, stands on the other side. She's looking to her left down the hall with her hands behind her back. Without thinking, I open the door despite my current condition.

"Hello, Sara." She says, turning to face me. Her left hand reaches out and pushes the door all the way open, keeping her right hand from my view and causing me to stumble. She catches my arm and spins me around, my eyes swirling in my skull. She twists my arm up and locks it behind my back. A damp cloth roughly covers my nose and mouth before I can scream for help. The fumes fill my nostrils and my eyelids droop.

"Shh." Sarah holds me up as my body goes limp from the chloroform. The last thing I see is Sarah's hand wrapping around my stomach and then everything is dark.

TEGAN

"Go to sleep, Tee. It's almost two in the morning." Lindsey whispers beside me.

"No. She's going to call. She has to." I lay with my phone resting on my chest. It rises and falls with my breathing. Every time the illuminated screen dims, I click the keys to light it up again. We've been lying in bed since eleven. How can I sleep when Kaki's on her way to Sara? Why the hell did I let her go to New York on her own? After Kaki came here, my plan would never have worked. It was pointless to send Sara away.

The screen of my phone dims again and Lindsey sighs before turning away from me. When she falls asleep, I slip out of Sara's bed and wander into the living room. I sit down on the smaller of the two couches and set my phone down on the coffee table, next to the stack of CD's. I haven't gotten to getting rid of them. Lindsey has kept me pretty busy all night. Now that she's asleep, I have the opportunity to get some things done. I want to start with seeing the contents of the film Kaki's gathered. I reach for the first CD at the top of the stack and trace the sides of the plastic case. The label reads, 'T + S july' in Kaki's handwriting. I put it down next to me and reach for my laptop on the far end of the table. I take the CD out of its case and into my computer and wait. When the video doesn't pop up, I try finding it on my own. That's when I see that the disc is empty. There is no video on it.

Frantically, I eject the first CD and reach for the second, the third, and the rest until there's none left. Kaki must have switched all of the CD's for blank ones before she gave them to me.

"That little bitch!" I slam one of the CD's on the coffee table. Kaki lied to me! She's got all of the film and I told her where Sara is. I should have known she would con me. Why did I even begin to trust her? Now she's got Sara and the evidence.

"Tegan, what's wrong?" Lindsey walks from Sara's bedroom and sits down next to me. I stiffen and gather all of the CD's, stacking them in no particular order.

"We have to go to New York. I made a mistake." My hands are shaking as I look for the earliest flight to Sara on the computer. Lindsey's hand stops me as she places it on top of my own. I turn my head and look at her. She's got concern deepening the lines on her face and I already know what she's going to say before she opens her mouth to speak.

"Enough of this, Tegan. Tell me what's going on or I'm going back to L.A. I'm not stupid, I can tell you're hiding something from me. Just tell me. You can tell me anything." Tears well up in Lindsey's eyes.

"I can't tell you," Lindsey gets up to stand and I grab hold of her hand. "but please, don't go. I need you." She hesitates for a moment, in between shoving me away and embracing me. "I love you and I need you, please."

"Then why can't you tell me?"

I search for the right words that will keep her here. It takes me a long minute to answer. "I'm protecting you. I don't want to hurt you. It's better if I don't tell you because if I do, I'm scared that you'll never look at me the same way again. I don't want you to hate me."

"I could never hate you." Lindsey chokes out.

"Yes you could! Maybe one day I can tell you, but for right now, I can't jeopardize what we have." I feel the tears threatening to fill up my eyes and I try to blink them away.

"Is it Sara?" Lindsey asks me in a whisper.

"I don't know what you mean."

"Are we going to New York for Sara?"

"...Yes."

"Why?"

I look at Lindsey, who is fiddling with a loose thread on the cushion of the couch with her free hand. "You can't go on tour with Kaki. She's not who you think she is. She's vindictive and you can't trust her." I stop her from interrupting me with a shake of my head. "Sara and Kaki tried to date a few years ago, but Kaki broke it off to ask me out. I said no, of course, because I was chasing you and you were all I wanted." I pause to give her a smile and feel relief when she smiles back. "Anyway, Sara thought I had said yes and she got upset. She accidentally broke one of Kaki's favorite guitars, but Kaki didn't believe her when she told her the truth. Sara refused to pay for it and ever since, Kaki's been trying to get back at her for it. She's tried to fight Sara once when we were at a party at Hesta's. You were there, remember? We had to leave early because Sara didn't want to cause any more trouble."

Lindsey scrunches her eyebrows. "So Kaki's going to try and fight her again in New York? Tegan, why did you even tell her where she was if you knew she was going to hurt her?" She shakes her head at me in disbelief.

"I needed the footage for the DVD! She wasn't going to give it to me if I didn't tell her."

"That's ridiculous! Do you realize what you've done? Kaki is going to hurt your sister and you're the one who helped her do it! And all for some fucking videos?" Lindsey stands and points to the computer in front of me. "You better fucking find us tickets because I sure the hell am not going to let Sara get hurt." I stare at her in shock, half ashamed of myself for lying to her and half glad that Lindsey is all for helping Sara. Before she leaves the room, I shout to her. "Pack lightly!"

We walk into the lobby of the hotel, hand in hand. Lindsey rented a small car, which waits outside by the curb with our luggage locked inside. The receptionist smiles at us.

"Welcome, how can I help you?"

"Uh, yeah. My sister, Sara Quin, has a room booked here. Can I get a key to her room?"

"May I see some identification?"

I nod and let go of Lindsey's hand, pulling out my wallet from the pocket of my jeans and handing it to the receptionist. She takes my ID from me and turns to her computer, typing away at the keyboard while we wait. She hands it back to me, along with the key to Sara's room.

"She's in room 253B on the second floor."

"Thank you." Lindsey says and pulls on my hand, heading toward the elevator.

We make it to her room and Lindsey takes the key from my hand, unlocking the door and holding it open for me to enter first. I look around, noticing the empty bottles of liquor in the wastebasket. The bed is made and Sara's suitcase is unzipped, her pile of books spilling over and onto the floor. Some of her clothes are lying on the ground as well.

"She's not here." I announce. Lindsey sighs and goes to inspect the bathroom.

"And she forgot to flush the toilet, there's vomit."

I run my hands through my hair. "Oh my god..."

Sara's phone is slightly hidden underneath the bed, the back of the case lost somewhere in the room. I bend down and pick it up to find that the screen has been cracked and the battery is missing. I stuff the remnants of her phone into my pockets and search for anything else that will help me find Sara. I hear Lindsey flush the toilet and shut the bathroom door.

"How much did she drink?" Lindsey wonders.

I point to the trash can by the door and she sighs. "Where is she, anyway?"

I shrug and continue rummaging through the dresser drawers and look under the bed. "There's got to be something here. A note, something."

There's a light knock on the door frame and Lindsey and I turn our heads in its direction.

"Glad you could finally make it. I was beginning to think you weren't coming." Kaki smirks and crosses her arms. Lindsey squares her shoulders and looks over to me.

"Where is she, Kaki?" I say through clenched teeth.

"Well, that's rude. You would think that you'd treat me with a little more respect, given that I've got your career and your sister in my hands..."

Lindsey breaks then and raises her voice before I can stop her. "You will not hurt her!"

Kaki shakes her head and laughs. "Alright, settle down. I'll be glad to take you to her, but none of this shouting business will do."

I walk over to Lindsey and try to calm her by rubbing small circles in her back. I keep my voice low enough so only Lindsey can hear and turn away from Kaki. "What do you think, should we go with her? It's the only way we can find Sara."

"Why don't we just fucking call the cops?"

I shake my head. "We can't. Look, it's complicated, but we can't do that."

Lindsey stares into my eyes and nods. "If it's the only way. I trust you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." She smiles and I turn back to Kaki, who is leaning against the door frame, picking at her nails like she's bored.

"Do you have a car we can follow you in?" I ask.

"I was thinking we could ride together."

In the car, Kaki takes a seat in the back, while Lindsey drives and I sit in the passenger seat. I keep my eye on Kaki's hands and keep the music low, wanting to be aware of every movement and every noise she makes. She gives Lindsey directions along the way. When we finally stop, we're in the middle of China Town. Kaki gets out of the car and pays for the parking. Lindsey cuts the engine and sighs, meeting my eyes with hers. She leans in and kisses me lightly on the lips. I let myself close my eyes and get lost in the feel of her lips on mine. It lasts only seconds, but Lindsey puts enough emotion into it to make it last for days.

She pulls away when Kaki taps on her window. "Hey, let's go."

I squeeze Lindsey's thigh before opening my door and getting out of the car.

We follow Kaki into a rather busy building. Oriental men and women bustling around us as we go up a flight of stairs. Lindsey is behind Kaki and I follow behind them both. When Kaki stops in front of a door in a hallway lined with many others and opens it, I'm the last to enter the room.


	27. Dark Come Soon

The television is the first thing that catches my eye. That, and the single row of metal chairs facing the monitor, the kind you find in warehouses and community centers. The room is dimly lit. Dark, like that of a movie theatre. Kaki stops us before we reach the single door on the opposite side of the room. I don't get enough time to see what's being played on the TV. She motions us toward the row of seats and Lindsey hesitates, turning to me for assurance. I press my hand into her back and lead us around to the chairs, Lindsey sits in the middle and I join her to her right. We both look back to Kaki, who is behind us now. She nods once, pursing her lips and knocking on the door in front of her.

_What are we doing here?_ I think to myself. _Why did I even agree to come here? Something is bound to go wrong, I just know it._

Lindsey is still looking back at Kaki, no doubt watching her every move. I take this time to see what's on the TV in front of us, just a few feet away. It's quiet in this room, but I can't seem to hear any sound coming from the TV. I study the images in front of me, the screen switching from what looks like rooms in a house. Each clip of the rooms lasts only a few seconds, but I can make out which they might be. One clip shows a bathroom. The next shows a couch, I assume it's a living room. The last clip scares me, though. It shows the inside of a bedroom, one with a bed that looks far too familiar.

I shoot up from my seat quickly, my chair screeching against the concrete floor. My hands search for a power button on the front of the monitor, my body blocking the screen from Lindsey's view. I start to panic when I can't find any switches at all.

"What are you doing?" Lindsey asks. I hear her get out of her chair and my heart races. Frantically, I search for the wires to unplug the entire system. I finally catch one, not knowing what it goes to, and not caring. But before I can tug it out of its socket, I hear the door open and Kaki is pulling me away from the TV, my hands grasping for the wires, despite being forced across the room. My eyes shoot to Lindsey, who is sitting down again, not bothering to help me. She's looking up at Sarah, who has a gun pointed at her.

Kaki drops me on the floor so that I'm sitting with my back against the wall. I can see the back of Lindsey's head from here and the TV screen. It's still playing the clips of Sara's apartment over and over again. It's hard to see Sarah's face, since she's directly in front of Lindsey now. My legs are splayed out in front of me and my arms are still behind my back. I try to move them, but Kaki must have tied them as she was pulling me. She bends down in front of me, reminding me that she, in fact, is still right next to me.

"I knew we should have done this before we let you in. I thought you two would behave yourselves, but I guess not."

"Why did I ever trust you?" I look into her eyes with hate in mine and she grimaces.

"Because you love her too much." Kaki stands and lifts me up from my under arms. She walks me back to the row of seats, where Lindsey is being handcuffed by Sarah.

"You've got her?" Kaki asks Sarah, who nods and gently pushes Lindsey's shoulders so that she sits back. Kaki points me to the seat next to Lindsey and I sit down. I check the screen and bite my lip when the clips are still playing.

"Teg-" Lindsey tries.

"No talking!" Sarah shouts, pointing the barrel of the gun at Lindsey. I glare at her, wishing I could kick her teeth in. Lindsey stomps her foot against the floor and it echoes through the almost empty room. The walls are thick, I can't hear the commotion going on outside. This scares me even more than the look Sarah gives my girlfriend. She turns away and walks through the door inside the room, which appears to be an extended closet that doesn't lead outside.

Kaki sits down next to me as if we were really just hanging out at her house, watching television. She aims a remote in her right hand at the monitor and turns up the volume.

"I have a movie we can watch, but we have to wait until Sara gets here. We wouldn't want her to miss it, now would we?" Kaki says, not bothering to look at the shock and defeat written all over my face. I turn to Lindsey, who is clearly the angriest I've ever seen her.

"I love you. I'm sorry." I whisper, barely making a sound. I don't want Kaki to hear, but I'm sure she has, given that she's sitting right beside me.

I'm distracted from Lindsey's worried eyes when a door opens and the shuffling of bodies breaks the silence. Kaki gets up from her seat and points to Lindsey and I, blocking us from seeing who is coming through the door.

"Lindsey, you move to the last chair. Tegan you stay there." Kaki orders. Lindsey almost doesn't move until Kaki reaches behind her and takes the gun that Sarah holds out for her. I catch a glimpse of Sara's wrist, the circle tattoo giving her away to me. I know I can't do anything but follow directions, so I stay where I am and hope Lindsey cooperates. She does and moves to the last chair furthest away from me.

"You can bring her now." Kaki turns around to Sarah, who is leading Sara by her arm. They walk around Kaki and stop in front of me. Sara's face is covered with a blindfold and her hands aren't cuffed, but she keeps them to her side like stiff logs. Sarah pulls them back with her free hand, her other holding the handcuffs that she soon puts on Sara. She tightens them too much and Sara winces, my heart tugs and I'd give anything to sooth her. Sarah ignores her and turns her around before pushing Sara's shoulders down until she's sitting in the chair next to me. Sarah removes the black cloth from Sara's eyes. Kaki sits down between me and Lindsey, leaving the last seat to Sarah, who takes her gun from Kaki and sits down.

Sara blinks with her eyes still shut and I take this time to look her over. She doesn't have any bruises on her face, as far as I can tell. She's wearing a blue v-neck, though. And apparently, not a bra. I move my eyes away from her heaving chest and notice that she's wearing loose sweat pants and cheap, rubber sandals. She must not have dressed herself, then. I look up at her face when she coughs lightly and shifts in her seat. It's been only seconds, but I feel like I've been staring at her for hours. She finally opens her eyes and I see relief wash over those glossy orbs.

She almost whispers my name, but I shake my head to stop her. Kaki interrupts our moment and we turn our heads as she snaps her fingers to get our attention.

"Movie time."

She turns the volume all the way up and presses play. The clips of the rooms disappear to a black screen and the room is missing for a moment.

Then it starts. There's no music, no sequence, nothing a real movie would posses.

Kaki reaches under her chair and I hear duct tape rip. She sets the remote down in her lap and loads the gun before pointing it at me and Sara while Sarah has one of her own aimed at Lindsey. If I try to get up and block the TV again, there's no doubt in my mind that I wouldn't get far. I look at Sara out of the corner of my eye. Her jaw is set, teeth clenched and I know she's thinking the same thing that I am.

_No!_

Yet we stay where we are and watch the screen.

We sit and watch the first 'scene'. The view of Sara's living room from the wall. The lamp is on, giving light to two bodies moving around on one of the couches. An arm with a tree tattoo slips between them. Their lips stay connected as hips grind into one another.

The scene changes. I look over to Lindsey, whose mouth is slightly open and whose brow is scrunched. Her head shakes the tiniest bit and I try to swallow the lump in my throat. Kaki catches my eye and grins.

_"Tegan? Tee, come here." _

I look to the TV screen before turning my head to Sara. She's got her face turned away from the monitor now, refusing to watch herself beckon me into her room.

But I watch and I remember and I forget and I wish I could end this.

The scene changes. The screen is green, night vision. I see Sara and I kissing again like we had on the couch. In the shot, Sara's knees hit the side of the bed and I straddle her waist. We're taking our clothes off now. Sara's head is still turned away.

_I can't look at Lindsey again. I just can't. I won't do it. I won't!_

The room fills with sighs and moans. The lump in my throat grows thicker and Sara shifts uncomfortably in her seat next to me. Kaki has the remote held tightly in her hand now. There's no way that I can stop this. The moans grow louder still and my face burns. Lindsey must be sick to her stomach right now. I wouldn't blame her if she felt like shooting me herself. I'd gladly do it for her.

My head is between Sara's legs, her hands are tangled in my hair.

_"Oh, Tegan! I love you! I love you!"_

The scene changes. I look at Sara again and she's hung her head low. When Kaki see's this, she pauses the video.

"Watch the movie, Sara." Kaki demands.

Sara lifts her head and looks directly at the screen. She doesn't blink.

Kaki plays the video again and I slowly tear my eyes away from Sara's face. It's the view of the front door. My hands are on Sara's waist and hers are holding my face. Our lips touch once.

_"I have to go... I love you, Tegan. A week." Another kiss. "I'll be back in a week."_

The scene changes. The sound of running water seems to echo in the room. The view of the bathroom is shown. Sara's bare back slips into the shower. She leaves the curtain pulled back slightly. I soon follow with a towel around my waist. It falls to the floor and I enter the shower behind Sara, pulling the curtain closed.

The scene changes. It's Sara's bedroom again. Lindsey and I are sleeping in her bed. I'm on the side that Sara sleeps on, the left.

_"Sara... Sara."_

I'm talking in my sleep?

The scene changes. The living room again. I have my arms around Sara. We're kissing. Making out hits closer to home. And vigorously. The screen is green, night vision again. This was at three in the morning, I remember. Lindsey was asleep in Sara's room. I notice the casts on my legs. I'm sitting up. Sara's hand in inside of my boy shorts. My head falls back over the edge of the couch and Sara bites my neck. We all watch as her hands pick up their speed.

I've been trying not to look at Sara or Lindsey for the past ten minutes. I look at Sara out of the corner of my eye again and see that she's biting her lip. Even in the dim light, I can still see her blushing from embarrassment and shame. It kills me to see her so torn. When I look over to Lindsey, I can't stand it any longer. Lindsey's eyes are filled with tears and they fall harder when the sound of my moans get louder.

"Turn it off, okay? Just turn it off, please!" I cry, begging for this to end. Sara looks at me now, the tears in her own eyes threatening to spill.

Sarah stands up and comes over to me. She grabs my face with her hand, squeezing my cheeks between her thumb and fingers. Kaki pauses the video and the room is quiet, save for the small whimpers that escape my lips. Sarah stares into my eyes and calls to Kaki without breaking our eye contact.

"You can publish it now."


	28. Knife Going In

Kaki gets out of her chair and disappears behind us. A moment later and the room is flooded with light. I squint my eyes to save from being blinded. Sarah lets go of me and reaches her hand out over my head, taking the remote from Kaki. She steps away from me and turns to the TV, turning it back on and changing the channel to a news station. I hear the closet door open and close, where Kaki returns with a laptop tucked under her arm, two guns, and a case of ammunition under the other. Sarah pulls the two remaining seats out of the row and lines them up a few feet in front of Lindsey, Sara, and I. Kaki sits down in one of the chairs closer to Lindsey. She sets the guns and ammunition down in her lap. Sarah sits in the seat that is left and Kaki hands her the laptop.

"This is it, girls. Say goodbye to your fans, your career. I'm sure Sonia will be proud." Sarah chides. "First we need to upload it to your web site. I don't think anyone will see it unless we tweet it, don't you agree? Let's just put it on Facebook, too. Oh, and Tumblr. Can't forget about that." Sarah trails off.

_I've got to do something, anything, to stop this._

SARA

I bite my lip when the handcuff on my right wrist reaches my knuckles. _It's almost there. I'm so close. So... close!_

My hand slips out of the stainless steel cuff and I try not to make any sudden movements that might give me away. My hand is searing red, it feels. I've been working at getting these cuffs off ever since I sat down. I'm almost positive that I've left a permanent scar on my hand, but at least I'm free. Almost.

Sarah is typing away at the computer resting on her lap. Kaki is loading her gun, along with another, smaller pistol that's lying on her thigh.

"And if it's that big of a controversy, which it is, then you'll get some air time on national television! Isn't that exciting?" Kaki laughs and Sarah joins her. They don't hold back, letting their throaty guffaws fill the room.

I feel myself wanting to sink into the concrete floor. Yes, I have a hand free. But what could I even do with it? I'm scrawny. Even Lindsey could take me down if she tried. I'm no match against _two guns_! Besides, I know what Kaki is capable of. Even without a weapon, she's not afraid to scratch my eyes out if the circumstance arose. I can't just sit here and let them ruin our lives. Lindsey doesn't deserve this, she shouldn't have to go through this. I feel terrible for having brought her into this mess. But I needed her. I wish I could make it up to her. Even if it's just an apology, I need to let her know that I'm sorry.

"Sorry, but I can't let you do that." Lindsey's voice startles me. I look over to see her rise out of her seat. Tegan looks as if she might jump to stop her from making another move, but she stays seated as Lindsey steps forward.

"Sit down!" Kaki barks. She points the loaded gun at her, but doesn't stand up. Sarah reaches for the gun balanced on Kaki's leg.

"Lindsey, no!" Tegan pleads. Lindsey shakes her head and steps closer to Sarah.

"I said sit down!" Kaki edges out of her chair, ready to stand if Lindsey doesn't turn around and comply with her demand. Just as Lindsey raises her leg and kicks out, Tegan shoots out of her seat. Sarah's laptop flies out of her hands. Lindsey's foot successfully kicked it right out of her grasp and it falls onto the hard floor, where it cracks. Kaki catches Lindsey before she falls into her and pulls the trigger. The loud crack of the gun makes me flinch and I fall out of my chair. Tegan falters before she reaches Kaki and Lindsey and I hear her scream louder than I ever imagined she could. It's as if she were the one that was shot. The sound rips through my heart and I force myself not to get up and grab hold of Tegan for dear life.

Kaki shoves Lindsey away from her violently, causing Lindsey to fall back. Tegan is too far away to catch her before the back of her skull hits the edge of the metal chair. I watch as Lindsey's body goes limp. I check to see if Sarah is anywhere close by and feel relief in finding that she's hovering over her broken laptop.

"No!" Tegan cries again and I rip my eyes away from Sarah to see my sister run at Kaki. She tackles her at full force, Tegan's arms still cuffed behind her back. They slam into the wall beside the TV, knocking over Kaki's chair and causing Sarah's gun to tumble onto the ground, along with the case of ammunition. It lands mere feet away from me and I realize what I have to do. Tegan slams her shoulder into Kaki's chest. Kaki drops the gun in her hand from the impact and it clatters to the floor a few inches away from Lindsey's unmoving body.

The shock in my eyes and the quickness of my heartbeat makes it difficult to see or think clearly. I hold the left handcuff with my left hand and make my way over to Lindsey. I blink away the tears and try to keep my composure. Her face is turned away from me, exposing the wound on the back of her head. It's not bleeding nearly as much as her chest is. I hurry past her on my hands and knees and crawl toward the closest gun that lies beside Lindsey's foot.

I look up as Tegan brings her leg back and rams it forward into Kaki's gut. Kaki sputters and clutches her stomach. Tegan knees her again and Kaki cries out. I reach my shaking hand out and wrap it around the cool steel of the pistol. I've held a gun before but this one seems like it weighs the heaviest in my hand, even though it's smaller than any other. I will myself to lift it and aim beside me, where Sarah is still struggling with fixing her computer. Her back is to me and she looks as if she's about to stand up.

_I can do it right now. I can kill her. I can end this. _

_There's got to be another way. I don't want to kill anyone! I don't want to be a murderer._

_You've already killed Emy_, a voice in the back of my head chimes in.

And then I hear my name beside me.

"Sara, shoot!" Lindsey cries out to me.

I close my eyes and hold the gun steady with both hands before firing.

The sound rips through my ears and the impact throws me back and into one of the chairs. I watch as Sarah's body seems to almost collapse in slow motion. The laptop slides out of her hands, but I can't hear it as it clambers to the ground again. The ringing in my ears makes me feel like I've been hit by a train. I turn around just as Kaki reaches her hand out for the other gun. Tegan is holding her head in her hands. I slam the handle of my gun into the back of Kaki's hand. I crush the handle into her wrist until she gives up and pulls her hand away, screaming in agony. Tegan stomps on Kaki's left foot and shoves her back against the wall before using her teeth to bite down on her shoulder. Kaki doesn't have enough time to fight back when Tegan kicks her shins over and over again until Kaki falls to her knees.

I stare in awe at the scene in front of me. Tegan's ferociousness and Kaki's withering might encourage me to get to my feet. I pick up the gun that Kaki was trying to attain and check to see if it has any bullets left. When I find none, I tuck it into the waist band of my sweat pants and search for the clip of ammunition. Kaki quits fighting back and Tegan finally stops attacking her. I find the full clip hidden under one of the metal chairs and hold it tight in my left hand.

Tegan steps away from Kaki and looks around for me. When she see's me and realizes that I'm okay, she turns around to Lindsey. Tegan slowly gets on one knee, and then the other. Her body begins to convulse and she turns her head away from the sight of her girlfriend before emptying the contents of her stomach. Her tears mix with the vomit and I wish I could say something, anything. I can't keep from crying as Tegan coughs and sputters, unable to wipe her eyes or mouth with her hands still cuffed behind her back. She spits toward Kaki and wipes her chin on her sleeve.

I step over to Kaki and bend down so that our faces are on equal parts. I hold the gun in my hand up to her face.

"Give me the keys." I tell her. She glares at me with bloodshot eyes and reaches her hand into her pocket. I keep the gun aimed at her as she hands me the set of keys. I let go of the handcuff in my left hand and tuck the clip of bullets under my arm. I take the keys from Kaki and thank her.

"Fuck you." She hisses. I let it go. I have everything I want now. I'm the one who is in control now, not her. If she wants to back talk, that's fine with me. My bite is a lot bigger than her bark at the moment.

I turn to Tegan, who has scooted closer to Lindsey on her knees. I place the gun between my knees and find the right key. I unlock the cuffs holding Tegan back and remove them. I use my teeth to hold the keys and hand the gun to Tegan, who takes it weakly. I rush over to Kaki. I grab one of her wrists roughly and tighten the cuff, doing the same to the other shortly after. I take the keys out of my mouth and release my left hand. I take my cuffs and do the same that I did to Kaki's wrists, but to her ankles this time. She winces when I dig my thumbs into her shins and stand up.

I turn back to Lindsey and Tegan. Lindsey has lost too much blood already. There's no point in calling an ambulance. We'll have to eventually, but for right now, I can't bring myself to do much but be here for Tegan. She's dropped the gun to her side and her hands are on Lindsey's arm and waist. She's covered her palms in Lindsey's blood, but doesn't seem to care. I place my right hand gently on her back.

"She's... gone." Tegan says to me through a choked sob. I grab a fist full of Tegan's shirt and pull her into me. She lets go of Lindsey and wraps her arms around me as I do the same. Tegan's body erupts in a wave of sorrowful spasms and I grip her shirt tighter.

"I'm so, so sorry, Tegan. So sorry."


	29. I Can't Take It

Tegan's bloodshot eyes peer up at me. Her hair is a mess of matted sweat with sullen cheeks that seem to match the emptyness in her eyes. I thread my fingers through her locks and pull the tangles out with each brush of my hand. I hug her closer to my chest and her palms flatten against my back. A sob racks through her frame and she grabs fistfulls of my loose shirt. I can feel the blood on her hands stain the thin fabric. Each on our knees, I try to hold her still. It's difficult to tell whether I'm shaking from fright or from Tegan. She hides her face in the crook of my neck. Her breath is cool and chill, sending shivers down my spine. I wrap my arms as fully around my sister as I can until our bodies mesh into one. My heart is still pounding and I'm certain Tegan can feel it thump against her own chest.

I check over Tegan's shoulder to see that Kaki is staring at us with absolute disgust on her face. The once concerned look on my face for Tegan turns dark as Kaki's eyes meet mine.

"Are you even sorry?" I ask, half whispering, half growling. Tegan flinches in my arms.

"What? Of course I am-"

"No," I stop her. "Not you."

Tegan turns her head to Kaki, letting go of me as she faces her, waiting for an answer. Kaki looks next to Tegan, where Lindsey lies unmoving in a pool of her own blood. Tegan's jaw tightens as she grinds her teeth together.

"You just fucked yourself over, you know that? You can't call the police, you can't even leave this room. So what the fuck are you going to do, little Sasa?" The venom in Kaki's voice gets to Tegan and she tries to get up. I grab Tegan's arm and pull her back down before she can shove me away. She looks at my grip on her arm and then my face. I look away from her and to Kaki.

"I can get you get out of this." She offers. "All you have to do is show the world how much you," Kaki rolls her eyes. "_love _each other."

Tegan scoffs. "I am so sick of you!"

"Wait, Tegan." I say and she whips her head around to me.

"Go on."

"Frame me. I can wipe away all of your fingerprints and they can take me. The video is still in the DVD player. Post it to your website. Put it everywhere and admit it. Tell them it's true and that you're not sorry." Kaki's voice breaks on 'sorry' and she covers her face with her cuffed hands. She wipes her eyes with her knuckles and throws her head back against the wall. "Tell them you fucking killed Emy because you couldn't help but fuck your own sister!"

Tegan shrugs my hand off of her arm and gets to her feet. "Are you fucking stupid? We didn't kill Emy! She killed herself! She didn't have to pull the trigger!"

Kaki's nostrils flare. "You didn't have to fuck each other!"

"We're in love!" Tegan screams and turns around, only to catch a glimpse of Lindsey. She almost reaches her hands to her face, but I jolt up and grab them. She stumbles and almost falls when I tug her behind me, leading her into the back room. I pull Tegan into the dark room and shut the door behind us. I run my hand along where I imagine the light switch should be and turn it on when I find it. Tegan's face is inches from mine and I let go of her hands.

"Don't touch anything." I command. Tegan watches me as I slip out of my shirt.

"What are you doing?" She asks as I wipe away Lindey's blood from each of her hands, making sure to clean every bit of it off before tucking the shirt between my knees.

"Are you wearing an under shirt?"

Tegan nods.

"Take it off." I tell her and she lifts her shirt over her head. She reaches for the hem of her undershirt but I stop her. "No, keep that on. I just need this." Tegan nods again and keeps her tanktop on as I lift my arms, exposing my bare chest to her. After I've put on her shirt, I fix my hair as best I can.

"Tegan, I love you and I know we shouldn't trust her, but I think we should do what she says."

I watch as Tegan stares at her hands, little flecks of dried blood caught under her fingernails. I hand her my shirt from between my knees and she uses it to clean them out as she speaks.

"I think so, too."

"You do?"

"Yes. I just want to get out of here. Maybe we can leave for good. We could go to Australia and live there."

"I don't know how she expects us to post that video if we can't leave and there's no computer here."

Tegan looks up at me, suddenly realizing something. "Wait, did you shoot Sarah?" Her wide eyes avoid mine when I nod. "Oh my god..."

"Lindsey told me to. I don't know-"

Tegan reaches behind me for the door and opens it, cutting me off. "Go. We have to do it. Let's just ask her how we're going to do it."

I leave the back room and grab a chair on my way over to Kaki, setting it away from Sarah and Lindsey's bodies. Tegan does the same and sits next to me. I pick the loaded gun up from the floor and hold it in my lap as Tegan finds the remote to the television, which is still on.

"How are we supposed to put the video online if we don't have a computer?" I ask Kaki, nodding towards Sarah's body and the broken laptop lying next to her. She hasn't bled as much as Lindsey, but she hasn't moved an inch.

"There's a computer in the back, it's in a suitcase, third pocket."

Tegan gets up from her chair and makes her way to the back of the room. She leaves the channel changer in her seat and I stay put.

"I press eject to get the DVD? Where is the player?" I ask Kaki. She points to the TV. I press the button and watch the screen. A CD slides out half-way from the side of the monitor and I get up to fetch it. I loop my middle finger through the space of the disc and return to my seat. Tegan joins me in her own a few seconds later with a small laptop in her hands. I hand her the disc and she turns on the computer.

"And how can we be so sure that you'll get rid of the evidence?" I ask.

"You can watch me. I'm not going to try and hurt you, you're the one who has the gun here." Kaki explains.

"How about you do it now and then we post the video?" I propose, not caring what Kaki has to say about it. I get up and hand Tegan the gun, who closes the laptop and holds the weapon awkwardly in her hand. I use the keys to Kaki's handcuffs and release her wrists and ankles from the metal clasps. Kaki stands up slowly, still sore from Tegan's bout at her earlier. Tegan hands me the gun and I take it from her. I take the bullets out and hand Kaki the gun to clean the fingerprints off. We walk to the back of the room where Kaki's suitcase is and she pulls out all of what she needs.

It takes her half an hour to clean all of our fingerprints off of the gun, television remote, laptop, and chairs. Tegan spends the time staring at Lindsey's body. I glance at her every few minutes as I monitor Kaki's job. The computer is set on her lap. She can't log onto the laptop without a password, making it impossible to use it while Kaki is distracted.

"We need a story behind what happened." I say when Kaki is finished. She nods her head.

"I've already got it all figured out, don't worry. I'll tell them that I was dating Sarah and Lindsey was cheating on Tegan with her. I got pissed, shot them both and Tegan never knew about Lindsey cheating. When they ask you about it, say you had no idea that Lindsey was having an affair, but it won't matter because you were cheating on her with Sara. Big lesbian drama, it won't be as big a deal as you being with your sister." Kaki holds the unloaded gun in each of her hands.

Tegan tosses my discarded shirt to Kaki, who catches it in one hand. Kaki wraps the gun in the shirt and drops it in her suitcase. "So once you post it, you can take the laptop with you and leave. I'll call the police on my own when you go."

Tegan opens the computer again and asks for the password, which Kaki gives her. She puts the DVD in and saves it to the drive. It's less than ten minutes long, but it shows everything about Tegan and I's relationship that is deemed 'sinful' and 'taboo'. I watch Tegan over her shoulder as she uploads it to our band's Vimeo account and publishes it. Kaki sits patiently in front of us. Tegan clicks the 'share' button and it's sent to our Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr. It's only a matter of time before people click on the links.

"You should get going now." Kaki tells us. She takes out her phone from the front pocket of her jeans.

Tegan closes the laptop and stands. I get up and follow her to the front door. I cover my hand with the hem of my shirt and turn the locks. I open the door and the sound of footsteps and foreign voices fill the soundproof room. Tegan holds the laptop close to her and turns to look at Lindsey's body one more time before leaving the room.

I meet Kaki's eyes and say goodbye.

"Goodbye." She holds the phone up to her ear. I walk out of the door, closing it behind me. Tegan and I walk the way back to front of the building.

"There's the car." Tegan points to the silver Honda parked along the curb. "There's an extra key hidden under the seat." She grabs my hand and leads me to the passenger side. She hands me the laptop and opens the door. "Neither of us has a liscense, but I think we'll be okay if we just go to the airport straight from the hotel." Tegan reaches under the seat and holds the shiny key up for me to see. "You should drive."

"Tegan, I don't know."

"I'm still shaky, please." Tegan takes the laptop from me and replaces it with the key.

"Fine." I sigh and Tegan gets into the passenger seat, buckling the safety belt and closing her door. I drive us to the hotel and we retrieve my things before heading to the airport. Tegan uses the computer to buy our tickets so that when we arrive there, our flight leaves in twenty minutes. On the plane, Tegan asks me what's been on both of our minds for hours.

"Do you really think she turned herself in?"

"I guess we'll find out, won't we?"

It's early in the morning when we get off the plane in Adelaide. We've been to Australia almost ten times and we decide to stay at a familiar hotel. Instead of the usual two-bed rooms, we book a cheap night. Flying here would have nearly drained our bank accounts if not for the money coming in from merch. I had time to put on a light sweater before we got off the plane. It's winter in Australia. The chilly air stings my wrist where the scars have yet to heal. Tegan and I carry our bags to the hotel room.

"I'm going to take a shower." I tell Tegan as she flips on the television and plugs her phone into the charger. She looks up at me when I lean against the door frame. When she doesn't move, I go into the bathroom, but leave the door open.

TEGAN

I turn the channels until I find a news broadcast. I don't expect there to be anything about us. While I wait for my Blackberry to charge, I fish through my suitcase and find my laptop. I check my email first. I would be surprised if I don't have anything new. And there it is, the email from the record label. I glance over the contents of it and feel relieved when there's no mention of our band being dropped. There is an entire paragraph explaining that they've viewed the video of Sara and I's 'relationship', as they call it. They want us to explain everything, but they haven't decided to kick us off the label.

I close my email and read through the comments on the video itself.

_"I bet they're just doing this for attention!"_

_"Oh my god, that's so fucking nasty!"_

_"God help them..."_

I don't bother with going on Facebook. Instead, I shut my laptop and set it aside on the bed. I get up and take off my jacket, followed by my tanktop and toss them into a pile. My jeans and underwear follow suit. When I walk into the bathroom, the steam catches my breath. I step into the shower and pull the curtain closed. Sara turns to face me, a bar of soap in hand. I fill the space between us. She hugs me back and with the mask of the warm water, I let my tears flow freely.


	30. The Cure

The phone rang off the hook for over a week, but I didn't answer. Mostly our band's management was calling to fuss over the whole ordeal. I already know what they have to say. They're going to drop us and we're going to have to find another label who will 'put up' with our 'relationship'. Their opinions are the last thing on my mind. At least our mum has come to accept us. We talked for hours. I explained everything to her. I told her the truth about everything. Everything except Emy. She told me that they're still looking for evidence on who killed her. When she told me she saw the video, I was tempted to hang up, but she went on to tell me that she loved us no matter what. I remember feeling like I had the greatest mother ever after I put the phone down.

I think about Lindsey every day. About how I could have saved her, how I could have stopped Kaki. Sometimes it gets too overwhelming and I find myself curled up on the floor, blaming myself for it all. Why did she do it? Why did Lindsey try to stop Sarah and Kaki when it was Sara and I who betrayed her? I cheated on her with my own sister! But rather than get revenge, she stood up for us. Maybe those videos opened her eyes to see that Sara and I really are in love. Maybe she saw that the bond we had was worth fighting for. Maybe she loved me so much that she accepted me for who I am and who I love, even if it broke her own heart.

Wondering about it only makes me cry harder. Sara would find me in the corner of the room as she returned from a grocery store with food to last us another few days so I wouldn't have to leave the hotel. I stay inside and let Sara coax me to bed, doing all she can to make me feel better. She's out again right now. Gone without telling me where she went. I was asleep when she left an hour ago.

I hear her open the door from where I sit on the floor beside the bed. I'm still undressed from last night and I bring my knees to my chest, wiping my eyes on my right arm. I'm only spreading the tears, I know. I feel myself tense as Sara's feet pad against the carpet and I hear her sigh.

"Tegan, are you crying again?" Sara's sweet voice calls from above me. She's walked around the bed and starts to take off her shoes. I look up at her and hide my face when she starts to frown at me.

"Give me your hands." She says.

I peek up at her and sigh. Sara shakes her head and grabs my hands herself and pulls me up from the floor. She slips her arms under mine and encloses me in a tight hug that presses my body into hers. She's freezing, just coming back indoors from the cold of winter outside. I shiver and goosebumps rise on my skin. I know she can feel my nipples harden through her sweater and she hugs me tighter. She blows warm air in the crook of my neck with her breath and it makes me shiver again, though in another, lower place. Her hands rub small circles on my backside, trying to make up for making me cold.

"I love you, remember that. We're going to be okay." Sara whispers and breathes more warm air onto my skin. I grab hold of her sweater as she places a tender kiss to my cheek.

"I love you, too." I say, my voice hoarse from sleep and misuse. "Where did you go?" I ask before placing a kiss of my own to her cheek.

"I found a place. It's small, but it's in good condition. We don't need too much room, anyway." Sara kisses me on the mouth, her lips lightly brushing with mine. I can tell she's been using chapstick when I run my tongue over my bottom lip.

"Where is it?" I ask.

"A few blocks away. It's an apartment, it's nice." Sara assures me and kisses me again, softer than before.

"Sara...are we ever going to go back?" I stop her from trying to kiss me again and ignore my question. She bites her lip and hugs me tighter.

"I'm afraid to."

"But what about our houses? What about all of our stuff? Our instruments, our clothes..."

Sara shrugs. "We can always just start out fresh. We can buy all that stuff here, Tegan. I told you, we're going to be fine." I feel myself start to relax at her words. I slip my fingers under the hem of her sweater and revel in the warmth of her lower back. I slide my hands down and tuck them into the pockets of her jeans.

"They got Kaki. She turned herself in and they found Sarah and LB." I can't bring myself to say her name. It's like an anchor on my heart. Every time I say it, it pulls me down further and I don't want to drown.

Sara nods and I rest my head on her shoulder. When she speaks, I can feel her voice vibrate in my skull. "I was afraid she wasn't going to go through with it, honestly."

"Me too."

Sara places her hands on my hips and I bring my head up to look at her. My hands slide out of the pockets of her jeans and hover over her bum. I don't always know where she takes things after she finds me like I was today. Sometimes it leads to sex, while other times we just lie in bed and watch a movie or two until I fall asleep, clinging to her with my head on her chest. I know that she's trying her best to make me feel a little less like I've lost everything I love, everything except her.

Today, Sara steps back and eyes my exposed skin. The clothes she removed from it last night are folded neatly on the bedside table. She took her time undressing me, taking everything slow. I was in a condition worse than I was a few minutes ago. I couldn't stop crying, even through Sara's careful touches.

"I never want to lose you, Tegan." Sara says to me as she continues admiring my waist. I watch her eyes fall lower and she licks her lips. I fill the space between our bodies and kiss her. I put every ounce of love that I have for her in it and hold my breath. Her eyes flutter closed and I reach my hands up to hold her face still as I deepen the kiss.

I lead her to the bed and kiss every inch of her body. I touch her as my sister, my lover, my best friend. And just before she comes down from the high I've brought her to, I take her hand and place it over my heart as I place mine over hers, feeling the erratic _thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump_ underneath our palms.

"I know you feel it, too."


End file.
